The Inflatable Ride Entry.

Today we had the carnival thing at our region. I was supposed to help with the SMS game thing, but before it started at 2.30 (it never did btw, cos no one signed up), i helped out abit with the inflatable ride. $1.00 for 3 mins.

I would be really screwed should i say, i didn't really time the kids and let some play for 5 to 7 mins, and someone tells on me. But something happened today that just blessed my heart so much. So much. And made me so ashamed.

I was manning the ride when this rough looking guy with his young kid came over. Kid couldn't have been more than 1 or 2 years old came over and stood in front of the ride. Argh... He asked the other guy manning the ride with me where to get coupons. At that moment i freaked out abit. I was worried he would cos trouble and i wouldn't be able to handle it. Like maybe make sure his kid got only the best and that he would get a good deal. I was so afraid.

Then his wife came over and passed my partner $1 and the guy let his kid on the ride. The kid wouldn't play; he was too young. And then i realised his wife had a speech disability of sorts, maybe even dumb. And my heart broke. My own fears, my own judgemental crap, my pride made me misjudge such a awesome and mild-mannered couple.

He told his wife the kid wouldn't play, and the wife had a sorta stressed look, and gestured that she already paid a few seconds ago. And he just turned back to the child, not out of irritation or disrespect, and tried to hoax the child into playing. They looked like the were about ot leave, and would have wasted $1, which i guess would mean alot to them. And i took out my own set of coupons, ready to refund them if they went off, not becos of my guilt, altho i was guilty, but becos their sweetness in spirit just blessed me so much.

I thought to myself, why would the guy even marry his handicapped wife? I mean, he wasn't handicapped, rough looking, but somehow good-looking also. Why marry a woman like her? I dunno the reason. Whatever it was, God had good plans. I dunno if they are Christians, or part of our church. But they blessed me so much that they get an entry dedicated to them.

I cannot forget their faces. The couple. Maybe no one else would think that what they did was very noble or sweet-natured. But to me it was. The mildness in their response towards each other, and how they just meant to walk away quietly w/o scolding the kid or asking us for a refund. WOW.

And ya, one girl took the hand of their child, and she just played with him. Didn't know the family, just played with the kid. In the end, he did end up playing.

$1 well spent.
They blessed me so much with it.

The paper aeroplane entry.

restless
restless
restless

running searching falling
down.

desperate breathless grasping,
but not anything. paper aeroplane flying through
time and space. sees all. knows all. but is not all.

crashes. then falls
down.

-desmond.

The give and take away entry.

I watched abit of the Passion today. Just abit, cause i didn't dare to watch the entire thing. Today, Jesus' mother had me thinking. Mary.

I wondered why God put her through all that He did. I mean, get her really shocked and afraid when he sent Mr-Angel-of-good-news to her.. then made her feel so really proud and honnoured to be the vessel that was used to conceive the Son of God. THEN, took everything from her when He sent Jesus, her son, to die on the cross.

I mean, that feeling of having everything then having nothing is worser than having nothing to begin with.

God sometimes is very weird. But guess that's what makes Him God.

The subject entry

I conversed with Jane the other day, and kept her in her seat with my repeated questions on how she handled French, art and music( these few i picked out only because i could not remember all the talents she's been credited with.) She hardly said anything, only smile back at me.

Her face was not one of vigour, not handsome by means of our standards at least, but her confidence was more than appealing. Only a young girl, yet Jane was bearer of strong values she had been taught while at her instituition where she studied previously. Not that alone; her ability to handle all her subjects left me bewildered and astonished. I couldn't handle my own few subjects!

But that mattered not. I had fallen in love with Jane.

In fact, I'm already at Chap 23 in 2 days. Okay.. in 2 days, i read from 12 to 23. Haha, yes. Maybe i'm still slow in your standards, but considering i took weeks to finish the first 12 chaps, I think i must have fallen in love with Jane. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.

ACT ONE : CORP REHEARSAL - TAMPINESS
CHARACTER : DESMOND, NOTHING-TO-DO-BOY

My faithful first real day of helping out in our church combined production with the US crew. The production? Eternity. (forgve my lack of 'i's in the entire entry, if there is. The button on my keyboard is in a selective coma.) I got off school late that day, and Bro Selvam came to pick me up from sch to go Tampiness. When I reached that day, i went to the balcony and was minding my own business when this guy from the US team asked me to video him teaching the others how to do the lights. I did, only after stupidly exclaiming, "Huh? What? You want me to do it? What if i do it wrongly?"

Then we really did nothing for the whole time. The only thing i really did was like go and wait for Joel to find the right bus stop, which took 45 min and 17 min on my phone! Haha, yea.

(ACT ONE ENDS)

ACT TWO : SET UP/REHEARSAL AT CCK, FRI AND SAT)
CHARACTER : DESMOND, LABOURER -WHO-HAD-TONS-OF-FUN

Yep. On friday i was so sick in school i signed out before 2 and reached CCK around that time.I initially expected very few ppl to be there and that i could just sleep for awhile before rehearsal. But i saw a group of technical ppl, doing... technical stuff! I expected that i couldn't help much, but i did!! Jude taught me how to connect the wires and stuff, and I did them well, altho i took a much longer time than he expected. Then the cast came in after awhile, and we practised and practised. It was then when i realised that the guy who asked me to videotape him, was our director, Director Cody Williams.

Sat was equally fun. I left my house at bout 9.55, and cabbed down to CCK; it was raining like WOAH. Nonetheless i made it and we just practised from 10 till bout 10.30 at night. It wasn't as look as it seems. In fact time passed so quickly i didn't even realise that so many hours passed. Really fun, and like i think i said before, loved the family kinda feeling. Our cups with our names, walking around barefooted (OK! Only me....) And just like that, 12 hours passed.

Our first performance was the next day!

(ACT TWO ENDS)

ACT THREE : ACTUAL PERFORMANCE
CHARACTER : SPOTTER 2.

On sunday, we had practise for the chinese performance. It was totally hilarious. Then our first production. I think it went well. MANY MANY MANY got saved. And just like that, God brought back to me that desire to see the nations come to Him.

When i saw the many come to the front, something in me just leapt and i started smiling like mad. And just looking at their faces, seeing the joy of finding their Savior, just made me so glad. And i was thinking about how heaven was rejoicing... going wild and mad over the many who gave their lives to God. And i realised that i DO want to have this joy. That i DO wanna travel the globe just to be an instrument that brings the joy of heaven into the lives of the many ppl around the world. To know that God and the angels are going ka-bonkers over so many ppl being saved, from the fires of hell.

That night was such a tough night. But God was there. He found time for me, a saved kid. And i thank Him for His grace and mercy.

The following nights were good and i had a walkie thru-out. I went by the name SPOTTER 2, and Cody wld give instructions thru the walkie. Pretty cool huh? After sch each day, except wed. Reached about 5.30, then just hang around and go for slurpie or something. And every nite, even tho attendence didn't seem alot, the salvations were a rather big proportion of the audience. And just so wow-ed and amazed man.

I'll highlight the last night in particular. My spots were down, again, and i was so panicky. Thank God Matthew was there to help me. The first two scenes were sorta spoilt by me i guess. I mean, i thot when the handle dropped out on thurs, was bad enough. But who wld have realised the handle wld have spoilt on friday somemore!? I quickly reviewd what i did that was unpleasing to God that day itself, and thot maybe sa tan was using it to spoil the production... thru me. Anyways, it miraculously fixed itself. To think the whole walkie-world was just wondering what went wrong.

Ya, and i was pretty sad knowing that this was our last performance. Actually was habouring a secret thot that the whole crew, cast and technical and all could just follow Cody bringing the performance to thousands upon thousands to many ppl ard the world. Becos i love so much(ed) to bring glory to God, love so much to see such a crowd come to Christ and turn from their sins, and love so much that family feeling. So much so much. And ya, fun to do la.

(ACT THREE ENDS)

ACT FOUR : FOOD FUN TEARDOWN
CHARACTER : DESMOND, SPOTTER 2, REALLY-HAPPY-KID

Then they went for food. I went to, but went back down. Just sorta wanted to keep myself busy, maybe becos i was reluctant to let the production go.But just was tearing down abit, being busy. Took a peice of glow tape and pasted on my phone (ok sorry!!) And just taking down "heaven's" gold and white when Cody came down and the kids were following behind. That scene cannot be erased from my mind. That kind of scene like a dad playing with his kids.The whole family came down the stairs, after him and the kids. And it was just BEAUTIFUL. I could cry. So beautiful. ARGH!! God!! Anything to get it back. Yah, so i went toilet to wash hands, and just sat in the balcony with some adults as Cody was getting some crew and all cast on stage. Then they sent everyone who went to hell to heaven... I mean, was just so beautiful. Played a fool abit, like sent some back to hell, but everyoen went to heaven. Cheering ppl on to "go to heaven" and just going wild. I mean... Real Heaven must have been going as wild as us.

So beautiful.

We thanked all those involved and just went like WILD. MAD!!! It was SOOOOO BEAUTIFUL!! OH GOD!!! A FAMILY TO CALL OUR OWN!!!

Then we prayed as one big family on the stage giving thanks, rejoicing about the salvations which i think reached over 1000 in all regions. Really so family and heartwarming. Then tear down began and all, and just carrying out the stuff to the basement, folding rolling the gold and white... Joel and I stayed till bout 1.

You know what?

ACT THREE DOESN'T END..

I want our region to be so united and bonded. I mean, i think no other region experienced what we went thru last night. The joy and rejoicing and madness and wildness. That's something to call our own. A shared joy. A shared love. For God. For the nations. For each other.

I LOVE YOU GUYS, the TECH CREW, the CAST, the MAKE-UP, the USHERS, the ALTAR WORKERS, the T SHIRT PPL, the WHOLE REGION. I love you guys. Ok, Cody's counted too, altho you'll prob never read this. Think we've adopted you as part of the region. It was so beautiful. I loved the atmostphere. The madness.

God You're the best. Really. Diifucult times, but God You never left. You're still beside me. Holding my hand. I love You. Give me grace to love You more.

ACT THREE DOESN"T END!!!! YAY!!!!

The Open Verse Entry.

One

Crafted and
carved
and conjointed
and combined
and compressed
into
one
block.

Yet
disjointed
apart
distant
far
from
what
it is
meant to be


time to kneel and hook hands and cry
and to pray and hold tightly and be all
,yet
One
Single
Entity
with Different Styles and Forms but always
,One
Single
Entity

Seven
Chords and
more make One
Strong and sturdy Rope
Seven Chords and Three make
An unbreakable Bond...

to kneel and hook hands and cry
and to pray and hold tightly and be all
,yet
One
Single
Entity
with Different Styles and Forms but always
,One
Single
Entity

desmond ng.

The real entry.

How real exactly are reality TV shows. Pretty certain you've thot of that. Reality TV is NOT real. Reality TV is in no way what you see on TV. Reality TV is what you see on God's TV screen.

I'd like to think He's beside a whole stack of videotapes of your life, piling so high up you can't see the top. "Gabriel, the 97, 476th hour of Desmond's life please. ( That's approx my 11th year on the earth btw) I think it's the 77th tape from the right on the 35th shelf in the 'D' section. Thank you, and bring more popcorn!! Elijah says he wants a diet coke too..."

Then an angel glides up past the screen and to amongst the clouds and disappears. In seconds he reappears excitedly flying back to God, with popcorn and coke and other tidbits, and he sits by God and they continue watching the tapes. Laughing in love, tearing at times I failed God, cheering on as I was battling a stronghold and jumping at a victory I won.

Reality for most of us is NOT in a jungle with no proper sewage system and no water supply and having to slaughter a chiken or cow for food. It may be for someone living there by default, but its not for us.

Our reality TV shoot is in Singapore, with exams, with work, with lousy teachers, with good teachers, with bad bosses and caring ones. Our reality TV program takes place in our families when we scream at them or serve them iced-water, when we clear the house or mess our rooms.

Our reality is simply where God places us in. My reality is where God has ordained for me to be.

Here I am on the other side of the radio
Wonderin' why I'm here and why anybody cares what I say
No I'm not a better man because I'm singing the songs on the radio
'Cause we're all the same
At the end of the day

Now I imagine you on the other side of the radio
Doing your homework or driving with your windows down on the freeway
I see you tapping the wheel
I see you bobbing your head to the radio
Oh and it makes my day
To see that smile on your face
And in some small way, I remember my place

'Cause its you and me singing the same song right now
Maybe this'll bring us together some how
Maybe there's a million people all singing along
Somebody started thinking about the third line
And maybe someone's saying a prayer for the first time
And that's enough reason to keep me singing my song
Singing my songs on the other side of the radio

Crank up the volume and sing at the top of your lungs with the radio
Tune it in to some good news and laughing along with the DJ
We're changing somebody's world from the other side of the radio
Oh and it makes my day
To see that smile on your face
And in some small way, I'll remember my place

-- Chris Rice, The Other side of the Radio

Sorta like a reality thing. Put up this song cos i was just listening to it as i blogged. Esther Foong and I were wondering what this song meant some time ago. Elvin said it was a song bout this guy hearing his own song on the radio. And he is wondering how many other people are singing it along with him and the radio. Like they all have different realities but they are bounded by one song. Esther and I just gave him the huh, no meaning look. But now i think i get Mr Rice. Maybe he realised we all have different realities. But we're bounded by one thing -- God's great love and commission.

Ok.

This is just an attempt to show that i'm stil up at such an unearthly hour cos i can't get to slp, which i will get to now. I'm sleepy.. haha.. ya.

Nite..

The puke entry.

bleargh..
Jesus..

woargh..
Jesus!

woarghhhhh!!!!!!
JESUS!!!

I was on the train to Yishun today, alone and thinking.Don't know how i even thought about this, even as i blog now.

ok. I tried. Really can't rmb how i thought of it.

Anyways, was just thinking how when i was young, my sister and i would go thru our sick-y period. Whenever we were sick, we usually were just left alone. I, for myself, remember, most vividly, the times where i would squat in front of the toilet bowl and just puke.

I remember in the beginning, the first few vomits i ever had, i would scream for my mom.. but she wouldn't come. She would just say, "Don't call me, i can't do anything. Call God.."

Yea, i still find that a bit cruel, leaving your child alone when he is already alone. When he's already hurting and crying and gasping for air in between vomits. When he's just needing for someone to assure him that he's loved, he's gonna be fine. You would think the least a mom could do was just be there and pat his back, and just ask if he's ok, even if she knows he's not.

But no. No sister there, no brother, no father, no mother. No one. Just you and toilet bowl. I never understood why my parents did that. I mean i knew for sure they weren't heartless but why leave me alone? As if i wasn't suffering enough. An affirming hand, pat or word would have helped alot.

Now looking back. I do. I see they cared. They cared enough to know i would be placed in many more situations in future that would leave me in a worst state then mucus and puke everywhere. And becos they saw that, they taught me to call on the Name above all other names, of cos in a way that seemed unfeeling.

Whenever i puked, it was sorta progressively more intense. I would call Jesus, and i would puke worse, and i would call His name louder. And it would get worst, and i would call again louder still with all hope that this Unseen Man would reach out and be the Hands my parents couldn't be, to be the Voice my sister couldn't be, to be that which I longed deeply for but no one gave. Call that child-like faith. Cos i knew, with every time i puked worst, i should have lost faith and hope in the Unseen Man, and just cry out for my parents. But He was so real to me that somehow, i dunno why, i would cry out louder and louder and louder and louder and louder for Him. JESUS! GOD! HELP ME...-woargh-

I've not vomitted in awhile. The last time was at the Edge Christmas party, after downing that horrible drink. This time God was more gracious to me-- i had a Da ge who asked how i was when i was in the toilet.

I don't know. Have i lost that kind of faith to believe He'll lead me thru my worst times, and the worst puking sessions i will have?

Honestly? I think i have lost it.

I want to have the faith to believe He has always been all that which i desire from people but never got, and will always be all that i desire. That when i'm crying out and no one hears, and when i'm tearing and no one comes, that when all love fails me, somehow, somehow, SOMEHOW, I will rest still in His arms, knowing He is all that I want. Be gracious to me Lord..

The Overtime entry.

WOA. My third entry in like such a short span!! I'm bloggee bloggee-ing blogger!

Ok, rmbing that i'm a retrospective person, if i'm using the right word, and i like to look back. Sometimes that's not good. Makes you live in your past. But sometimes that is good! Especially when you choose to see God in the picture.

You see, I realised one thing that night. God works overtime for me. Yes. Overtime. I mean if you actually look at it this way, His job was to save us. That's all. We're supposed to be for His pleasure. But i realised He's been working overtime in my life.

When I forget to study for tests, and i fail, but still score better than ppl who do.. He's working overtime.

When I have too much work, and i haven't completed them, and my teacher unkowingly only collects those i did, He's working overtime..

When I'm down and grouchy, He works overtime by sending me ppl i never expect to cheer me up. And the strangest thing is that they don't know it. He sent kids that day, playing among themselves!

When I'm feeling cold and alone, He works overtime by sending love msges to me. So mushy.. hahahhahah.. but, yea, love msgs from His self-written book. I mean, cool,I know a famous Author!

When someone gives me a treat to teh-beng or milo-beng, God's working overtime.

When someone offers to share food with me cos i'm broke and hungry, God's working overtime.

When someone gives me a pat on the shoulder, God's working overtime.

When I have someone to eat dinner with me, or go for sunday afternoon teh break with me, He's working overtime.

When He gives me just enough money for the month,to pay what i need to with allowance for indulgences like Sakae and movies, I know for sure He's working overtime.

When I make it to sch on time for sch, He's working overtime..

And you realise one thing? In these 'happenings', if it involves ppl, more than half the time they don't even realise how grateful I am, yes yes... cos I'm heartless, unfeeling, and always ALWAYS wearing a black long face right? But it just amazes me that they dunno how much exactly they've made me feel so high.. and that's becos God is working overtime.

When someone thanks me and says. " You msged me when i was feeling horrible, and it really cheered me up..", I know God worked overtime..

When i give someone a teh-beng treat, even tho im broke, I know God worked overtime..

When a short prayer for someone is answered, I know God worked overtime..

And i have so much more things i've been through where i know God has been working overtime, but the thing is, have i been grateful and thankful?

I pray i will be.

That when everything goes well, I will be thankful and i will know God is working overtime. That when everything goes awry, I will be thankful and i will know God is working overtime to get soemthing done. That when nothing happens at all, i will be thankful and know that God is working overtime to make something happen.

That God is working overtime, all the time. Becuase He loves you so much. More than you can imagine.

The Free-entry Entry.

Yea, the time is now 3.13am. I have sch tmr. Even tho its the holidays, till 5. From 8.3o to 5. Sighz.. sch stinks. Big time.

Anyways, was doing my project work minutes, and well, let's just say i ain't no good secretary, that's why i'm having quite abit of trouble. Due tmr somemore. Trying to bargain for thur. Yah, so i decided to stop. And decided that I have a blog. And decided that i haven't blogged freely in awhile. Freely as in, just blogging whatever silly things, like.. haha, there's a vanilla coke bottle on my table now, with lemonade in it. Or that I'm wearing the 'Potter's Hand' camp shirt, and its really tight and small.

Ya, I've been thinking lots recently. Maybe because I've got so much to do, whenever you just stop for awhile, alot of things come to you. Ya.. Looked back on this past bout what, 13 months? And realised God has been gracious and I have been straying.

You know, encounter is coming. I went for the march one last year. Even tho i had horrible sleep and was so resistant to it at first, God used it to turn my life upside down. Crazy. Nuts. To something that when i look at it, i dare not believe. Literally like being given a new life, a new identity and living it.

Of cos I've fell, and at times i went back to that old life. Possibly even now. And sometimes, I feel so sad and crappy. Because the same things that i begged God to take away from me, I have taken it back. Knowingly, unknowingly. Doesn't matter. Cos the thing is I did.

One thing i'm really scared of, is that my past and old life will chase after me. The scary things, the hurting things that have hurt me so. I'm afraid they will catch up with me. And I'm afraid they will steal my present. The people and relationships i have come to develop on the past 13 months. The freedom i have. The joy that i have.

But truth be told, it seems to be coming back me. And I'm so afraid. So afraid. Cos its starting to rob me of some things. My sanity maybe? Heh, joke. And its not that my old life was entirely bad. Some parts of it was and is good. But just that right now, they don't fit in.

Listening to an awesome song.

The mistakes I’ve made
That caused pain
I could’ve done without
All my selfish thoughts
All my pride
The things I hide
You have forgot about

They’re all behind you
They’ll never find you
They’re on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They’re on the bottom
Of the ocean floor

My misdeeds
All my greed
All the things that haunt me now
They’re not a pretty sight to see
But they’re wiped away
By a mighty, mighty wave
A mighty, mighty wave

Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor

Take them away
To return no more
Take them away
To the ocean floor
To the ocean floor
To the ocean floor

-- Audio A. Ocean Floor.

I was talking to God just now. Just like, reviewing my past 13 months, and the years before that. From 99'. And i was saying, like, if my old life walked back in. I would prefer my new life. Sure, my old life had things that i loved and was good. And God would have been happy for me too. But this new life, has so much more things that i love so much more. The freedom.. etc. And God would definitely be more happy for me in my new life. Becos He handpicked these stuff and gave them to me. I'm holding on to them man. They're so much better.

Okay. Alot more to say. Wait till i stay up late again then i will get into the mood of saying. Nite.. at 3.44. hahah..

The When entry.

When strength wears thin
And hope wears out
When warmth is lie
And love is fib

Are You there?

When tears run down
And joy runs far
When real turns pretence
And friend turns cold

Are You there?

When touch brings hurt
And promises bring nought;
When cries are unheard
And knees are bruised

Are You there?

My joy is strength
My peace, your hope
My love is full;
Its all for you

I am here.

I keep your tears;
Restoreth joy
I wear no mask;
All love am I

I am here.

I gently touch
With faithfulness
I listen always;
Making whole

I am here.

And I am God.

The What For? Entry

What for? Tell him my problems? What makes you tink he's gonna be bothered? He's too busy. Too high up there for my problems. No one cares how i feel anyway. I dun see the no reason why i have to share my hurting with him, my pain with him. I'll just don't bother bout these hurts and pains. If i dun bother it won't hurt me what. After all, I know myself better than he does. Is he trying to mock my 'small-ness' by bothering with me even tho he's so much better than me? Who does he tink he is?

He is only God.

Sounds familiar? You know, everyone has their down periods. But what makes the difference between us Christians and the world is that we have God. And shld we become indignant and just take up a heck care attitude.. that in someway hints that, well, tho this might be painful to say, we've taken God from His rightful first place. Somehow, we let our own strength, or maybe our own hurts take the throne.

I gotta admit tho, its really easy to just say, "Hey, know what? I dun care. Do you? Cos i dun." And i know its easy for me to say that well, God's gonna be there. But that is the simple truth. God IS gonna be there. And if we honnour Him with the simple act of just trusting Him and casting our cares on Him.. He's gonna honnour us back.

I'm guilty of hecking too. But i've come to realise that God's there for a reason. And He's more than willing. He's up there for a reason. So He can be with us and together we can come down, literally, on the prob.

Be blessed. =)

In Christ alone I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of His blood
In every victory let it be said of me
My source of strength My source of hope
Is Christ alone

My source of strength My source of hope
Is Christ alone

A treasure chest. Without treasure.
A clay vessel. Without water.
An apple. Without meat.
An apple without meat. Becoming more and more dehydrated.
A perfume bottle. Without fragrance.
A life. Without Christ.

Empty. Empty. Empty.

So much for promises. So much for anything at all. So much for professed love. So much for ideal worship.

All emptiness. Empitiness.

Forgotten.
Forgot the look.
Forgot the voice.
Forgot the touch.
Forgot the tiles.
Forgot my way.

Forgot.

Please don't forget me. I have nothing left. Dun forget me please.

The He's good always Entry. [ I actually wrote this on sat night. But too afraid to show it.]

I just read some of my old entries. I try to be as detailed as possible, writing down silly things in my blog, like esther and elvin wld rmb in my et journal, because sometimes the small things make you rmb more.

Rmb the time, esther tan, where we were at bro evangelino's house? And the words God gave you? And the chicks? And the mother hen? Rmb every morning when i woke up and opened the door and saw you opening yours? And just feel so at ease when i saw you? The xia xiang ju? Rmb after we came back? Rmb how i sometimes said weird stuff to you?

Rmb the time elvin,my da ge if you ever read, i cried in the room for no apparent reason? Rmb the time i sat in the plane alone on the way back to sg, and then you came over.. and i said," da ge?" And you said," Hmmm..?" And i never replied. Rmb the time when i was whining about the cockroaches. Rmb the toilet door in our room in bro Israel's house that had no knob? Rmb the bowl and the branch? Rmb all my smses at weird times of the day or nite? Rmb you said wad my psalm was? When we talked a real long talk that sunday? Rmb how i started calling you da ge and why i treat you as my da ge?

Rmb you both the times we washed the dishes? The times we played with mattias who bit us? The times we played with muffy and fluffy, "Sai!" ? Rmb the cleaning of the pick-up truck? Rmb carrying all the boxes and sis lily being so super zai?

Rmb sis lily, if you ever read, you dropped a tear at our debrief time? Rmb you just looking at us when we were writing our journals? Rmb rushing from plane to plane carrying all the heavy stuff? Rmb the time i and elvin held up your hands at bro evangelino's home? Rmb when sometimes i must have disappointed you so much?

Rmb how all of you took care of this siao di di? I did. Still do. I love you.

Rmb dear parents tho i know you wldn't read, all the times you spent on me? the scoldings, the love, the pain, the hurt, the joy, the seemingly unworried times like when i got my results in PSLE and Os? Rmb the times you boasted of me to others? Rmb the times i held you guys and cried? Both respectively diff times? Rmb Daddy, the time i held you so tight and cried. And cried. And cried. I love you. I love you both.

Rmb eric if you ever read, the time qy, elvin and you met me at westmall? I looked at the table today and felt abit like crying. Rmb the times you opened your house to let me and joe study? Rmb the times at camps where we roomed together? Rmb this one time during camp you sat in front of me long after everyone had gone for lunch, and i just sat with my mucus all over, and i didn't say anything? And i just walked to the toilet and came back? And said something that God had already told you? And the 'unconventional' thing at youth camp? Rmb what i told you that sunday?

Rmb esther foong if you ever read, when i was over at your place studying with jessie, and i did your blog? Rmb all the times we just crapped? Rmb the times when at morning prayer? Rmb what God always told us? Rmb the silly things we do? Rmb the word frontier? Rmb the visions?

Rmb joel and john if you guys ever read, we had our P3 mission and got stuck? Rmb how we tried to find who zeerick was? Rmb all the times we stuck together? Rmb all the photos? Rmb how we never understood one another cause our personalities clash so badly? but we still are good frens now?

Rmb qiuyi, if you ever read, all the times you talked to me? Rmb telling me something at Long John's? Rmb how when i first got ICQ the 3 of us always chatted late into the night?? Rmb how you guys helped me with the stupid scar that i had in me that i struggled so long with? Rmb how you said something to me that totally turned me ard from that day on? Something about magnifying? And i made the decision to turn ard totally?

I rmbed. And i love you.

Rmb all you guys, many of you i haven't named too. I dun have the capabilities to write all down here. But i rmb. And i love you.

Rmb God? All the effort You've put in for me? Rmb how you brought funny ppl in my life who walked out ? And i never understood. Not at all till now. And now i can see You long had greater plans for me..so much better ppl in my life for me now. Rmb the words You've spoken over me? You rmb the times i cried before you? Rmb the time where for like.. MY WORD. I just rmb. Labour Day last year was the times i started crying myself to sleep for a few weeks non-stop. The same day i grew closer to most of the ppl i mentioned above. Rmb the times I just said I need You so much? The times i woke up at weird times of the nite and just ran to You? The times i was so afraid of stupid things and You were there? Like when i went to East timor. In the plane to bali? Rmb God? Rmb all the so many more things? Rmb when i hugged my pillow and said I wanted to hug You? Rmb when i asked You if you could give me a hug physically, and You showed me somehow You could? Rmb how You reminded me of Your great love?

I did. I did God. Maybe not as well as You. But God i pray i will always rmb and be grateful. I love You.

It was a long entry. And I'm in tears. I rmb the love. I cannot name all. But i love you guys. And i love God, and i know so many times i hurt Him. I take a knife and poke His palms with it. But He never left me, never gave up. All His thots toward me are good. I'm so touched God. By the love you've given me. Even thru giving me all these ppl. I love You. Give me grace to love You more and more each day.

Amen.

[ Added today: Guess at such a time where so many of us are down and out.. I wanna say I love you guys. God loves you guys. Even if He leads you into a place or situation you dun understd at all.. Rmb that His word is a lamp to our feet and He will NEVER NEVER NEVER give up on us.]

The 2.53am Entry.

Okay. I feel really really acomplished that i so have to type in down immediately. I just finished my lit essay -- character analysis. It's really not much to boast of. I tink its messy and all. I mean, structure, but bottom line is i made it. I actaully stayed awake to finish my essay. Yah. haha. Okay. Sorry. Suddenly the excitement wears off.

Ok. School's been pretty tough. Still so tired. But yah. I thank God for stuff like prayer meeting, sunday services, net, dinner with close friends, or msges from one close friend to another. Just, really somehow picks you up. Sorta gives you strength to run on.

Yah. Hahah. I'm feeling my first symptom! My throat's feeling weird. But hey. Dunno what to say bout it too.

Hahah, really alot to say. Dunno where to start at all. Bang? had lots of fun. Like reliving childhood all of us. Edge? hahah, funny one. but, yah.. was not really there. I mean. I was like so 'off' to another place. And i kept going toilet!! Sunday services? Fun.. Today's prayer meet? Cool.. did sound duty.. nigel's so crappy and funny.

yah. Thank God for frens who bother to msg me. It makes my day, makes me look forward to looking to end of sch.

Yah. pretty much done.

Nite ppl! : )

The M18 entry

Warning : The following content is intended only for audiences aged 18 years and above. Minors please SHOO away NOW.

Haha, but if you wanna sneak and read on, I'm not asking for your ICs.

Yes! I wasn't in school on monday, woke up sunday nite to do homework till pretty late, so was too tired to go sch. But later during the day, really felt unwell. Think cos of irregular sleep and the lack of it. Yah, so wanted to meet some of them for dinner, and while they went to watch Passion after dinner, do homework with esther foong at whereever it is we were dinner-ing.

So on my way to westmall, (ok, just gotta say this. 187 stinks big time!!! The waits for the bus are SOOOOO irregular and so is the traveling time. Sometimes 15 mins can reach. Sometimes as bad as 45 min!! ARGH!) Anyways, yea while walking to westmall, Jason calls and says ,"You wanna watch Passion?" I was like.." yea.. i would, but i can go in meh?"

So we decide that we would just go ahead with buying the ticket for me.

Then we go to delifrance, where they eat, and i dun even tho i'm supposed to be meeting them for dinner. Yah then realise Jason has free ticket, so if i cannot go in then i dun have to pay still. Yah so we start planning -- If the auntie asks me, jason would hit me and say "What!??! You're not 18??". OR i could just hide between elvin and jason and rush to the toilet immediately when we go hand the tickets over.

Finally when we went up, Jason decided my 3/4s, colourful shirt, fuhua sec file 2003 and pencil box wasn't gonna help me in ANY way to get in, so we placed it in his "Lim's Living" paper bag and i would carry it to make me look older. Yah, so story goes on that the auntie is an unassuming lady who doesn't ask me for my IC despite my childish front. I GOT IN!!

Phew!

Yah, so in the cinema, we're early and I'm cold ( what's new?) and i get to use elvin's bag as sheild. (It plays a part in the story dun worry..) yah, so we sat there, the show started and i asked my dear da ge to warn me when the gory part comes. And he REFUSES! Haha, yah, so we just watch. Then when pilot said something, Elvin says," Oh no..it's coming..."

I tried counting the no. of times they flogged Jesus, but i couldn't continue on. I was just crying like a TAP!!! Vibrating tap!! Yah, quoting Elvin to someone asking if i cried, " Aiyah he.. need to ask meh?" Yah. I was like WAHHHHHH.. even tho the whole time elvin's bag covered half the screen for me. I didn't stain his new bag with my tears! honest! I didn't da ge!! I was cautiously crying!

yah, then we go on to the different parts and i was just crying and crying and crying and crying and you get the idea.I was mad at the roman soldiers and all, but i just kept saying to myself, "There are only 2 characters in this show-- Desmond and Jesus".. And i cried more.

After the movie, I just sat in my seat and elvin and jason just talked about the show. I wanted to laugh at this part of the conversation :
Elvin: Almost every name ends with an E or I or O
Jason after 1o secs : No.. no e's! I or A or O!

But i cld only sit and tear more! Man!!

I mean. Jesus went thru all that, becos all the time while He went thru everythg He did, He saw you and decided it was worth it. Cld feel God whispering as if, saying "Be Spirit-led.." I mean, letting the Holy Spirit take over.

Okee, really long entry. M18. I was sorta proud to be the youngest in the theater, like gives me the right to cry more than anyone else. Hahaha.

Yea, on ending, wanna say God's love is that simple. Jesus is God's love personified. And to my da ge, your bag was really dry, haha, you jerk! All you thot bout was your bag?!? haha.. I was careful not to wet it cos i know its new lah! hahah.. im so nice. sighz.

God's nicer. =)

The beloved entry.

Yep, just returned from M'sia from brother andrew and sis yu ping's wedding. Nice wedding lah, like held in a quiet estate. Alot of ppl! And like the wedding was not over-done and i dun tink it was under-done too. Just nice for the both of them. Wasn't really elaborate. We had erm..worship, haha.. and then the normal stuff with special items. One of which was the 'testimony' of the other J21 team. Seemed more like a sermon instead. Kai Loon the preacher!

Another was this performance by some of the church children. (Our sister church i suppose.) Yah, they came in with like basket balls and this particular boy also carried 2 balls, but large as in LARGE balls. He was like leading them la! So i was pretty impressed and like going ,"Awww.. cute..."

Then i hear someone, till now i know not who, who says, "They're autistic you know..?"

W..H...A....T?!?! These kids? Autistic?

---Sience in desmond's mind.---

Not that i look down on them. But just, so taken back. They looked so normal. Anyways.. after tt, seeing them made me smile even more.

There was a teacher there who brought the mic up to them as they were like doing stunts with their basket balls, and they each said a short phrase. In particular, the last boy's phrase just almost brought me to tears.

In Christ, I am smart.. I am brilliant.. and I can do ALL things.

Pause.

Desmond thinks to himself, " My word. He truely believes what He says. If He has such faith in God despite his undeniable condition, why do we have to fear that we don't match up to other's expectations? Cos in Christ, all unworthiness and class and ranks have been dispelled."

Yep. This is for you, the one thinking you aren't as worthy as your good fren, that you aren't as worthy as a close fren, aren't as worthy as anyone else at all, INCLUDING the guy walking down the street this moment outside your window. You may not be worthy in the world's measurements, but we aren't from this world. We are all equal, are beloved of Christ, and all made worthy by the scars on Christ.

You may look down on yourself. But know this. God doesn't look down on you. He's so proud of you, so proud so proud of you. Just remain tender before Him.

This trip reminded of so many things tt happened in my childhood. Words that ppl said of me. Good and bad. Just like 2 days. I love my God.

The peached-flavoured entry.

You know how is it that when you meet with an interesting incident during the day, you just say to yourself," That's gonna be in my blog today?" Yep. I have something from tuesday.

It's a peached-flavoured sweet! Okay, i admit. I dun really have it. Unless you mean in my tummy.. -rubs tummy, satisfied.-

So what's the deal bout a sweet kiddo? Simple. I rushed from sch to prayer meetin, and was on GP, yah. So i was late like 25 min. hahah.. So the person on GP with me gives me a sweet. Then she gave me another sweet, but this one is a peached-flavoured one. She was teling me her lecturer gave it to them cos it was their last lecture.. and i asked her," You know where to get it meh?"

"No.. ask my lecturer lah.."

Which touched me alot. Cos.. its like.. something that she has so little of. I mean.. she had to dig her bag for the sweets and it was from her lecturer, meaning she didn't know where it came from. And she liked it alot!! But she was so happy to give it to me. I was so touched.

Ok fine. I'm easily touched and moved to tears.

I wasn't moved to tears this time if you're asking tho. But was touched lah! Thinking back, it was like the woman with the Jar of alabaster.I mean, WOW.

I wanna be able to love God with an attitude as such. To give without fear of losing.
I wanna give the lost an Answer. That I know where to get from.

Yep. Peached flavoured sweet. Hmm.. It was nice!! Btw, anyone know where to get it?? hahaha... Yea. With the same measure that God gave us. I mean, He gave just like that.

WOW! I has so many paragraphs!! Haha, ok. Yah. I'm done. You're done with reading. Nite you little sleepyhead!! =)

The bone entry.

With the recent passion, Christ's death, Ressurection kinda thing around now, I gotta blog bout it too. Okay, I HAVEN"T watched passion. Now now.. stop the jeering. Tsk tsk, the power of the spoken word. hahahaha... yes. But i did watch Fosaken, A VFC production.©.2004.

Lights out.

Lights In after 2 sec interval.Scene takes place at a plain.

Desmond : Oh? Jesus.. You serious? That happened? Wow.. i never knew the Father's love was like that. Oh.. bread? THANK YOU Rabbi, i was hungry.. You sure take care of me.. I love You..

Lights out. 2 sec interval.

Lights in.Scene takes place at Golgotha.

Desmond : Crucify Him! Crucify Him!!

Lights out. 2 sec interval.

Desmond :(aloud to himself) I can't bear to watch.. Its.. its.. too....

Camera zoomz in on Desmond. Streams of tears roll down.

Yah. i cried. SILLY!!! But i tink i did lights bout 5 times.. rehearsals and actual. And I cried 3 times. I just cldn't bear to watch them 'drive' a nail thru Jesus's hands. I mean. It was me. I was the one who drove the nails thru His hands. I was the one who whipped him till the flesh hung just by the thin layer of delicate skin, painted red with fresh and dried blood. I spat at him. I was the one who did all that and more DESPITE the fact tt He spent so much time. preaching to me, talking to me, feeding me bread, just treating me like a good fren.

I betrayed my good fren. I did not help Him or stand beside Him. In fact i turned around and threw stones at Him (and the Roman guard while i was at it.. just for the kick i get out of being sadistic.hahaha... joke la!)

You see. Its confusing yah, but my point is. I was the one who He loved,the one who said I loved Him. The one who brought Him before Pilate. I was the one who beat and flogged Him, 39 times, cos i didn't want His blood to be on my hands if i flogged Him one last time and took his last breath away from Him. I was the one who kicked Him on the way to the cross. The one who cried out "Crucify Him!". I was the one drove the nail into his bones. And he knew it was me. But He went ahead with the nailing thing.

I wonder if He struggled before the nail was knocked in. I wonder if He winced in agony when His flesh-baring back was placed on the cross. I wonder if He made noises of pain in attempts to relieve a puny bit of pain.

But i tink. No. He didn't struggle. Cos He saw me. And He knew He had to die to snatch my soul from where it was, and into the gates of heaven.

I cried. Did He? I tink He did.
I died. He did too. But He gave me life anew, when He died and rose again.

Lalalalla....... okok.. thank You Lord..
Nice work ppl!! Forsaken was a success. I actually worried one part tt no one wld go for altar call. but God seemed to say, "Hey.. even if no one came out, you wouldn't be the one put to shame. It wld be Me. But then again child, I will never be shamed. Becos somehow, a work will always be done."

Yep. God IS good.

The no more! entry.

Okay man. I've decided not to whine any longer about my horrid timetable. I have been trying since monday not to grumble about the late evenings and early mornings and 1 hour breaks a day.( God is good, i have a empty period on mon cos i dun take chinese b.) Yep. I dun wanna keep whining, cos ultimately I was the one who chose my own subj. Not that i blame anyone for my plight, but i see no reason why they shld suffer my insistent complaints that i have a timetable i'm terribly cheesed off with. It's better now lah, not that i'm used to it but, just taking it in my stride. AND thank God for weds where i end at 1, if nexus meets on another day.

Yep, class hasn't been good, but definately not the worst. I'm still surviving and will survive. They are abit exclusive, but i still can mix abit. Not that bad lah, its a crazy class. Some ppl are lame and sociable, some others are offensive in their attempts to be lame. Others just come off as irritating, but yea no ill intentions. Teachers are fine. Some are not very nice, as in strict and cannot teach, but they are humane. We are all imperfect anyway.

One thing that really scares me is PE. Another is Lit. Dun get me wrong. It's nice and fun. But I have alot of readings. ALOT. And cos its gothic lit, its sorta scary. Haunting. Esp when you have a funny imagination like me, you'll get caught in the book. And some of it its not nice stuff, like.. man. Supernatural. Its just not nice. Almost feel like you need spiritual covering.

Anyways, enough of my sch.

Today i came back early. And i watched my first cartoon in days. Duck tales. Uncle scrooge was a mean guy, didn't lend his cash to poor 'frens', donating 1o bucks to charity with a 1ooo dollar note and asking for change and the like. Suddenly this guy came to demand payment from him - debt from 2 generations ago. So Uncle scrooge lost all his money, then his poor 'fren' helped him when the others didn't. This poor fren owed a ship which was destroyed becos he helped uncle scrooge. Anyways, cut things short, he paid the 'debt' to the bad guy. And he decided to help the poor needy, and bought a new ship for his poor fren whose boat was destroyed.

Your typical disney cartoon. All ends well.

Of cos i didn't do a nice job of relating it to you. But i realised i missed such cartoons. I miss the old times. I sorta miss the times where we just didn't have so much nonsense and work and quarrels. Sort of wished that we could be like the old times. Where quarrels and I-won't-talk-to-you-any-more-s lasted like 5 mins. Where somehow, everything works out well in the end. Like a cartoon. That everything will work out well at the end of 3o min in front of the tv.

I love You God. I love my family. I love my frens.
I miss you guys. Sometimes I am just haughty.
But it doesn't mean i dun love you guys.
I do. But i forget so often that i shld respect you guys.

I love the old time singing shouting
I love the old time way
I love the old time singing shouting
Praying praising
I love the old time way

The relaxed entry

I'm so relaxed now. Not enough energy to be hyper or to do anything else, but just enough to sit, type, watch tv, sing oldies!! Enough to think about stuff. I'm like actualy dying to talk to someone now. Okay, maybe not talk because i can't really do that. Maybe just hang out.. No one online. Strange.

Okay, i'm just gonna say whatever i want at random. Today did sound for prayer. Haha, ok fine, i was just listening to the walkie and relaying msg/ rebutts/ defensive remarks. Haha.. and I can't relay stories for nuts, so the effect was all lost when i relayed the msges.

-lays head back down, on chair. Lift hands and pray. haha, ok no. Just laying my head back down.-

Just realised after i typed tt sentence, has been like almost 45 min or so before i start typing again. I'm tired man. I dun want to continue. Okay, well, i actually typed one whole paragraph, but i backspaced it. My mind's a total blank man. I'm really too sleepy i think. I'm going.

Nite ppl. Our God is good.

HAHAHA, my dad just said going out to get some supper. I'm awake again. Okay, I'm sorry.. week of prayer and fasting. But I didn't eat breakfast and lunch. And almost forgot dinner. =( "hahaa.. don't justify yourself desmonde." I wonder what I'll get. I'll go nap for about 15 min first.

I love you guys.

Pray, get on thy knees for thy fellow brethren whose earthen vessels are inflicted. Hahaha.. What nonsense!! No wonder!! Look at the time ppl, 11.05! My 11pm syndrom is up again! Haha, I mean to say, Pray for ppl ard who are sick. Among these are, alphabetical order, " Elvin, Eric (He's really poofed out la..), Esthers, Joash, Jonathan and somemore others.. Flu's in the air.. drink lots of water. Who do you guys think you are? Me?? hahaahha..

Yup.. end here, real relaxed right? Just telling you about everything and nothing.. :)

Be Blessed! Thank You God.

-----
11.35pm -- Its mee goreng!! with lots of potato!! hahah.. yup. okay.. gonna go sleep after tt.. pray i dun grow fat. haha.. nite again ppl!

The childcare centre entry.

I trod along the path; I had just gotten off the bus (service number 334). I was returning from morning prayer and breakfast, and was carrying a big bulky box, when i suddenly wondered. A thought just popped out of no where. Who loves?

I had nearly thought there was none who loved. Just then I passed by the childcare centre at the end of the short pathway.

--- enough of essay style writing. i can't do it well. ---

Jesus loves me this I know
For the bible Tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is strong

Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
The bible tells me so

Yes. That's what i heard. Sung by children. Sung at such a timely moment, when i happened to be questioning. God is so good. And He uses the funniest things to get His point across. How true that the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. AND that, that is so reassuring. He's not going to make a mistake.

Yup. His grace is sufficient for us. His cup overflows!! woohoo!!

Can't wait for edge. Can't wait to see how God does His thing again..

The messed entry.

Wah dey. I really feel like i messed up man. Sighs, my God is a God of second chances is He not?

I just finished showering. Smell nice, feel nice, am nice! Haha, and i was just thinking of some of the comments i heard bout me. Just heard one today. Haha, a normal one for me, as in, its been said of and to me before. And yep, you're right. I don't understand when its said, even tho I understand why its said of me. Its almost as if, i know why I'm 'described' that way, but i don't expect to be called that.

Hmmm..

Then i thought of some nicer comments. And I smiled to myself;" Yea right.Like why did they say what they did?" I have no idea why that was said. But i rmbed there and then, something someone once told me. "You don't have to understand why God loves you, you just have to know.". Guess its the same thing huh? Cos they see what you CAN be, rather than what you are now. That's how God sees us. This was also mentioned in one of the evening srvcs. I thought. And smiled to myself. How true. He has loved you with an everlasting Love.

God is good. Thank God for God. Haven't said that in a long while man.

Have we forgotten the simple things, like just thanking Him for simple stuff? The air that we breathe, the grace He gives us that we can live for the next moment? Nice to think of His goodness for simple things like these. Cos it makes you realise that He is really God. And He has all right to zap you up right now. But He chooses to let you live another moment, and another moment, and another moment. and another second, and another mili second and it goes on. He makes the decision every moment to let us live for the next; all becos He has a good plan for us. An unmatchable plan.

Boy, He is good.

More than the air I breathe
More than song I sing
More than the next heartbeat
More than anything
And Lord as time goes by
I will be by Your side
Cos I never want to go back
To my old life

Cos I never want to go back to... my old life.

Thank You Lord.

The Synergized Entry.

Yep, I'm back from conference. Nice, conference was nice. Think the main focus i gathered from the Planet Shakers band was to be free in worship.

This is getting boring huh? Yup, I'll say whatever happened these few days that had deep impacts on me.

My fun-nest moment?? Guess it'll have to be helping to sell the t-shirts. Haha, i was there buying shirts for some of the guys, and i stood beside the table, happened to be, i knew the lady at the counter (for less than 15 min from that time). And i have no idea up till now why ppl started asking me what size was this, any other cuts. I told them,"Huh, erm.. this is.. erm..*compares with another shirt*.. the .. erm.. bigger one!! And erm, i'm not from the stall..*sheepish smile*." Haha, and they're like so taken back, "Ohh.. erm.. sorry.."

Guess maybe God wanted me to help her. The stall really had alot of ppl everywhere. As in asking questions from everywhere of the table, which wasn't very big anyway, like 4 CCK sanctuary chairs. I took one half of the table and she took the other half. And i got her to tell me what size is what size. Then after that, i morphed into Salesman Desmond! "Yes yes, this is the largest we have, haha, im sorry.. but it fits you fine lar!! Dun need so big.." or "Yep, this is the smallest, but if you want, we have a ladies cut (the baby cut) but that has only one size, M. That's pretty small.. so can fit you one lar! What's the difference you say? Oh, the sleeves are cut yea.. " and after all that," Okay, thank you thank you, that'll be 20 bucks. *wide smile* "

And after the exicitement and all, I was just like looking at the lady (Whose name i also dunno!!!!!!!!) and like smiling tiredly, and she's like," Thank You desmond, ohh you wanted shirts right?" And then i went yah.. She starts laughing and says," Yea, haha.. after you asked for the 8 thousand time." Haha.. yea. It was then i realised my intention there was to get elvin, jerome's and sam's shirts. Haha, i knew sam and jerome wanted M, cos at least joel didn't reply me to tell me they had complains when i asked him. But elvin.. yea.. the one i had no idea what to get. Cos S and M didn't seem to have much diff. And angel ruixiong and weiling were like.. M. But i was wondering becos i always wear same size as him, and i got S. So we were wondering, and then the lady, she found this weird shirt that was slightly smaller than M, but bigger than S and i got it for him! God really blessed, hope it fits well elvin!!

The lady was like, "See? becos you wanted to bless others, God blessed you!" I laughed.. haha, when we were buying our own shirts, an hour before i helped sell, the guy selling asked what region of VFC we were from. I said, "Erm.. the best?" and the lady was there, and she asked angel if i was the cutest (as in silly) guy in the region. Haha, i was very happy naturally. Becos, when you try to be crappy and no one laughs its quite demoralising. hahaha.. esp since its from some nice lady, its better! To think i knew her from helping her usher in ppl on mon night as i was waiting for someone.. hahah.

Yep, said so much. Only one part of the conference. But it really picked me up.. the going crazy selling the shirts, perspiring, (not to mention being beside some good looking lady whose name and church i not know of!!!) and running ard getting this and that for him and her and them. I was pretty much feeling weird thruout the conference and selling the shirts was sort of God's way of saying," Hey, I'm still your Daddy you know, I can still make things happen for you!" He made me glad, without me having to ask. And i was so supremely happy selling the stuff. (becos the lady was nice and warm and pretty? )haha.. More than that, nice to see the smile on ppl's faces when they get the shirts. And being crappy and crazy, knowing that all you did was unto God.

Planet shakers was good, the jumps were good, the claps were good, the dances were fun, NOPE, NOT those by the pink hair and his fren. Thise were silly. The Jesus Cheer was so fun! Yep, and God speaks and shows, like stuff that is what the Evans guy sees and hears. Fun..

Bottom line is God rocks, His children have liberty in Him, have everything.. and more than that, the victory in Him!!
Amen. Thank You God. ( help me find the lady again please God..) *smile*

The Weepy Entry

I just heard a song. And Its a weepy song. Haha, Remember Missin' You? Yup. I found it's cousin song. Hahah.. a song that has the capacity of making me cry that badly.And i mean badly. Thank God no one was home then. Haha.. what is it you ask? I'm not saying. Get those brain juices going!! I'll drop hints. So fun so fun. Haha..

Yesterday was cold weather day. So supremely cold! So i woke up this morning, my fingers numb and cold. Haha, i slept with the fan on last night!! Haha.. What has it got to do with the song you ask? Well, Nothing much, just had to say something about the day being cold, since everyone else is doing it.

Yesterday, they were askin for help encounter this sat. I rmb the last time i helped in encounter, Gp. I rmb when i did it,it was only the 5th or 6th time i did Gp, and it was the best i ever did. Honestly, none of my other Gp-ings could be compared to that time i did it. It was for the single men, Elvin was leading, Bro Mohan shared. Ok.. that was morning. After that at the combined men session (married and single ya??), i wasn't on duty. So i just sat quietly outside. And when i went in to take a peek, immediately i rushed out. Hey, you would too if you saw a whole room of men crying. And mind you, I cry more easily than all of them. So to save myself from crying, natural thing to do is come out lah.

That's the first clue.
I'll give you 2 clues at a time.

Crying men at the encounter. Why? Becos bro andrew was telling of Jesus's walk to the cross. That passage to death. Man, gives me goosebumps.

That measure of love. Nothing would stop Him from dying. Even if it was that scary. Bet you His fingers were numb and cold. Bet you he was trembling. Bet you He never once stopped praying and talking to God. Bet you He felt lonely and cold, yet His face was burning from all the stares and the laughter and the mocking.

Why did He do it then? For the lost? The dying?

For you.

Even if its was only you whom He could save, He would have continued on. No. I'm not speaking to some unsaved person here. Sure He died for them. But I'm speaking to the saved, the ones called Children of the Almighty. The ones who constantly forget His great love becos we are so accustomed to it.

No more game. I'll give you the song.

We rode into town the other day
Just me and my Daddy
He said I'd finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man
That my Dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes

So I said "Daddy, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is He dressed in that bright purple robe?
I'll bet that crown hurts Him more than He shows
Daddy, please can't you do something?
He looks as though He's gonna cry
You said He was stronger than all of those guys
Daddy, please tell me why
Why does everyone want him to die?"

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And Daddy said I should go inside
Somehow He knew things would get stormy
Boy was He right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something He had to hide

So after He left I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said, "Father, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for My robe?
This crown of thorns hurts Me more than it shows
Father, please can't You do something?
I know that You must hear My cry
I thought I could handle the cross of this size
Father, remind Me why
Why does everyone want Me to die?
When will I understand why?"

"My precious Son, I hear them screaming
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe You in robes of My own
Jesus, this hurts Me much more than You know
But this dark hour I must do nothing
Though I've heard Your unbearable cry
The power in Your blood destroys all of the lies
Soon You'll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look there below, see the child
Trembling by her father's side
Now I can tell You why
She is why You must die"

-Why?
Nichole Nordeman.

Hah, cried again. I keep forgetting that great Love. I keep looking towards myself and see the failures and the nonsense and unworthiness in me. Do we forget that great Love has conquered all? Why then are we living in our own worlds as if the whole world owes us? That God owes us? Don't you think it hurts Him? I'm guilty of all that. We owe Him. Not the other way around.

Nice song.. very weepy.. =)

The new-template entry

Hmmm.. Got a new template. Hahaha.. i did like major changes to it loh. Hah.. i'm mean. Just can't get rid of the silly {fellowship} stuff. It doesn't flow with my blog. AT ALL. Hahah.. arh.. leave it first. Hahah. Man.. really tough looking at the html codes and stuff. Had to employ my specs lor, to save me from the blurness. Hahaha.. everything is about me. Hahah.. well... read on if you want. If not.. just read on. hahah

Today i watched this korean drama. Now now, I am not a big fan of such stuff, especially soapy cry-yee korean dramas, but this part totally tickled me. Heh, the elder brother was talking to his younger brother [ da zhong] about how he wanted to keep his illness a secret from the rest of the family. So the older brother is saying, " I don't want to tell them becos i dun want a whole family crying. I can't do anything with a family that's crying ridiculously. So you mustn't tell them, you get me?" And the camera zooms back to Da zhong.. who is crying uncontrollably by that time. So much for, don't tell them becos i fear they would cry.

Why was I tickled you ask? Of cos its not only becos of that. I was laughing my head off becos it just reminded me of me. Hah.. its like elvin's talking to me and before he can finish his sentence, I'm crying buckets and swimming pools of water.. WITH extra chemicals.. known in lay-man terms as mucus. I tell you, i was like," Yea Da Zhong.. cry it all out. Hahah.. i know how it feels to keep sniffing though the mucus jsut rebelliously comes down in the end.". Then i turn to the elder brother and say, " Do da ges' fear crying siao dis'?"

Anyways, that was pretty much the funny part of my life today. Hahha.. nah lah.. just that when i saw this scene, i just knew within the depths of my soul and spirit that i need to blog it down. Hahhaha.. yup, nothing spiritual about it. But once again.. tho its utterly cliche in my blog, THANK GOD for da ges who can stand weepy sobby cry-yee siao dis... hahah.. like yours truly.

God stinking rules. The way He meets you in your most desperate moments just blows my mind. How? I don't know. He rules. He does. Man.. He's totally in love with you. NUTS about you. ARGH! hahaha.. so wonderful... yep.. He's there when you cry, when you laugh, when you fall, when you rise, when you push Him away, when you call out to Him... He's always there. Don't ask me how.. I never know. But I'm always awed. My God is an awesome God..

The nut entry

Lah Lah Lah!!! What's this blogger world without THE blogger?? Hahaha.. going to watch big fish later!! Hope we catch a BIG fish. Was hoping my net members come and the other nets too.. so we can catch the movie together. Get it? NETS? CATCH the movie together? BIG FISH? Haha, man, I'm good.

Okay. if you didn't get it, either I'm too good OR.. I'm too good. If you did, well done!! Give yourself a pat on your back!!

[Haha, been stuck at this line for like so long now.]

Okay, back. Hmm.. mushroom swiss!! Turkey Bacon!!! Awww... man. Can't wait to eat. BK. Love it like anything man. Just give it to me. Give me some BK VIP card. ARGH!!!! BK!!

I was reminded of the past events that happened. God's words, His visions. Have we forgotten?? Were we too consumed in ourselves that we 'conviniently' leave Him out of the picture? I don't know. I was reminded of one thing also. The 10000000000000000 BK meals that some guy owes me. No exclamtion mark. Hahah.. yea right.. !!!!!!!!!!!

Man.. fun looking back sometimes to just see what God has done. Over the months and years. Its so exciting. Whoever said christians are a boring bunch of ppl. Man.. have they no sense of the CRAZY-NESS of our God? Hahaha.. wacko.. crazy.. OUT OF THIS WORLD!! Yet.. terribly sane. Hmmm..

[ARGH!! I can't see properly!! Going to get my geeky nerdy specs]

It's worst!!! Now its too clear.. man.. giving me headache.

Okay. Took it off.. hahaha.. BK BK BK!!!! hahah.. craving's here again!!! Hahahah.. argh argh argh!! Hahah.. when we give stuff up, there's this certain strength that comes. Think about when we give it up.. but to God, what kind of strength comes. His JOY. His strength. HIS. HIS. PPL? HIS!! Get it? HIS? It's the Almighty's. It's the God of all creation's. It's the Lord's strength, joy, peace, love, warmth, fun that we get in exchange for the things that suposedly stain our life.

Like where do you a better extra value meal? MAN!!! Like.. i'm just disgusted by BK now lor. Why don't they give such good deals like the Master Chef ( God.. like duh?) does? takes your nonsense.. and gives you good stuff for it. The Menu (the bible like duh?) even says He gives us free BK's (Beautfiful King's) very own clothes and oil!! Like garments of praise and oil of joy!! MAN!!! where to get lor!! now i tink burger king stinks. [REF: Isaiah 61:3]

Haha.. okay.. going for Burger King now. Hahah. Nah.. i still love burger king.. In fact. I'm going to link it. Hahaha..
Here goes: Burger King .

God rules. He does!! YEAH!!!!!

The I'm back entry.

I'm back. As in real entries after 2 weeks. That's short. Missed blogging? Abit, why else am i here? How can one ever shut his mouth and deny it from speaking the greatness of that One without feeling bad? That beautiful, majestic, personal One. I don't know how.

Ever felt as though you've failed God? Failed ppl? Failed everyone and yourself? Ever felt like a big fat failure? Ever felt so insignificant? Ever felt so forgotten? Ever felt like there's so many ppl there but still no one's there?

Ever felt like you have so much to say but can never say it? Ever felt if God forgot you? Ever felt if you disappointed person after person whom you love so much? Ever felt as though you let God down?

Ever felt so lost and frustrated with why things happen and why they don't? Ever felt like you want to draw close but ppl pull away? Ever felt so rejected that you give up? Ever felt like you stink? Ever felt so fake; as though you're not who you seem? Ever felt like you've lost the battle--defeated?

Ever felt so shameful that you screwed up? Ever felt as though you want to just let the tears come freely down without holding it back... if only you weren't so tired or had to be 'strong'?

Ever felt that you stumbled and fell?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all
Will the love continue?
When my walk becomes a crawl
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

This time I cannot disguise
All the doubt I'm feeling...

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all
Will the love continue?
When my walk becomes a crawl
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

I hear you whispering my name you say
My love for you will never change never change..

-DC talk
What if I stumbled

That's it. He never said you couldn't cry. He said "Come to Me." The Love still continues. The grace still continues. the walk still continues.
Amen.

13.

All glory and praise be to Him.

The 'hot tears' entry

The Israel team came back today. Heh, the whole thing was elaborate, with banners (which fabian and i held) and flowers. And Joy has long hair now!!

Anyways, I'm glad they're all back, especially uncle david. I still rmb the day he left, i cried, at the expense of my image ( image? haha.. i guess not at the expense, considering my image is that of crying anyways). But at that point i was so sad that someone who played a vital role in my growing up in the cw was going.

Yah, and today when he came back, He was like the first person i wanted to hug. Okay, i know im not close to him, and he's not close to me. But i really just wanted to hug him when he came back. And i was thinking to myself, " Man, if i hold the banner how to hug him?!" So when he came over to me, i reached out my hand to shake his. And he hugged me.. and i was like," Woah.. look at the tears in his eyes man.." The words 'Hot tears' just popped in my head. I was like so happy loh, felt so proud of him.

And after tt, as we were going home, i was thinking about the whole thing again. And i was so challenged by him. The joy on his face.. its like the joy of missions. (not the Joy of the chengs.. haha) And i told myself, i was determined to have these hot tears on my cheeks. To have that gratitude to God, that joy that comes from serving Him, that joy that comes when you've tasted of God's protection, mercy, grace, and faithfulness. So much so that it will just flow out of your life, and that you will not be able to contain that gratitude, and that it will come out as tears, and laughter, and worship and love for Him.

I want to be a person that will always be more grateful for God's mercy and love each day. The friends He gives, the time He gives, the support He gives (realised this list is in-exhaustable?).

AMEN!!

I need You more, More than yesterday
I need You more, More than words can say
I need You more, Than ever before
I need You more, I need You Lord.

More than the air I breathe More than the song I sing
More than the next heartbeat More than anything
And Lord as time goes by I will be by Your side
Cos I never want to go back To my old life......

The water Entry

Today at the edge, God just blew me away. And I'm so wow-ed by His goodness and glory. Ever seen a God who never fails to amaze you, and your friends, and practically everyone who's there at the service? Well, I sure have. This God is just stinking awesome!

Well, as we begin the service, we had no seats, so Region F youths were rather scattered. And it wasn't nice for our guest Lily Jie. But nevertheless, we got our seats and sitting partners. (ok, fine. Sitting buddies if you must..) I sat with the young girls from CW and esther tan, colleen in some unknown territory. So i felt abit out of place.

Anyways, whilst we were searching far and wide for our seats, the praise had already started.Anyways, I was just praising and singing (Okay fine!! Trying to sing yah!?! Better for you?), i begin to see stuff that God was saying to me.

I saw a scene of the low-lying hills, like taken on a helicoptor, at night. It was a awesome sight. Simply stunning.But there was one problem. The scene was like movie style? Had 2 black lines above and below the scene, so what i saw was just part of a bigger picture (I didn't know what laid beyond the hills and the black lines). So i continued singing, worshipping. And God seemed to say, " That's your vision, your scope of vision."

Then a few minutes later, i see the same scene, the beautiful, but 'cut' vision of hills tainted blue by the night and moonlight. And as i continued to watch, the black lines moved away from the vision, and as the top black line was moved out, i saw what laid byond the hills -- water. An ocean of sparkling white water. White becos of moonlight. And God said, "This is MY scope of vision. Start seeing through MY eyes. start seeing through Godly vision and see beyond." And as i went on, I slowly understood the water thing. Where there is water, there is life. And God showed me an ocean of water. Not a river, not a pond, but a stinking ocean so big i couldn't see the ends.

Where there is water, there is life.

And I'm like, man.. "You sure its You, God?". Cos will God reveal so much in one worship session? So i asked for confirmation, and totally forgot bout pressing in for my confirmation later during service. I was just listening to Sis Anna, who gave an awesome sermon!! And what stuns me was that after prayer for ppl after sermon, Jeremy Seaward decided to tell everyone what he intended to tell only the net leaders. And guess what it was about?

So clever. =)

About God asking Abraham to lift up His eyes and to see through God's eyes. To see beyond. To see life in a land of barreness.

I was like, "oh.my.word.woah."

Where there is the Living Water, there is life.
Are we seeing through His eyes in our situations? No matter how barren and dry and desolate and beyond-hope the circumstances are, can we choose to see through His eyes? Becos when we do, we see water, Living Water, Life and God Himself in our situation.

I want to see through Your eyes dear God, Help me. Give me grace and vision.
Amen.

The re-written entry

Haha.. I wrote like a few paragraphs and totally did away with it all. Hah..This my frens, is NOT wisdom. Hahahaha.... yah yah.. Okay, so i am re-writing my entry. What oh what shall i blog today? Man.. The awesomeness of my God. I'm blown away by His majesty and cool-ness.

Today i had dinner with *salute*... Chief! She set me thinking. Just stopped me in my tracks and sort of unknowingly caused me to ponder on things i don't want to think about. Haha, things that i don't want to think about although i should. Arh, God is good. He's just pounding and knocking on that carved wooden door of your heart, making certain that you will come out victorious! This is how much He cares. How much He bothers. Let us be reminded He is a King and doesn't need to care bout you. But He does. He does. He does. Thank God He does.

These past few weeks, I really gave up on stuff.. hehe.. even sometimes, some ppl. ( Okay, I'm sorry, It's tiring to just keep trying and nothing changes?) But heh, It's like God send Chief to tell me. (tho she was't exactly telling me not to give up-- she just said stuff that sort of revives me again?). And I'm willing to try again. Not for everything. Some things really have to be left behind and in the past. But some things were meant to be yours, don't just "wadever" it away.

I 'wadeva-ed' alot of my stuff away. My passion for one. I wadev-ed it away. Other stuff close to my heart. I wadeva-ed it away. Persons that I love, wadeva-ing tthem away. Strangely those stuff that should be left in the past, I didn't 'wadeva' it away. Haha.. they just grew out of my life through God's divine working.

But what God gives you, nothing can take away!! 'Cept you and Him of cos.
But my point is, like said last time, God doesn't bother how screwed-up your life is. If that's His plan for you, and you are humble, humbled and repentant, He always has ways to re-direct you to His final plan for you.

I'm thankful I have Him as my Lord, and Father. And I'm willing to go try it all again. I'm willing to trust again. To hope again. Not just in Him, but in some ppl also. God didn't mean for us to be one-man show ppl. Thank God He didn't. God brings hope doesn't He? New, fresh hope.

Amen.

The break through entry?

Breakthrough. It means breaking through. Moving past a barrier that supposedly would stop you. Think a place that can't be infiltrated being infiltrated. That is break through. Think an open bank at the corner of a street, and robbers going in forcefully. That's breakthrough. Think a man pounding on the doors of a building, and finally tearing the doors down. That's breakthrough.

And my point is? Well, it is that every breakthrough requires an action. And this action is carried out by the person who wants the breakthrough. Want breakthrough? Then what are we doing bout it? Agreed; its God who brings us through. But its us that have to choose to press in. It takes time like infiltrating, breaking down the door. It takes persistence and peseverence. No stopping.

Yah, want breakthrough, press in. I mean PRESS IN. Press : force must be applied.

But we wonder, only me and God? Nah.. thank God no. God gives us 'saints' tp breakthrough with us, just like robbers rob in a group and amry platoons infiltrating a place. More people, more effective. The closer the person, more effective. More close people, More good friends, More Godly friends, much much much more effective.

Sometimes its difficult to seek God alone. Sometimes you just want friends to be there and seeking God together with you.

And I'm so proud that some of you had online devotions when we were in east timor. Very blessed by that. Why not continuing anymore?

We've had you, your saints (AKA jonathans and davids) , What is the next chemical to add to create a breakthrough? God.
Naturally right? Faith in Him, Trust in Him, Hoping in Him. Leaving it to Him. It's all about....... HIM. Our duty is to press in, not move anything. That's his job circle, leave your itchy fingers out of His job scope.

I'll be realistic, Its not easy to let go. Not easy to do alot of stuff. Sometimes You wished some stuff would happen. But they never do. Sometimes that little heart aches and you literally feel it becoming 'suan' or sour. Sometimes you sit down, holding back tears as long as you can. But I'll be realistic once more. The truth is that mr Kleenex is up there all the while. The Spirit is a gentleman. You don't open up, He don't force Himself in. You ask Him in, he gladly comes in. That is the truth. Things will come tt we don't know how to control. But that's when we need to come to the One who controls all.

In my weakness Your strength is made complete and perfect.
Thank God! Phew...
Amen.

The "Where were you" entry.

This morning.There was a conference and the whole video crew was be on. So we're all in the video room. And I'm doing gp with Eileen. I did praise, she did worship. Seriously I think I'm losing my gp-phoric skills. heh.. freaky man.

So I went through tt part of sunday morning, and some one asks me, "Where are you?" But I wasn't attentive lah, so i went on to lunch and the afternoon part of sunday.

So some things happened that really made me so 'yuck' and disappointed. we went to eat, then over to colleen's house to study/do work. Still stuff happened that made me so 'argh'. But then things eased up abit. Haha, thank God for declan. Never thot I'm saying this, but sometimes when i look at Him, My heart just melts. I've seen God in him. Glimpses of it. But I still do. And it made me smile. ( Mushy.. yucks!)

Well, then someone asked again," Where are you?".

Yah, then john and i left to go evenin service. I was on gp again. So had to be there early. Well, i went up to video room again, with more or less the same ppl. Haha, this time, we had like 9 songs!!! So many many many!! Bro derek is a man of many songs.

Anyways, cut things short, it was really really bad. really bad. We couldn't find the song through it all anywhere!! I had to use search button (used only in times of utter despair) and then found it. GA12.

Then after tt, nearing the end of the service, bro wilson at the tampines side sang this really weird old song. Can't make out the words.. and we (fabian, brian and me) were searching like nut cases. And the camera man (gabriel) was hurrying us. I almost employed search button, but fabian found it last minute. Bro wilson started the song with an 'OH' which wasn't even part of the song. ARGH!!

Well, service over, and as i switched off my laptop and someone asked me again, "Where are you?". I was too hurried to get down to meet up with the rest of the youths to reply.

yah.. and after much procrastination, the whole lot of us decide to go blue roof for dinner!! COOL! The older youths and the younger youths and the obasans and ojisans all go to the same place for dinner!! Stuff happened on the way to blue roof, at blue roof and after blue roof. And i felt so much like running to foong's place to just stay over. And yah, cry.

And someone asked me, "where are you?".

I came back home, and things picked up abit. I chat online with some ppl and suddenly a person says something that made the difference in my day. We began to chat about God and all.

Finally I took time to listen to that someone who was looking for me all day. Finally I could hear him becos it was only then that i focused on him. On Him. When we spoke of Him. Then I heard Him say once more in His sweet sweet voice, but no longer asking me where i was the whole day.

Rather He said, " I was there with you throughout the day."

He asked where I was. I couldn't say.
I didn't ask where He was. But I knew. And He told me too.

" I was there with you throughout the day."
Amen.

"All I'm asking is that you turn your eyes upon Me.

Upon Me.

Upon Me.

Upon Me.

I don't hate you. Never did. I love You so much.
I don't care how messy your life is.
All I ask is that you return that gaze to Me.

I'm not asking you to solve your problems.
I'm not asking you to try harder.
I'm asking you to turn your eyes back to Me.

And to watch Me.

For the Son does only what He sees His Father doing.

Likewise when you watch Me, you will do what I do.
Likewise when you watch Me, your heat beats in alignment with mine.

Turn your eyes back to Me. Simply turn your eyes back to Me.

Then passion will return. Then the things I have for you will be restored. Restored and given back to you more than before."
-- 12.20 - 12.30 pm, Sat 7 Feb.

The Post-Fever 1oo Conference @ COOS

Jesus I believe in You And I would go
To the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For You alone Are the Son of God
And all the world will see that
You are God That You are God

Stagnant. Stagnant. You've turn your eyes off Me.

God just brought something to my mind in the conference. Everything felt so familiar, as if i was preparing to go east timor. Just like those 4 days last year which were really great days. And something in me leaps again, is set free again, is joyous again, is uncertain again, but is looking towards Him again.

You've turned your eyes off Me.

That something feels all these, not becos I was in the same place where my fire and passion was blown into flames, though it is the same feelings. Rather it was and, still is, becos God is calling that something back. It's a sort of re-ignition of a past passion. Re-focusing I guess.

When the other east timor team was sharing, God reminded me stuff. One thing that immediately I reminded myself was Part of Healing Process--the words said to partly to me. And partly to them.

You've turned your eyes off Me.

But God didn't mean for me to keep looking towards the things that needed to be healed and to the processes. He had meaning for me to look to Him. And as I worshiped and sang, I realised I lost something so unique to me. I lost them. But amen to the truth that our God is a God of restoration. There and then He restored. And slowly I believe He will restore the rest. I'm clinging on to the words spoken.

You've turned your eyes off Me.

It hurts. Badly. But He called the boy higher. To that place of re-focusing. To that place of surrender. To the nations. The boy was left so lost. But the boy knew Him. He knew Him. And want to know Him.

You've turned your eyes off Me.

You've turned your eyes off Me.

God didn't say growing cold hearted. Yah, maybe you've not grown cold. But are you hot? It's not a matter of how cold you are. But of how hot you are. Cold is the absence of heat, not the presence of cold.

God didn't say ignore. But He didn't say bother. He said,"Turn your eyes upon Me."

Thank God He restores. Thank God He speaks. Thank God for the grace to trust in Him. Thank God for being God. Thank God for being there. Thank God for second chances. Thank God He bothers enough to woo you. Thank God for rebuking. Thank God for His love. His love that superceeds all else to emerge strong and unfailing.

This post meeting has seriously challenged me to just look past my problems and unto Him. To re-commit my life to Him first, then His cause, second. To not lose sight. And to seek Him for who He is, not what He can give.

"But I restoreth."
Amen.

The WOAH prayer meeting.

And I breathe in Your breath of life
That fills my heart
You are my all Consuming Fire

I stand here Before You
In wide open wonder
Amazed at the glory of You
The power of heaven
Revealing Your purpose In me
As I'm reaching for You

So cool. What could be fun-ner? What could be more exciting than dwelling in God's presence and just enjoying Him.. and worshiping Him?

Today we had one worship meeting man. I'll speak of the before prayer meeting first. I walked from my house to mrt, then took mrt to cck and then 3oo. And i tell you, when you've been having such weird sleeping times like me, and you are travelling on a mrt and public bus alone, your "stay-awake" nerves fail you terribly. Got to admit i was like struggling to keep awake. My eyes were half opened loh, and i was just forcing them open.

Haha.. Anyways, as i was in 3oo, Thank God it was not crowded, unusually. If it was i would have been more sleepy. Anyways, i said to God, "Look, I'm really sorry I'm dozing off. God You've got to help me stay awake during prayer meeting later." And a few minutes later (I'm still struggling to stay awake at this moment lah huh..), the bus stalls at the bukit panjang govt bus stop. And I'm like, "WHAT?!? What nonsense.. Man.. God this has so got to be You loh!! Thank You!!Hahaha..." Haha.. crazy? Nah.. Just tt God is creative. Becos the bus stalled, we had to get down and hop on the next bus. But i decided not to wait and just walked across to cck bldg. And tt little walk made me v much awake. WOAh. The power of my God.

Then at prayer meet, we just break off into this powerful worship session, haha.. the song shirley lim led, I stand here before You, was so right for the mood!!! The song was once a hit song, but it phased out. So when she sang it it didn't feel cliche. Haha.. But then Sis Sandy goes up. And I go ,"No. God No." You know like when you bargain with your hp alarm to give you a few more minutes of sleep? Yah..like tt. And God sort of brought us into another realm of worship. Totally blew my mind. Sis Sandy didn't stop the worship to go ahead with prayer pointers. Just went with the flow and the worship. And we go into worshipping Him and repenting and renweing our lives the whole prayer meeting.

It was just like renewal. I dunno. That word comes to me strong. Another word that came to me was also resistant. Resistant.And yet another word was this.. argh!! Let me try to rmb!! OH!! "In your weakness My strength is made perfect.". That word came so clear and so gently. And God seemed to be saying, " Why do you try so hard in Your own strength? Do you not know you cannot do it unless through Me?". I had forgotten this verse over the past few months. But God reminded me. That sweet Spirit took time to remind me. He didn't have to, but He did. I'm thankful He did.

Another thing was how God impressed on my heart, " I don't want you to be a guest in My courts, where you come and go. I want you to stay in My throne room. Would you stay and dwell in My presence, and not be a guest anymore?"

Bro willie and sister elaine went up to pray. And there i felt like it was a battle. Either you fight for a new deeper relationship or lose it. So many things happened in the short time. Okay..at one point of time I almost wandered off in my mind. Too tired. But well, God pulled me back. Literally. So much to say. Don't know where to continue.

But sighz. I'm still exasperated at the glory and splendor and the awesomeness and the wisdom and the simplicity of my God. Of our God. Of the God of all. Let's be challenged to go deeper into our relationship with Him. Whatever is past, is passed. It's difficult to let go. But hey, It is in our weakness that His strength is made perfect. In Him, all things are perfect.
Amen.

The Sunday Entry.

WOAH. Sunday is my fav day. Whole day in church!! But ends fast. Man....

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah
Your loves makes me sing
Your love's amazing
Steady and unchanging
Your love's a mountain
Firm beneath my feet

Lah lah.. got quite abit to talk about. Don't know where to start. One thing that really had an impact on me today arh? Guess it was when someone.. spoke to me. Eric. Sighz.. i wanted to tell him like ," Eric, you are right. For like almost everything. Where were you all this time!??!?" Hahah.. but yea.. God was good.

Another part was during worship in the morning. When something in me just said, " This is the ugliness of your heart. When I worship God becos of me and my own glory and agenda OR even becos of the sake of worshiping. And not becos of who He is." I was so taken aback. That is the ugliness of our heart when we do not worship Him in spirit and in truth.

BUT.. God then said thru it all.. if we were repentant and all.. there was a way he could provide for us. Hahah.. sorry, i can't rmb exactly what He said. But during evening service, Bro John Tan....... Peng Chai.. gave a word of God clothing us with His righteousness tt makes us worthy. Hahah... only realised it as im journaling now that it was in line with what God impressed on my heart this morning.

Man.. God can use anyone. Anyone at all. Its the posture of our heart. Man.. I'm so excited at what God's going to do. i want to walk closer with Him. So excited. There are many things i do not understand, like things tt seriously don't seem to be wad theyshld be. But I've learnt also tt my God is big. And for that matter bigger. And for that matter again.. the BIGGEST. that's why i can rest assured in Him. No easy task.. but God will honnor that faith you have in Him. That little faith.

So arise you of little faith and put that which you have into His hands, and He will multiply that for His glory-- shown through your life. [ this is no bible verse.. just something i write cos it sounds nice.. hahah]

In His hands,
Amen.