The one with my dreeeeams.

I had a horrible night last night. I woke up so many thousand times. And each time i awoke, it was from a different dream.

The one i woke up with, and i wanted to say the most was also my scariest. I dreamt the X-men were captured. And I, Agent Des had to go to their rescue! (Trumpet blown now.) Alas, i saved only a few, killed only afew bad guys. The rest escaped. I was taking cover behind a wall, grabbing and shooting them bout 12km away, with my laser gun, which looked everything like a stress ball pointed on one side. Even pressing it felt like a stress ball. Then I turned around after they had gone to catch a breather, and to talk to my successfully rescued heros. The leaders of a witch doctor community were there!! They thanked me for saving them (while i was cursing myself), and said as appreciation, had to dab some blood across my forehead.

All this happened in CCK building after i turned around. I was like, OH MAN GOD!! They've turned your house into a house of witchcraft!! SORRY!! I shouldn't have saved them!! The witch doctor followed me around.. to the toilet. Good thing i woke up before she smeared the blood on me man.. who knows whether its demonic or something.

Haha, i had another dream.. Have i ever told you i dream of walking around in big places.. and really really really nice buildings. Big beautiful, stylishly architect-ed. In my dreams even westmall is transformed into a brilliant work of metal, concrete and colours. So this time, I find myself in Ikea, or a member section of Ikea,with a small pool. That's not the important thing.

The manager walks up to me after we stopped swimming and were about to go for a birthday party in the same building, and says, he needs my help. I'm telling you. this guy? Irritant. Every little infraction he questions me.

He:Why you put your stuff there?!? We need to organise ourselves!!
Me:I dun put down how to help you?

Then he signed me up for a part time job there. Keep a toilet register. SO SILLY! He says, every time I go in (or maybe its the employees), i must register. And under the WHY column, i'm to bluff the boss and write, Ordered Duty (or the like) and not say stupid things. Only then he was nice to me. As we were walking up the black marble ramp, I looked through the book. MAN. All kinds of handwriting and coloured pens. Turns out secondary sch kids also worked part time there before. They wrote poems, and little msges about the manager, and i thot of writing, Ordered Duty as instructed by stupid manager.

Then at the top of the ramp we reached the restaurant. The church campers were there, and i was late for dinner. No food. Only abit left. But it was good. The chwee Kueh? Excellent. A sister in my dream said it was some hokkein word. White flour sponge kueh or something. And in my dream i believed her. Now i know its chwee kueh. Superb stuff man. The chai por? Like roasted and friend till it was crispy on the outside, and bitting into it the juices just flowed out. WOW. haha

Ok. done. haha, still got alot more.. but i'm too lazy to go on. haha.. plus this entry is getting way too long.

The one with THE outing..

Today, the P3 had a outing. haha.. Ok, we bought clothes. I bought ONE item. Haha, which, well, i sorta like, but i feel sad about. I mean, its alot la!! Okay, away with the desmond's-rich garb and garbage. I guess, we're all rich cos we have all our material needs met.. and we even have some of our wants met, which makes us richer. Its just wise usage and saving.. and yes, my tummmy helps loads when it comes to money spent on food -- I have reserves.

Neeways, well, hmm.. going out with the P3 is fun. Its amazing how God pieces friends together, how we have such different styles and thinking, yet we're such good friends.

Well, on my way to town, which is a rarity btw, I met all kinds of people. Weird people. Weird stuff, wanted to share it with the bloggers! I met this guy, who i seriously think has a orientation problem. As in, super zhar boh sandles, a toe ring (can you believe it?!) and. the ultimum. A HANDBAG!!! its not exactly a totally lady-looking bag. It just that you know its a handbag, and he's carrying it like one too! I read about handbags and guys walking hand-in-hand (literally; as in the guy and the handbag walk hand in hand, not the guys walking holding each others hands.) on the catwalks. But i still can't come to terms with it. I mean, handbags should steer clear of men. honestly.

OH but wait! There's more! If you read on now, we're throw in a indonesian maid and her boss, ABSOLUTELY free! Yes, you heard me! I actually saw this guy who looks every bit the old horse-betting, 4D buying uncle with kids who've just got out of the U, being hugged and touched by this woman, who looks every bit an Indonesian maid. If i rmb correctly, and its not my imagination, they spoke to each other in malay. And he got a call and spoke hokkein. And they were just touching each other, falling in each others arms, ON the train. Like Uncle? This is a family form of transport. Get your own cab, or car, or bicycle.

I mean, no judging by appearance, i know. But, geeeeeeze. Haha, yucks. haha..

Anyways, gotta say, orchard today? Not as bad as i imgained. I hate town if you guys know me. Really scorn it. Despise it. My soul refuses the very grounds of orchard!!!!!!! Ok fine, i went there today, not before dropping at wrong places and walking into all places.... one can seriously tell i'm a totally westmall, JEC, Lot 1 boy. (btw, check the lot 1 sign on the mall itself. it looks like loti as in roti loti) THe furthest is JP. NO orchard.. i break out. I fizzle and turn to dust!!

But today was rather ok. At least it wasn't very very crowded. Not as crowded as the bus ride home at least. I didn't even realise i hated town so much till i got out of somerset, and realised i was breathin heavily. Come on stick with me, dun think crooked. As in, just like the feeling of being trapped and suffocating.

Yup. its the anti-town-bodies.

K.. my day in orchard. I would have drawn pictues to accompany it... but oh well. Fingers are accusing me of assulting them. NITE!

TOP SECRET FILES: AGENT DES TO RF P.I. AGENCY.

On the night of 26 November 2004, Friday, I, Agent Des set out on a mission to trail a bunch of youths, from a mysterious organisation called Region F. For over 3 hours, from 7pm to 11pm, I followed them with my wits and fast reflexes, as they swept through Singapore -- Old Airport Road, Zion Road, and Commonwealth to be exact. Shown below is the evidence of their food-devouring manner, and the extreme fun they acheived in the 3 hour duration.

Ready Chief? ( Disclaimer: Chief here is a fictional character, any resemblence to any one living or dead is purely coincidental.) Photos are in chronological order, with the exception of some.

FOOD FOOD FOOD!!  

Not really a PI situation, cause they already know the PI, me, Agent Des. But Chief, you say just find out what they doing, never say can't join them. Don't sack me. 

See! Chief, food devour-ers.  

Chief! I suggest that you treat the agents to the richly flavoured desserts after we finish our latest case. 

MMMMMMMMMM. Subjects shown here are downing lots of food and cheng tng. 

Yes waiter, here. Sorry Chief, following them made me hungry too.  

This photo shows the subjects as full and satisfied. But i gather that the 'fullness' lasts not long. 

Yes! My subjects are smiling for my evidence. RF P.I. Agency finally has photos with the trail-ees smiling at the PI. haha.. 

Smile Smile!! We are the Gambette boys. So they say. haha.. I mean, no 'haha'.  

This is proof of their fulfilment. We're going home now!! =) 

 

The one with anticipation...

You know, today's edge sermon was so good. Really. I mean, it was about unity and all, but i don't know why it hit my heartstrings (such a nice word! haha..) It was a highly reflective sermon, at times too reflective that i didn't hear parts of the sermon. But still.. i guess what was preached was what i had been sub-conciously thinking about so much these few days.

Jeremy said something about Living for the moment. Then i thot of like, what Caleb was doing the day before they finally went in to the promised land. You know, like, he knew it was coming.. and what did he do the day before? Like, 85 years old, did he rock in his rocking chair, smoking and drinking jim, cool and calm about everything.. or did he take out his sword, polish it, keep on reminding his children, descendants, that they were going in to win and take over the promised portion bound to them.

I think he did the latter. 85 years old, still highly energetic, hopeful, confident, just waiting for the morning to come.. I guess he couldn't sleep at night.. tossing and turning. All becos he believed in the moment. Believed the promise of God. SO MUCH so that it compelled him to such excitement, to such faith.. and confidence of taking the land. I bet he did a count down after they were denied the promised land for 40 years. He must have had some calender thingy that went like 10354 days to the promised land.

He must have done all he could to prepare.. and i know he did prepare.. cos he trusted God so much so much.. and he knew the moment was coming. All this becos he trusted, he knew that God was faithful.. and he believed the moment.. the payday for him.

I then thought bout my own life.. like, i know my payday is coming.. my moment.. our moment. I mean God promised us the harvest. We may not know the actual day.. but we know its coming.. infact, its already amongst us. I realised that if i'm not excited about it, i dun do anything about it.. then it shows one thing. I don't trust God alot then. My faith in Him, in what He says, well.. it isn't all that strong then. And without faith it is impossible to please God.

Haha, then, after i realised that, i realised that i wasn't listening to jeremy anymore.. haha, so i started listening to sermon again. haha.. but a good reflection huh??

Payday's coming people.. let's rock this nation for God. Imagine, everywhere you turn to, you can't turn away from Him. that's what we want isn't it? A sister once told me about how in Canada, every street has one starbucks. EVERY STREET. Like, Jurong West st 43 has one.. 42 has another one. You can't run from it. Imagine that for churches that preach the God of the bible.. that's sold out for Him. WOW.

WOW. Honestly. WOW. So amazing.. we'll be practically living in one big church. Cos everywhere we turn to, God's there. Drug addicts, runaways, the brokenhearted, the drunks.. no matter where they try to run, they can't hide from His presence. They will turn from their wicked ways and to Him.

WOW. Payday's coming.. let's start working..

The one about Singapore Idol..

Okay.. Olinda's out. I'm not really afected bout the results, altho i wished it was Taufik that went out. I mean, i know he's good. i admit. Just.. dun like him.. and NO. Its not cos he'a a mat. I sorta thot Oldina's voice is really powerful..



But today's Sg Idol felt weird for me.. cos all these weeks i've been looking forward constantly to Daphney's performances, and well, today she wasn't around, and Sg Idol just doesn't feel like Sg Idol anymore..

Tsk, tried to add something to my blog but it turned awry. Haha, anyways, the Official Singapore Idol Website . Okok.. Up up and away!! See you folks.. btw, my re-exams are coming, Mon to Wed.. Please pray hard.. =)

The One with the drama serials.

Ok, we're drama crazy. More specifically, The Champion crazy. We're groupies. haha, was saying on a error-ed entry yesterday, that we were rushing back yesterday after prayer meet to watch The Champion.

haha, bad ending. Really. I thot they tried to force a good plot into one episode, cos 21 or 22.5 episodes serials are so not possible. At least they think its not. Must be 20, or 50, or 60. Just not 23. or 27. You get what i mean. haha, so it became a squeezed finale, which had so many loopholes.

Okay, just to show that i'm a drama buff, i wanna say i knew Jinxiang and Apple would end up together long before yesterday. Haha, i'm drama-pyshic. haha.. Yea, lots of other plots were not expanded, like Zengkang, and Anni; did they stay in sg? And yilin, how far exactly did she go to show she was sorry? Kaixin and Jiajun didn't have a proper closure to their r/s. AND the Hai Ou, or seagulls. COME ON!! Viewers wanna see how malu-ed they are by their lost.. that's what makes a series good. Haha, we didn't see no flying fish poke fun at them.

The biggest downer has gotta be Kaiwei, Jing Wen and Yixuan. Sigh, i know its a vote and its a fresh idea, it doesn't go beyond like, after we know who goes with Kaiwei, we dunno whether they will get married or what.

I vote Jingwen. She sacrificed too much. She's a nice girl who i tink, deserves something good in the serial. I mean, stop making her so pitiful Mediacorp scriptwriters..... father dies, sister disabled, brother always kena beaten up. if no boyfriend somemore.. man. haha.

I really think we should petition for a second season. haha..

The one where its 3.22am..

I got to bed early last night, bout 11.15pm, hoping to have a good long night rest, and to wake up early and all. BUT, my mom walked into my room for don't know what, and just walking alone woke me up. I actually really dislike people walking into my room when i'm sleeping, when they don't sleep there. I can't stand it, but i've learnt to live with it.

Thing was, my neighbour on the floor above was making soooooooo much noise. I don't know if its because of Ramahdan being over, or whatever, but its like, they kept rearranging the furniture. I mean.. that's like at 1.00am in the morning la! And they kept jumping ard, pounding their feet; either they have elephant steps or they are just out to irritate me, which btw, i tink the latter is true.

And its not the first time; in fact, it has happened so many times before, really, and its really pesky. Sometimes, i get so mad i feel like cursing them. Recently I've learnt to bless them, haha, by praying they get richer and move to somewhere else, or have enouhg money to soundproof their floor. BUT tonite, tonite... tonite, it was really ARGH. I mean like.. stop it. really. STOP.

Arh.. can't stand them.

So here I am, making a short entry..

The one with senseless poem.

I rmb the funny poem we had for our lit mid years. I'm inspired to write one now...

The murdocs.

The murdocs are a funny race,

Of pointy ends and rounded face!

Employed when needing form of light

Then sacked quickly, erased from sight.

Their selfless act; kamakazi-styled,

Brings them face to face with enemy ground.

Scraped and scratched, and deformed, no less,

The only tribute? A blinding arrest!

After cuffed together in a bundle,

The murdocs are mistreated; left in a mangle.

In the void! In the black hole!

They've served their purpose, and they were bold.

But the only recognition they receive,

Is but merely a blinding release.

Poor murdocs; they leave great legacies,

But none pay attention to their painful histories.

No one knows the murdocs' importance,

Nor of their deaths, which, should be reveranced.

They are but passing lights

In the vastness of night.

Used and thrown

Their contributions unknown.

I named them Murdocs in my poem

But Matches is what you call them.

-desmond.

Crazy enough?? haha.. its a movement which i call the "Remember the matches" movement.. haha..

The one with the beautiful song.

Ever felt as though you've failed God? Failed ppl? Failed everyone and yourself? Ever felt like a big fat failure? Ever felt so shameful that you screwed up?

..when we give stuff up, there's this certain strength that comes. Think about when we give it up.. but to God, what kind of strength comes. His JOY. His strength.

Don't ask me how.. I never know. But I'm always awed. My God is an awesome God..

I keep forgetting that great Love. I keep looking towards myself and see the failures and the nonsense and unworthiness in me. Do we forget that great Love has conquered all?

"Hey, I'm still your Daddy you know, I can still make things happen for you!"

"You don't have to understand why God loves you, you just have to know."

How true that the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

...be able to love God with an attitude as such. To give without fear of losing.

Cos in Christ, all unworthiness and class and ranks have been dispelled."

--from feb to april.

I give this song to you guys out there who are going thru times you don't understand.

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live..

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain,
then Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live..

Come to Jesus, Chris Rice

The one with the random thoughts.

Random. You know? Like boom, bombshell drops. Boom, chicken pie crust crumbles. Boom, the blue pen's leaking? Haha, random.

OK, i got my results back man. Haha, all glory to God, who knows i'll prob rot the hols away if i dun study. Yah, I'm taking a re-exam, to get my shot at passing just one more A. So O's people, if you're reading this, which you shouldn't be, i end prob later than any of you. I end on the 24th. Pretty much stinks that i end the latest, cos last year when i took my Os, i was the last one to finish too!

But you know, as the saying goes, which i might add, is a really really true and good saying... nice guys finish last. Haha, yea.. what to do.

You know, i got this eye prob. I've been having all kinds of probs with it. So yea, i missed edge... again.

I'm thinking what else to say..
thinking...
still thinking..
ok. I'l stop telling you i'm thinking cos i can't think and type simultaneously.

Ok, I guess i'll say that i don't know where the Great Monsters sweet came from, cos my parents didn't buy it. Someone gave my brother, and GASP. Yes, i took it without asking. - weak smile - My cousin gave him, think quite a few.. I really don't know la, my cousins have this weird ability of whipping out all sorts of funny sweets from funny places.. not as in take out from their hair or fingernails kinda funny places. As in, i have no idea where they buy it from...

Anyways, i give up. I'm taking so long to write the entry today, when i usually just write, write and away.. random thoughts are no way easier than structured focused ones.

I'll end by wishing colleen a happy birthday. Be blessed..
Haha, a first in my blog!! Pink coloured fonts.

The one with the coloured tongue.

Haha, got your attention angel?? Haha, ok a short one. I have a coloured tongue!! Haha, and i didn't realise it until i walked into the bathroom to shower. Apparently it was cause by some weird sweet i ate, that i don't even know came from where.. haha, just saw it lying on the table so i took it.

So angel, "great monsters" is its name, dyeing your tongue is its game! haha, go hunt for it some day. haha..

Its been raining the past few days. I gotta admit. i love rainy days, esp just before it rains, cos its all dark and my room will look extra cosy and its lke the best weather to watch a movie at home. But the down side?? My clothes don't dry that fast anymore. Rather irritating. anyways, rainy days are still nice, for me at least..

The sweet. The phone is like some thing that you can compare the size of the sweet to. Like you know, they will take a bee against a hand to show the real size? haha.. something like that. 

The tongue. haha, yea ok. so i have a large tongue. Jealous? hahah.. 

The one with the first very relaxed sunday in months.

Ok, haha, a relaxed sunday. The video ppl and joel and john played badminton in the sanctuary for most of the afternoon, and a few of them jammed while the badminton was gg on. We haven't been this relaxed in months. haha, cos promos are over and stuff. I? I didn't really jam cos i dunno any instrument, and i'm a singapore idol reject, haha.. no lah. was pretty relaxed that i was too lazy to do anything. So just sat about and observed.

I observed this old lady from chinese con today. I've always seen her around, and she doesn't really strike me, as in, i won't go away thinking of her and stuff. But today she did. I realised today that i see her alot. And she's always with that smile. She looks like a funny old lady, with a toothy smile. And realising that she's always around, today, struck me hard.

She's so sweet in nature, in actions. I mean, imagine, being so old, and like cartoon in your actions sometimes, but loving God so much. I mean, she's like a child in God. Really. And that is so heartwarming. She gets an entry. hahah, and alot alot alot of gold in heaven. haha.. She blessed my heart today, and i will appreciate seeing her around so much, cos it keeps me in check. That i must be at least as passionate about God as her.. if not more, cos i'm a youth. hahaha..

Okay, today sis sandy lam preached an awesome msg about giving our hearts really to God. She brought Pam, a bouncer she called her, to tampines to sing for her. haha, really commical, but the song was awesome. I first heard it from Pam in one of our worship pracs, and i cried buckets. Today, hearing it again make me think alot man.

The song made me compare myself at present when i heard the song at evening service, and when i heard it first at worship prac months ago. I dunno what to say bout the result of my comparison. Nonetheless, the past doesn't matter anymore. Sis Sandy said something about not living in our past.

I'll leave you the superb song, one of my fav since i first heard it. Bet you guys want it but can't rmb.. hahah (convincing myself that not only i think the song is nice)

Show me know me Try me and see
Every worthless affection
Hidden in me
All I'm asking for is that
You clease me oh Lord

Create in me a heart that's clean
Conquer the po'er of secret shame
Come wash away the guilty stains of all my sin

Clothe me in robes of righteouness
Cover my nakedness with grace
All of my life before You now
I humbly bring

Haha, got this from the net, but Pam sang Lord let it be, instead of Try me and see. I wonder what's right, but well, God reminded me thru the Lord let it be version. So who really bothers. haha, God is good. Haven't said that in my blog for awhile. GOD IS GOOD!!

Be blessed ppl.

The one with more tests.

My angst tastes like...

Vanilla
Find your angst's flavor

Simple and true, your angst is just the amount of any normal person. What's more, you exercise an extremely honest and healthy way of dealing with it. Many people could use maturity and wisdom like yours. Your angst may be that you don't get along with your boss or a family member is having health problems, but either way it's always something transient and survivable that you cope with and use as a step on your way to becoming a better person. If there's one problem with your angsting, it's that you may tend to take this matter-of-fact, dutiful approach to all things. Maybe you should cut loose a little now and then so you can have some wild fun and adventure to balance out your angst. Remember that life needs its up as well as its downs and treat yourself to a little reward for your work.

More tests!!

The one with a whole lot of stuff to say.

OK, yea, this week has been a not so good week. Uncle henry's passed on. And I haven't been to the wake, cos i'm scared somehow. I dunno how to react and stuff, but yea, somehow, i'm also happy for him. At least now he's in a place where no tears, pain, heartache, sorrow, and all bad stuff can exist. And he's with Daddy. Uncle henry and aunty soo are like family to me, cos my parents are so close to them and all. So yea.

Mr Sam's gone too, someone that i really respect. I wouldn't say admire, cos that somehow makes it seem he's a person that is not so easily approachable. He's unwaveredly, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the best teacher i ever had. Cliche phrase i know. But really, the 2nd best comes no where near him. He was sooo approahcable, caring in a subtle way, somehow managed to get me to talk to him heart-to-heart.. as in.. like.. very briefly, but no teacher has ever been able to do that before. I mean, i could tell him about how i felt towards life, and he told me how he felt towards life too.. He thot it sucked. (i disagreed.) I mean, i dunno how to describe, but he was so much like a friend to me. Like one of the single youths that i can clique with in church, like desmond? No, not me desmond. The other one. Guess both of them are soooooooooo arts-fact ppl. And sci students don't scold me, but i tink arts teachers, at least, are more in touch and hip.

I mean, this was a fren teacher. really fren. we cld go for movies if we actually found the time.. -rmb supersize me?- and well. he's just a teacher who's so much like a fren who you confide in, fren who you respect alot, and you are so at home with him. I could be just goofy and childish with him. And he'll play along sometimes, but nv making me lose respect for him.

I guess its becos he never liked being a teacher anyway. that's why he's so able to clique with us. like, he didn't like the sg system of education.. he sorta disagreed with it i guess. And yea, now he's gone to London.

Okay, fren and i were talking bout weddings. Here's abit of my part.. a rough idea. haha..

I want to get married in cowboy wear, complete with the hat and all, cos i've always like cowboy movies and shows since young. Something that rubbed off from my dad.. And then i wanna get married in the country side or something, maybe the farm? BIG BIG BIG wide open space with lots of greens.. and then when i finally get to kiss the bride, i will get on my white horse, and swing my bride up, in her gown and all. The gown can't be too flowy la, gotta end at her feet or it will be caught in the hooves or something. But, yea, then we'll ride away to some nearby waterfall as my guests slowly make their way there. That's where the tea reception takes place, and me and my wife will just enjoy the waterfall and the peaceful country atmosphere of the whole thing. haha.. if i had the money.............

yea. even guys do dream about perfect weddings. at least i do. haha..

Pls pray for aunty soo and family..

The one with the tests!

The cOloR test.

Your Existing Situation
Impulsive and irritable. His desires, and the actions involved, are paramount, with insufficient consideration being given to their consequences. This leads to, or arises from, stress and conflict.


Your Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but he feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which he needs. Unwilling to expose his vulnerability, he therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses him, but makes him irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.tress and conflict.


Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that he is receiving less than his share and that there is no one on whom he can rely for sympathy and understanding. Pent-up emotions and a certain egocentricity make him quick to take offense, but he realizes that he has to make the best of things as they are.
Feels that things stand in his way, that circumstances are forcing him to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.


Your Desired Objective
In despair and needs relief of some sort. Wants physical ease, a problem free security, and the chance to recover


Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. He feels misunderstood, disoriented, and unsettled. This drives him into a search for new conditions or relationships, in the hope that these might offer greater contentment and peace of mind.

Oh well, what can they tell from mere colours man??
Another one in line with the class kingdom!

The Kingdomality Test click title.

Your distinct personality, The Shepherd is to tend to your human flock. You understand the needs of those for whom you are responsible. Shepherds are vigilant and reliable. You realize your obligation and commitment to the well being of those entrusted to your care. Shepherds are very dependable. You engender a feeling of comfort and stability to those within your charge. On the positive side, Shepherds can be empathic, caring, understanding, practical and realistic. On the negative side, you may be manipulative, close-minded and sentimentally rigid. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

The one where I know I've been sleeping in too late..

Ok, I have not been in sch for the past 3 days, and yes. I can already hear one -woosh- ....... rotten egg flying.. i mean, flown past me. I can still hear.. mjaudmauueaomuead..... murmuring. Ok ok.. Shhh. You're hear to listen to me ya know?? haha, that's why you're in my blog. Haha, if not, hit the back button, or one of the links. I personally like the burgerking one. hahaha..

Yesyes, i know ppl are not exactly happy that i've not been in sch while they have, so faithfully too. John's like grinning and shaking his head.. I know. QH's just about getting ready to give me a tag to scold me bout that. Colleen's like "today pon arh!!". Only person i can figure that would be laughing with me is Grace, cos she skipped abit too. haha..

Haha, anyways, i said i know i've been sleeping in too late becos, Qh and ppl sneaked out of sch today! (see.. not exactly guai also la.. they went to sch but sneaked out. haha) And called me to go watch movie. But becos i woke up late.. i.. oh well. Miss watching a movie. I've been really wanting to watch a movie since my last, The Passion of the Christ, and before that, Troy. I even wrote about the Passion in my blog!

Yah, so i cldn't. And tmr i've gotta go back to sch. Which i really really hate. I mean, not becos of the classmates. Not the teachers..... Oh kay. Not ALL the teachers. Just doesn't feel nice to keep travelling and keeping so quiet in class and all. Ok. Not the quiet. And.. this particular teacher's lesson. Can't say who. Will just say the teacher likes to bribe us with sweets. Haha, maybe i'm being mean but.. argh.. haha.

so... i'm probably gonna spend today playing gunbound. haha. ADD ME ADD ME ADD ME!!! haha, you know. i just gotta tell someone this cos i dun think i can keep it in anymore. Both survival project and gunbound have HORRIBLE grammar (is that how you spell? Really stupid if i critic them on their english with bad english. haha..) and really really bad sentence structure. I dun get it sometimes. haha.

Ok.. i'm gunbound bound! haha, get it, home bound, gunbound bound? haha.. man. i'm good. haha..

The one where I get my title bar to type my title in.

Ok, I sorta never knew that I had this title bar thing, so all this while i kept bolding and underlining my titles manually by typing the codes.

Anyways, a short one today. haha, Yah, just realised on sunday, that any one thing we do actually affects another. Heard somethings la, haha, not eves dropping. Anyways, the person was telling me stuff, and i realised that something another leader had said the previous day really had an effect on that person, and in return the person reacted to other friends in some manner. Of cos they probably reacted to their frens in some manner affected by the first friend i was talking to.

Yah, point being, everything we do and say, tho we may think we're big and yaya papaya, or anything at all, has an effect over people. Really speaks of the power of the tongue thing. We can choose to speak life and let life be effected over many many many ppl, (cos its a domino effect), or crush others. I think la, its not just the content that can crush. Its the tone too. No one, no matter how good they think they are, has never hurt anyone before. I'm guilty of it. Many times over, guilty. That leader too.

That's important, cos it shows us how none of us are free from that, unless we never ever speak, altho that prob affect someone else too. But yah, we're all sinners yah? Haha.. sinful sinful sinful. haha..

I so want my speech to be one graced with love, seasoned with righteousness (is that right? ok, i'm an E-lit student who can't spell.) and one that brings life! Cos its fun to see ppl happy and joyful, than stressed and upset, cos firstly, i wound't know how to console them, and 2nd, i wld just like appear really stupid in front of them la, just nodding and saying, "aiyah relax" in a way that wouldn't even convince myself. haha.. God deserves so much more than what i'm giving Him now man..

Ok. Anyways, i re-downloaded survival project, and i downloaded gb. haha.. anyone else plays? add me as buddy! and teach me how to play. haha.. "snowborne" is my username. add me add me! haha..

Okk.. Nite world. haha..

The OVER entry.

Oh YAY oh YAY... Promos are over. Haha, all thanks to God and people who rmbed me in prayer. Kudos to you guys!

Oh and ya. Chicken wins 9 to Egg 2 and together 1. Haha... oh well. Whoever came first so doesn't matter. After all they grow up to be the same. Some people never realise that.

--- Tinted Glass ---
poised before tinted glass
only beauty and perfection gather.
one step. one step. one step.

Oh. what vulgurity before me!
one step. one step. one step.

there, so much better.
heyhey, come.

Tinted glass.
Tainted fabric.
Masterpeice.

Each masterpeices.
Yet they only see tinted glass.
Choose beauty, but deny it.
Discard monstrousity, but regard it.

They see only tinted glass.

merry dancing
all's okay!

afterall, they only see tinted glass.
afterall, vulgarity is one step
one step
one step away.

-desmond.

The One Year Old Entry.

I'm ONE! At least my blog is. Hahah, this blog has been thru my ups and downs. Haha, you know why? Because its on teh net, can't be gone unless blogger crashes. Haha, Yup.

Ok. Haha, I just revamped the place. I like it! haha, yea.

Anyways, yah. Haha, you know what? Haha, i do love my class. Sure some of them don't always talk sense, but hey! who always makes sense? haha, i've come to bond with them, bonding still with some. In the end, our horrid timetable gave us so much time to be with each other, we ended up being such good frens. Yea, though there are cliques and all. But somehow, at the moment we have fun, we really all have fun. Love my class. And no, i'm not saying this just becos they have my blog add now. haha,i do mean it. Haha, awesome classmates that i do wanna win to Christ. Help me dear Lord. God made it work out.. haha. He always does.

Ok. Haha, i've got a flooble board!! or tag board. or something!! YAY! TAG!! You're it!! haha..

The title-less entry (PtII)

Haha, dieow-ness. Haha, i was reading my prev entry and realised it was contridictory!! haha, as in.. haha.. oh well. haha.. But yah. I'm afraid man. It really doesn't seem like i know.. but i am. But then, i try and make myself calmn cos panicking isn't really gona help.

haha.. oh wel oh well. anyways. haha, dunno. i wanna go do something stupid.. like.. haha. Play soccer? haha, cos i don't play soccer ever. Or.... i dunno. haha.. okok. got to go.... some ppl nv reply msges. Msges that asked them a qns. Those ppl? SICKENING. haha.. honest! throw your phone away man! Its a qns.. not a comment you know? A real qns that requires an ans.. not like some no-need-ans-qns.

ARgh. haha. nvm. i'm not that cheesed off.. got better things to do. haha..

The title-less entry.

I don't know what i'll blog today.In less than 10 hours, my first promos paper will start. I will be sitting at my seat, smiling, looking confident, pens out, pencil poised. But i'm trembling now. I'm hardly prepared. I've told my friends, no sweat, told them not to panick, just relax. But me, i'm unnerved.

Yah. I'm calm. Sure I am. Deep deep down there's a strange peace. A peace I know i don't deserve. Yet the moment i lift myself off that Peace, and look at where i'm standing, i tremble. I fear.

Haha, a song comes to mind now. I've just listened to another great one a dear sister sent.. I don't know how i'll do. But, somehow, i wanna let God decide for me. I realised one thing the past few days, that i love Him. But how much i don't know. Thankfully, i know how much He loves me.


He was there, He was there
During history's darkest hour
He was there, He was there always
He was the Victor and the King
He was the power in David's swing
He was the calm in Abraham
He is the God who understands
He is the strength when we have none
He is the living, Holy one
He was, He is and He will always be
the Risen Lamb of God
-- Avalon, You were there [Adapted.. haha]

The Inflatable Ride Entry.

Today we had the carnival thing at our region. I was supposed to help with the SMS game thing, but before it started at 2.30 (it never did btw, cos no one signed up), i helped out abit with the inflatable ride. $1.00 for 3 mins.

I would be really screwed should i say, i didn't really time the kids and let some play for 5 to 7 mins, and someone tells on me. But something happened today that just blessed my heart so much. So much. And made me so ashamed.

I was manning the ride when this rough looking guy with his young kid came over. Kid couldn't have been more than 1 or 2 years old came over and stood in front of the ride. Argh... He asked the other guy manning the ride with me where to get coupons. At that moment i freaked out abit. I was worried he would cos trouble and i wouldn't be able to handle it. Like maybe make sure his kid got only the best and that he would get a good deal. I was so afraid.

Then his wife came over and passed my partner $1 and the guy let his kid on the ride. The kid wouldn't play; he was too young. And then i realised his wife had a speech disability of sorts, maybe even dumb. And my heart broke. My own fears, my own judgemental crap, my pride made me misjudge such a awesome and mild-mannered couple.

He told his wife the kid wouldn't play, and the wife had a sorta stressed look, and gestured that she already paid a few seconds ago. And he just turned back to the child, not out of irritation or disrespect, and tried to hoax the child into playing. They looked like the were about ot leave, and would have wasted $1, which i guess would mean alot to them. And i took out my own set of coupons, ready to refund them if they went off, not becos of my guilt, altho i was guilty, but becos their sweetness in spirit just blessed me so much.

I thought to myself, why would the guy even marry his handicapped wife? I mean, he wasn't handicapped, rough looking, but somehow good-looking also. Why marry a woman like her? I dunno the reason. Whatever it was, God had good plans. I dunno if they are Christians, or part of our church. But they blessed me so much that they get an entry dedicated to them.

I cannot forget their faces. The couple. Maybe no one else would think that what they did was very noble or sweet-natured. But to me it was. The mildness in their response towards each other, and how they just meant to walk away quietly w/o scolding the kid or asking us for a refund. WOW.

And ya, one girl took the hand of their child, and she just played with him. Didn't know the family, just played with the kid. In the end, he did end up playing.

$1 well spent.
They blessed me so much with it.

The paper aeroplane entry.

restless
restless
restless

running searching falling
down.

desperate breathless grasping,
but not anything. paper aeroplane flying through
time and space. sees all. knows all. but is not all.

crashes. then falls
down.

-desmond.

The give and take away entry.

I watched abit of the Passion today. Just abit, cause i didn't dare to watch the entire thing. Today, Jesus' mother had me thinking. Mary.

I wondered why God put her through all that He did. I mean, get her really shocked and afraid when he sent Mr-Angel-of-good-news to her.. then made her feel so really proud and honnoured to be the vessel that was used to conceive the Son of God. THEN, took everything from her when He sent Jesus, her son, to die on the cross.

I mean, that feeling of having everything then having nothing is worser than having nothing to begin with.

God sometimes is very weird. But guess that's what makes Him God.

The subject entry

I conversed with Jane the other day, and kept her in her seat with my repeated questions on how she handled French, art and music( these few i picked out only because i could not remember all the talents she's been credited with.) She hardly said anything, only smile back at me.

Her face was not one of vigour, not handsome by means of our standards at least, but her confidence was more than appealing. Only a young girl, yet Jane was bearer of strong values she had been taught while at her instituition where she studied previously. Not that alone; her ability to handle all her subjects left me bewildered and astonished. I couldn't handle my own few subjects!

But that mattered not. I had fallen in love with Jane.

In fact, I'm already at Chap 23 in 2 days. Okay.. in 2 days, i read from 12 to 23. Haha, yes. Maybe i'm still slow in your standards, but considering i took weeks to finish the first 12 chaps, I think i must have fallen in love with Jane. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.

ACT ONE : CORP REHEARSAL - TAMPINESS
CHARACTER : DESMOND, NOTHING-TO-DO-BOY

My faithful first real day of helping out in our church combined production with the US crew. The production? Eternity. (forgve my lack of 'i's in the entire entry, if there is. The button on my keyboard is in a selective coma.) I got off school late that day, and Bro Selvam came to pick me up from sch to go Tampiness. When I reached that day, i went to the balcony and was minding my own business when this guy from the US team asked me to video him teaching the others how to do the lights. I did, only after stupidly exclaiming, "Huh? What? You want me to do it? What if i do it wrongly?"

Then we really did nothing for the whole time. The only thing i really did was like go and wait for Joel to find the right bus stop, which took 45 min and 17 min on my phone! Haha, yea.

(ACT ONE ENDS)

ACT TWO : SET UP/REHEARSAL AT CCK, FRI AND SAT)
CHARACTER : DESMOND, LABOURER -WHO-HAD-TONS-OF-FUN

Yep. On friday i was so sick in school i signed out before 2 and reached CCK around that time.I initially expected very few ppl to be there and that i could just sleep for awhile before rehearsal. But i saw a group of technical ppl, doing... technical stuff! I expected that i couldn't help much, but i did!! Jude taught me how to connect the wires and stuff, and I did them well, altho i took a much longer time than he expected. Then the cast came in after awhile, and we practised and practised. It was then when i realised that the guy who asked me to videotape him, was our director, Director Cody Williams.

Sat was equally fun. I left my house at bout 9.55, and cabbed down to CCK; it was raining like WOAH. Nonetheless i made it and we just practised from 10 till bout 10.30 at night. It wasn't as look as it seems. In fact time passed so quickly i didn't even realise that so many hours passed. Really fun, and like i think i said before, loved the family kinda feeling. Our cups with our names, walking around barefooted (OK! Only me....) And just like that, 12 hours passed.

Our first performance was the next day!

(ACT TWO ENDS)

ACT THREE : ACTUAL PERFORMANCE
CHARACTER : SPOTTER 2.

On sunday, we had practise for the chinese performance. It was totally hilarious. Then our first production. I think it went well. MANY MANY MANY got saved. And just like that, God brought back to me that desire to see the nations come to Him.

When i saw the many come to the front, something in me just leapt and i started smiling like mad. And just looking at their faces, seeing the joy of finding their Savior, just made me so glad. And i was thinking about how heaven was rejoicing... going wild and mad over the many who gave their lives to God. And i realised that i DO want to have this joy. That i DO wanna travel the globe just to be an instrument that brings the joy of heaven into the lives of the many ppl around the world. To know that God and the angels are going ka-bonkers over so many ppl being saved, from the fires of hell.

That night was such a tough night. But God was there. He found time for me, a saved kid. And i thank Him for His grace and mercy.

The following nights were good and i had a walkie thru-out. I went by the name SPOTTER 2, and Cody wld give instructions thru the walkie. Pretty cool huh? After sch each day, except wed. Reached about 5.30, then just hang around and go for slurpie or something. And every nite, even tho attendence didn't seem alot, the salvations were a rather big proportion of the audience. And just so wow-ed and amazed man.

I'll highlight the last night in particular. My spots were down, again, and i was so panicky. Thank God Matthew was there to help me. The first two scenes were sorta spoilt by me i guess. I mean, i thot when the handle dropped out on thurs, was bad enough. But who wld have realised the handle wld have spoilt on friday somemore!? I quickly reviewd what i did that was unpleasing to God that day itself, and thot maybe sa tan was using it to spoil the production... thru me. Anyways, it miraculously fixed itself. To think the whole walkie-world was just wondering what went wrong.

Ya, and i was pretty sad knowing that this was our last performance. Actually was habouring a secret thot that the whole crew, cast and technical and all could just follow Cody bringing the performance to thousands upon thousands to many ppl ard the world. Becos i love so much(ed) to bring glory to God, love so much to see such a crowd come to Christ and turn from their sins, and love so much that family feeling. So much so much. And ya, fun to do la.

(ACT THREE ENDS)

ACT FOUR : FOOD FUN TEARDOWN
CHARACTER : DESMOND, SPOTTER 2, REALLY-HAPPY-KID

Then they went for food. I went to, but went back down. Just sorta wanted to keep myself busy, maybe becos i was reluctant to let the production go.But just was tearing down abit, being busy. Took a peice of glow tape and pasted on my phone (ok sorry!!) And just taking down "heaven's" gold and white when Cody came down and the kids were following behind. That scene cannot be erased from my mind. That kind of scene like a dad playing with his kids.The whole family came down the stairs, after him and the kids. And it was just BEAUTIFUL. I could cry. So beautiful. ARGH!! God!! Anything to get it back. Yah, so i went toilet to wash hands, and just sat in the balcony with some adults as Cody was getting some crew and all cast on stage. Then they sent everyone who went to hell to heaven... I mean, was just so beautiful. Played a fool abit, like sent some back to hell, but everyoen went to heaven. Cheering ppl on to "go to heaven" and just going wild. I mean... Real Heaven must have been going as wild as us.

So beautiful.

We thanked all those involved and just went like WILD. MAD!!! It was SOOOOO BEAUTIFUL!! OH GOD!!! A FAMILY TO CALL OUR OWN!!!

Then we prayed as one big family on the stage giving thanks, rejoicing about the salvations which i think reached over 1000 in all regions. Really so family and heartwarming. Then tear down began and all, and just carrying out the stuff to the basement, folding rolling the gold and white... Joel and I stayed till bout 1.

You know what?

ACT THREE DOESN'T END..

I want our region to be so united and bonded. I mean, i think no other region experienced what we went thru last night. The joy and rejoicing and madness and wildness. That's something to call our own. A shared joy. A shared love. For God. For the nations. For each other.

I LOVE YOU GUYS, the TECH CREW, the CAST, the MAKE-UP, the USHERS, the ALTAR WORKERS, the T SHIRT PPL, the WHOLE REGION. I love you guys. Ok, Cody's counted too, altho you'll prob never read this. Think we've adopted you as part of the region. It was so beautiful. I loved the atmostphere. The madness.

God You're the best. Really. Diifucult times, but God You never left. You're still beside me. Holding my hand. I love You. Give me grace to love You more.

ACT THREE DOESN"T END!!!! YAY!!!!

The Open Verse Entry.

One

Crafted and
carved
and conjointed
and combined
and compressed
into
one
block.

Yet
disjointed
apart
distant
far
from
what
it is
meant to be


time to kneel and hook hands and cry
and to pray and hold tightly and be all
,yet
One
Single
Entity
with Different Styles and Forms but always
,One
Single
Entity

Seven
Chords and
more make One
Strong and sturdy Rope
Seven Chords and Three make
An unbreakable Bond...

to kneel and hook hands and cry
and to pray and hold tightly and be all
,yet
One
Single
Entity
with Different Styles and Forms but always
,One
Single
Entity

desmond ng.

The real entry.

How real exactly are reality TV shows. Pretty certain you've thot of that. Reality TV is NOT real. Reality TV is in no way what you see on TV. Reality TV is what you see on God's TV screen.

I'd like to think He's beside a whole stack of videotapes of your life, piling so high up you can't see the top. "Gabriel, the 97, 476th hour of Desmond's life please. ( That's approx my 11th year on the earth btw) I think it's the 77th tape from the right on the 35th shelf in the 'D' section. Thank you, and bring more popcorn!! Elijah says he wants a diet coke too..."

Then an angel glides up past the screen and to amongst the clouds and disappears. In seconds he reappears excitedly flying back to God, with popcorn and coke and other tidbits, and he sits by God and they continue watching the tapes. Laughing in love, tearing at times I failed God, cheering on as I was battling a stronghold and jumping at a victory I won.

Reality for most of us is NOT in a jungle with no proper sewage system and no water supply and having to slaughter a chiken or cow for food. It may be for someone living there by default, but its not for us.

Our reality TV shoot is in Singapore, with exams, with work, with lousy teachers, with good teachers, with bad bosses and caring ones. Our reality TV program takes place in our families when we scream at them or serve them iced-water, when we clear the house or mess our rooms.

Our reality is simply where God places us in. My reality is where God has ordained for me to be.

Here I am on the other side of the radio
Wonderin' why I'm here and why anybody cares what I say
No I'm not a better man because I'm singing the songs on the radio
'Cause we're all the same
At the end of the day

Now I imagine you on the other side of the radio
Doing your homework or driving with your windows down on the freeway
I see you tapping the wheel
I see you bobbing your head to the radio
Oh and it makes my day
To see that smile on your face
And in some small way, I remember my place

'Cause its you and me singing the same song right now
Maybe this'll bring us together some how
Maybe there's a million people all singing along
Somebody started thinking about the third line
And maybe someone's saying a prayer for the first time
And that's enough reason to keep me singing my song
Singing my songs on the other side of the radio

Crank up the volume and sing at the top of your lungs with the radio
Tune it in to some good news and laughing along with the DJ
We're changing somebody's world from the other side of the radio
Oh and it makes my day
To see that smile on your face
And in some small way, I'll remember my place

-- Chris Rice, The Other side of the Radio

Sorta like a reality thing. Put up this song cos i was just listening to it as i blogged. Esther Foong and I were wondering what this song meant some time ago. Elvin said it was a song bout this guy hearing his own song on the radio. And he is wondering how many other people are singing it along with him and the radio. Like they all have different realities but they are bounded by one song. Esther and I just gave him the huh, no meaning look. But now i think i get Mr Rice. Maybe he realised we all have different realities. But we're bounded by one thing -- God's great love and commission.

Ok.

This is just an attempt to show that i'm stil up at such an unearthly hour cos i can't get to slp, which i will get to now. I'm sleepy.. haha.. ya.

Nite..

The puke entry.

bleargh..
Jesus..

woargh..
Jesus!

woarghhhhh!!!!!!
JESUS!!!

I was on the train to Yishun today, alone and thinking.Don't know how i even thought about this, even as i blog now.

ok. I tried. Really can't rmb how i thought of it.

Anyways, was just thinking how when i was young, my sister and i would go thru our sick-y period. Whenever we were sick, we usually were just left alone. I, for myself, remember, most vividly, the times where i would squat in front of the toilet bowl and just puke.

I remember in the beginning, the first few vomits i ever had, i would scream for my mom.. but she wouldn't come. She would just say, "Don't call me, i can't do anything. Call God.."

Yea, i still find that a bit cruel, leaving your child alone when he is already alone. When he's already hurting and crying and gasping for air in between vomits. When he's just needing for someone to assure him that he's loved, he's gonna be fine. You would think the least a mom could do was just be there and pat his back, and just ask if he's ok, even if she knows he's not.

But no. No sister there, no brother, no father, no mother. No one. Just you and toilet bowl. I never understood why my parents did that. I mean i knew for sure they weren't heartless but why leave me alone? As if i wasn't suffering enough. An affirming hand, pat or word would have helped alot.

Now looking back. I do. I see they cared. They cared enough to know i would be placed in many more situations in future that would leave me in a worst state then mucus and puke everywhere. And becos they saw that, they taught me to call on the Name above all other names, of cos in a way that seemed unfeeling.

Whenever i puked, it was sorta progressively more intense. I would call Jesus, and i would puke worse, and i would call His name louder. And it would get worst, and i would call again louder still with all hope that this Unseen Man would reach out and be the Hands my parents couldn't be, to be the Voice my sister couldn't be, to be that which I longed deeply for but no one gave. Call that child-like faith. Cos i knew, with every time i puked worst, i should have lost faith and hope in the Unseen Man, and just cry out for my parents. But He was so real to me that somehow, i dunno why, i would cry out louder and louder and louder and louder and louder for Him. JESUS! GOD! HELP ME...-woargh-

I've not vomitted in awhile. The last time was at the Edge Christmas party, after downing that horrible drink. This time God was more gracious to me-- i had a Da ge who asked how i was when i was in the toilet.

I don't know. Have i lost that kind of faith to believe He'll lead me thru my worst times, and the worst puking sessions i will have?

Honestly? I think i have lost it.

I want to have the faith to believe He has always been all that which i desire from people but never got, and will always be all that i desire. That when i'm crying out and no one hears, and when i'm tearing and no one comes, that when all love fails me, somehow, somehow, SOMEHOW, I will rest still in His arms, knowing He is all that I want. Be gracious to me Lord..

The Overtime entry.

WOA. My third entry in like such a short span!! I'm bloggee bloggee-ing blogger!

Ok, rmbing that i'm a retrospective person, if i'm using the right word, and i like to look back. Sometimes that's not good. Makes you live in your past. But sometimes that is good! Especially when you choose to see God in the picture.

You see, I realised one thing that night. God works overtime for me. Yes. Overtime. I mean if you actually look at it this way, His job was to save us. That's all. We're supposed to be for His pleasure. But i realised He's been working overtime in my life.

When I forget to study for tests, and i fail, but still score better than ppl who do.. He's working overtime.

When I have too much work, and i haven't completed them, and my teacher unkowingly only collects those i did, He's working overtime..

When I'm down and grouchy, He works overtime by sending me ppl i never expect to cheer me up. And the strangest thing is that they don't know it. He sent kids that day, playing among themselves!

When I'm feeling cold and alone, He works overtime by sending love msges to me. So mushy.. hahahhahah.. but, yea, love msgs from His self-written book. I mean, cool,I know a famous Author!

When someone gives me a treat to teh-beng or milo-beng, God's working overtime.

When someone offers to share food with me cos i'm broke and hungry, God's working overtime.

When someone gives me a pat on the shoulder, God's working overtime.

When I have someone to eat dinner with me, or go for sunday afternoon teh break with me, He's working overtime.

When He gives me just enough money for the month,to pay what i need to with allowance for indulgences like Sakae and movies, I know for sure He's working overtime.

When I make it to sch on time for sch, He's working overtime..

And you realise one thing? In these 'happenings', if it involves ppl, more than half the time they don't even realise how grateful I am, yes yes... cos I'm heartless, unfeeling, and always ALWAYS wearing a black long face right? But it just amazes me that they dunno how much exactly they've made me feel so high.. and that's becos God is working overtime.

When someone thanks me and says. " You msged me when i was feeling horrible, and it really cheered me up..", I know God worked overtime..

When i give someone a teh-beng treat, even tho im broke, I know God worked overtime..

When a short prayer for someone is answered, I know God worked overtime..

And i have so much more things i've been through where i know God has been working overtime, but the thing is, have i been grateful and thankful?

I pray i will be.

That when everything goes well, I will be thankful and i will know God is working overtime. That when everything goes awry, I will be thankful and i will know God is working overtime to get soemthing done. That when nothing happens at all, i will be thankful and know that God is working overtime to make something happen.

That God is working overtime, all the time. Becuase He loves you so much. More than you can imagine.

The Free-entry Entry.

Yea, the time is now 3.13am. I have sch tmr. Even tho its the holidays, till 5. From 8.3o to 5. Sighz.. sch stinks. Big time.

Anyways, was doing my project work minutes, and well, let's just say i ain't no good secretary, that's why i'm having quite abit of trouble. Due tmr somemore. Trying to bargain for thur. Yah, so i decided to stop. And decided that I have a blog. And decided that i haven't blogged freely in awhile. Freely as in, just blogging whatever silly things, like.. haha, there's a vanilla coke bottle on my table now, with lemonade in it. Or that I'm wearing the 'Potter's Hand' camp shirt, and its really tight and small.

Ya, I've been thinking lots recently. Maybe because I've got so much to do, whenever you just stop for awhile, alot of things come to you. Ya.. Looked back on this past bout what, 13 months? And realised God has been gracious and I have been straying.

You know, encounter is coming. I went for the march one last year. Even tho i had horrible sleep and was so resistant to it at first, God used it to turn my life upside down. Crazy. Nuts. To something that when i look at it, i dare not believe. Literally like being given a new life, a new identity and living it.

Of cos I've fell, and at times i went back to that old life. Possibly even now. And sometimes, I feel so sad and crappy. Because the same things that i begged God to take away from me, I have taken it back. Knowingly, unknowingly. Doesn't matter. Cos the thing is I did.

One thing i'm really scared of, is that my past and old life will chase after me. The scary things, the hurting things that have hurt me so. I'm afraid they will catch up with me. And I'm afraid they will steal my present. The people and relationships i have come to develop on the past 13 months. The freedom i have. The joy that i have.

But truth be told, it seems to be coming back me. And I'm so afraid. So afraid. Cos its starting to rob me of some things. My sanity maybe? Heh, joke. And its not that my old life was entirely bad. Some parts of it was and is good. But just that right now, they don't fit in.

Listening to an awesome song.

The mistakes I’ve made
That caused pain
I could’ve done without
All my selfish thoughts
All my pride
The things I hide
You have forgot about

They’re all behind you
They’ll never find you
They’re on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They’re on the bottom
Of the ocean floor

My misdeeds
All my greed
All the things that haunt me now
They’re not a pretty sight to see
But they’re wiped away
By a mighty, mighty wave
A mighty, mighty wave

Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor

Take them away
To return no more
Take them away
To the ocean floor
To the ocean floor
To the ocean floor

-- Audio A. Ocean Floor.

I was talking to God just now. Just like, reviewing my past 13 months, and the years before that. From 99'. And i was saying, like, if my old life walked back in. I would prefer my new life. Sure, my old life had things that i loved and was good. And God would have been happy for me too. But this new life, has so much more things that i love so much more. The freedom.. etc. And God would definitely be more happy for me in my new life. Becos He handpicked these stuff and gave them to me. I'm holding on to them man. They're so much better.

Okay. Alot more to say. Wait till i stay up late again then i will get into the mood of saying. Nite.. at 3.44. hahah..

The When entry.

When strength wears thin
And hope wears out
When warmth is lie
And love is fib

Are You there?

When tears run down
And joy runs far
When real turns pretence
And friend turns cold

Are You there?

When touch brings hurt
And promises bring nought;
When cries are unheard
And knees are bruised

Are You there?

My joy is strength
My peace, your hope
My love is full;
Its all for you

I am here.

I keep your tears;
Restoreth joy
I wear no mask;
All love am I

I am here.

I gently touch
With faithfulness
I listen always;
Making whole

I am here.

And I am God.

The What For? Entry

What for? Tell him my problems? What makes you tink he's gonna be bothered? He's too busy. Too high up there for my problems. No one cares how i feel anyway. I dun see the no reason why i have to share my hurting with him, my pain with him. I'll just don't bother bout these hurts and pains. If i dun bother it won't hurt me what. After all, I know myself better than he does. Is he trying to mock my 'small-ness' by bothering with me even tho he's so much better than me? Who does he tink he is?

He is only God.

Sounds familiar? You know, everyone has their down periods. But what makes the difference between us Christians and the world is that we have God. And shld we become indignant and just take up a heck care attitude.. that in someway hints that, well, tho this might be painful to say, we've taken God from His rightful first place. Somehow, we let our own strength, or maybe our own hurts take the throne.

I gotta admit tho, its really easy to just say, "Hey, know what? I dun care. Do you? Cos i dun." And i know its easy for me to say that well, God's gonna be there. But that is the simple truth. God IS gonna be there. And if we honnour Him with the simple act of just trusting Him and casting our cares on Him.. He's gonna honnour us back.

I'm guilty of hecking too. But i've come to realise that God's there for a reason. And He's more than willing. He's up there for a reason. So He can be with us and together we can come down, literally, on the prob.

Be blessed. =)

In Christ alone I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of His blood
In every victory let it be said of me
My source of strength My source of hope
Is Christ alone

My source of strength My source of hope
Is Christ alone

A treasure chest. Without treasure.
A clay vessel. Without water.
An apple. Without meat.
An apple without meat. Becoming more and more dehydrated.
A perfume bottle. Without fragrance.
A life. Without Christ.

Empty. Empty. Empty.

So much for promises. So much for anything at all. So much for professed love. So much for ideal worship.

All emptiness. Empitiness.

Forgotten.
Forgot the look.
Forgot the voice.
Forgot the touch.
Forgot the tiles.
Forgot my way.

Forgot.

Please don't forget me. I have nothing left. Dun forget me please.

The He's good always Entry. [ I actually wrote this on sat night. But too afraid to show it.]

I just read some of my old entries. I try to be as detailed as possible, writing down silly things in my blog, like esther and elvin wld rmb in my et journal, because sometimes the small things make you rmb more.

Rmb the time, esther tan, where we were at bro evangelino's house? And the words God gave you? And the chicks? And the mother hen? Rmb every morning when i woke up and opened the door and saw you opening yours? And just feel so at ease when i saw you? The xia xiang ju? Rmb after we came back? Rmb how i sometimes said weird stuff to you?

Rmb the time elvin,my da ge if you ever read, i cried in the room for no apparent reason? Rmb the time i sat in the plane alone on the way back to sg, and then you came over.. and i said," da ge?" And you said," Hmmm..?" And i never replied. Rmb the time when i was whining about the cockroaches. Rmb the toilet door in our room in bro Israel's house that had no knob? Rmb the bowl and the branch? Rmb all my smses at weird times of the day or nite? Rmb you said wad my psalm was? When we talked a real long talk that sunday? Rmb how i started calling you da ge and why i treat you as my da ge?

Rmb you both the times we washed the dishes? The times we played with mattias who bit us? The times we played with muffy and fluffy, "Sai!" ? Rmb the cleaning of the pick-up truck? Rmb carrying all the boxes and sis lily being so super zai?

Rmb sis lily, if you ever read, you dropped a tear at our debrief time? Rmb you just looking at us when we were writing our journals? Rmb rushing from plane to plane carrying all the heavy stuff? Rmb the time i and elvin held up your hands at bro evangelino's home? Rmb when sometimes i must have disappointed you so much?

Rmb how all of you took care of this siao di di? I did. Still do. I love you.

Rmb dear parents tho i know you wldn't read, all the times you spent on me? the scoldings, the love, the pain, the hurt, the joy, the seemingly unworried times like when i got my results in PSLE and Os? Rmb the times you boasted of me to others? Rmb the times i held you guys and cried? Both respectively diff times? Rmb Daddy, the time i held you so tight and cried. And cried. And cried. I love you. I love you both.

Rmb eric if you ever read, the time qy, elvin and you met me at westmall? I looked at the table today and felt abit like crying. Rmb the times you opened your house to let me and joe study? Rmb the times at camps where we roomed together? Rmb this one time during camp you sat in front of me long after everyone had gone for lunch, and i just sat with my mucus all over, and i didn't say anything? And i just walked to the toilet and came back? And said something that God had already told you? And the 'unconventional' thing at youth camp? Rmb what i told you that sunday?

Rmb esther foong if you ever read, when i was over at your place studying with jessie, and i did your blog? Rmb all the times we just crapped? Rmb the times when at morning prayer? Rmb what God always told us? Rmb the silly things we do? Rmb the word frontier? Rmb the visions?

Rmb joel and john if you guys ever read, we had our P3 mission and got stuck? Rmb how we tried to find who zeerick was? Rmb all the times we stuck together? Rmb all the photos? Rmb how we never understood one another cause our personalities clash so badly? but we still are good frens now?

Rmb qiuyi, if you ever read, all the times you talked to me? Rmb telling me something at Long John's? Rmb how when i first got ICQ the 3 of us always chatted late into the night?? Rmb how you guys helped me with the stupid scar that i had in me that i struggled so long with? Rmb how you said something to me that totally turned me ard from that day on? Something about magnifying? And i made the decision to turn ard totally?

I rmbed. And i love you.

Rmb all you guys, many of you i haven't named too. I dun have the capabilities to write all down here. But i rmb. And i love you.

Rmb God? All the effort You've put in for me? Rmb how you brought funny ppl in my life who walked out ? And i never understood. Not at all till now. And now i can see You long had greater plans for me..so much better ppl in my life for me now. Rmb the words You've spoken over me? You rmb the times i cried before you? Rmb the time where for like.. MY WORD. I just rmb. Labour Day last year was the times i started crying myself to sleep for a few weeks non-stop. The same day i grew closer to most of the ppl i mentioned above. Rmb the times I just said I need You so much? The times i woke up at weird times of the nite and just ran to You? The times i was so afraid of stupid things and You were there? Like when i went to East timor. In the plane to bali? Rmb God? Rmb all the so many more things? Rmb when i hugged my pillow and said I wanted to hug You? Rmb when i asked You if you could give me a hug physically, and You showed me somehow You could? Rmb how You reminded me of Your great love?

I did. I did God. Maybe not as well as You. But God i pray i will always rmb and be grateful. I love You.

It was a long entry. And I'm in tears. I rmb the love. I cannot name all. But i love you guys. And i love God, and i know so many times i hurt Him. I take a knife and poke His palms with it. But He never left me, never gave up. All His thots toward me are good. I'm so touched God. By the love you've given me. Even thru giving me all these ppl. I love You. Give me grace to love You more and more each day.

Amen.

[ Added today: Guess at such a time where so many of us are down and out.. I wanna say I love you guys. God loves you guys. Even if He leads you into a place or situation you dun understd at all.. Rmb that His word is a lamp to our feet and He will NEVER NEVER NEVER give up on us.]

The 2.53am Entry.

Okay. I feel really really acomplished that i so have to type in down immediately. I just finished my lit essay -- character analysis. It's really not much to boast of. I tink its messy and all. I mean, structure, but bottom line is i made it. I actaully stayed awake to finish my essay. Yah. haha. Okay. Sorry. Suddenly the excitement wears off.

Ok. School's been pretty tough. Still so tired. But yah. I thank God for stuff like prayer meeting, sunday services, net, dinner with close friends, or msges from one close friend to another. Just, really somehow picks you up. Sorta gives you strength to run on.

Yah. Hahah. I'm feeling my first symptom! My throat's feeling weird. But hey. Dunno what to say bout it too.

Hahah, really alot to say. Dunno where to start at all. Bang? had lots of fun. Like reliving childhood all of us. Edge? hahah, funny one. but, yah.. was not really there. I mean. I was like so 'off' to another place. And i kept going toilet!! Sunday services? Fun.. Today's prayer meet? Cool.. did sound duty.. nigel's so crappy and funny.

yah. Thank God for frens who bother to msg me. It makes my day, makes me look forward to looking to end of sch.

Yah. pretty much done.

Nite ppl! : )

The M18 entry

Warning : The following content is intended only for audiences aged 18 years and above. Minors please SHOO away NOW.

Haha, but if you wanna sneak and read on, I'm not asking for your ICs.

Yes! I wasn't in school on monday, woke up sunday nite to do homework till pretty late, so was too tired to go sch. But later during the day, really felt unwell. Think cos of irregular sleep and the lack of it. Yah, so wanted to meet some of them for dinner, and while they went to watch Passion after dinner, do homework with esther foong at whereever it is we were dinner-ing.

So on my way to westmall, (ok, just gotta say this. 187 stinks big time!!! The waits for the bus are SOOOOO irregular and so is the traveling time. Sometimes 15 mins can reach. Sometimes as bad as 45 min!! ARGH!) Anyways, yea while walking to westmall, Jason calls and says ,"You wanna watch Passion?" I was like.." yea.. i would, but i can go in meh?"

So we decide that we would just go ahead with buying the ticket for me.

Then we go to delifrance, where they eat, and i dun even tho i'm supposed to be meeting them for dinner. Yah then realise Jason has free ticket, so if i cannot go in then i dun have to pay still. Yah so we start planning -- If the auntie asks me, jason would hit me and say "What!??! You're not 18??". OR i could just hide between elvin and jason and rush to the toilet immediately when we go hand the tickets over.

Finally when we went up, Jason decided my 3/4s, colourful shirt, fuhua sec file 2003 and pencil box wasn't gonna help me in ANY way to get in, so we placed it in his "Lim's Living" paper bag and i would carry it to make me look older. Yah, so story goes on that the auntie is an unassuming lady who doesn't ask me for my IC despite my childish front. I GOT IN!!

Phew!

Yah, so in the cinema, we're early and I'm cold ( what's new?) and i get to use elvin's bag as sheild. (It plays a part in the story dun worry..) yah, so we sat there, the show started and i asked my dear da ge to warn me when the gory part comes. And he REFUSES! Haha, yah, so we just watch. Then when pilot said something, Elvin says," Oh no..it's coming..."

I tried counting the no. of times they flogged Jesus, but i couldn't continue on. I was just crying like a TAP!!! Vibrating tap!! Yah, quoting Elvin to someone asking if i cried, " Aiyah he.. need to ask meh?" Yah. I was like WAHHHHHH.. even tho the whole time elvin's bag covered half the screen for me. I didn't stain his new bag with my tears! honest! I didn't da ge!! I was cautiously crying!

yah, then we go on to the different parts and i was just crying and crying and crying and crying and you get the idea.I was mad at the roman soldiers and all, but i just kept saying to myself, "There are only 2 characters in this show-- Desmond and Jesus".. And i cried more.

After the movie, I just sat in my seat and elvin and jason just talked about the show. I wanted to laugh at this part of the conversation :
Elvin: Almost every name ends with an E or I or O
Jason after 1o secs : No.. no e's! I or A or O!

But i cld only sit and tear more! Man!!

I mean. Jesus went thru all that, becos all the time while He went thru everythg He did, He saw you and decided it was worth it. Cld feel God whispering as if, saying "Be Spirit-led.." I mean, letting the Holy Spirit take over.

Okee, really long entry. M18. I was sorta proud to be the youngest in the theater, like gives me the right to cry more than anyone else. Hahaha.

Yea, on ending, wanna say God's love is that simple. Jesus is God's love personified. And to my da ge, your bag was really dry, haha, you jerk! All you thot bout was your bag?!? haha.. I was careful not to wet it cos i know its new lah! hahah.. im so nice. sighz.

God's nicer. =)

The beloved entry.

Yep, just returned from M'sia from brother andrew and sis yu ping's wedding. Nice wedding lah, like held in a quiet estate. Alot of ppl! And like the wedding was not over-done and i dun tink it was under-done too. Just nice for the both of them. Wasn't really elaborate. We had erm..worship, haha.. and then the normal stuff with special items. One of which was the 'testimony' of the other J21 team. Seemed more like a sermon instead. Kai Loon the preacher!

Another was this performance by some of the church children. (Our sister church i suppose.) Yah, they came in with like basket balls and this particular boy also carried 2 balls, but large as in LARGE balls. He was like leading them la! So i was pretty impressed and like going ,"Awww.. cute..."

Then i hear someone, till now i know not who, who says, "They're autistic you know..?"

W..H...A....T?!?! These kids? Autistic?

---Sience in desmond's mind.---

Not that i look down on them. But just, so taken back. They looked so normal. Anyways.. after tt, seeing them made me smile even more.

There was a teacher there who brought the mic up to them as they were like doing stunts with their basket balls, and they each said a short phrase. In particular, the last boy's phrase just almost brought me to tears.

In Christ, I am smart.. I am brilliant.. and I can do ALL things.

Pause.

Desmond thinks to himself, " My word. He truely believes what He says. If He has such faith in God despite his undeniable condition, why do we have to fear that we don't match up to other's expectations? Cos in Christ, all unworthiness and class and ranks have been dispelled."

Yep. This is for you, the one thinking you aren't as worthy as your good fren, that you aren't as worthy as a close fren, aren't as worthy as anyone else at all, INCLUDING the guy walking down the street this moment outside your window. You may not be worthy in the world's measurements, but we aren't from this world. We are all equal, are beloved of Christ, and all made worthy by the scars on Christ.

You may look down on yourself. But know this. God doesn't look down on you. He's so proud of you, so proud so proud of you. Just remain tender before Him.

This trip reminded of so many things tt happened in my childhood. Words that ppl said of me. Good and bad. Just like 2 days. I love my God.

The peached-flavoured entry.

You know how is it that when you meet with an interesting incident during the day, you just say to yourself," That's gonna be in my blog today?" Yep. I have something from tuesday.

It's a peached-flavoured sweet! Okay, i admit. I dun really have it. Unless you mean in my tummy.. -rubs tummy, satisfied.-

So what's the deal bout a sweet kiddo? Simple. I rushed from sch to prayer meetin, and was on GP, yah. So i was late like 25 min. hahah.. So the person on GP with me gives me a sweet. Then she gave me another sweet, but this one is a peached-flavoured one. She was teling me her lecturer gave it to them cos it was their last lecture.. and i asked her," You know where to get it meh?"

"No.. ask my lecturer lah.."

Which touched me alot. Cos.. its like.. something that she has so little of. I mean.. she had to dig her bag for the sweets and it was from her lecturer, meaning she didn't know where it came from. And she liked it alot!! But she was so happy to give it to me. I was so touched.

Ok fine. I'm easily touched and moved to tears.

I wasn't moved to tears this time if you're asking tho. But was touched lah! Thinking back, it was like the woman with the Jar of alabaster.I mean, WOW.

I wanna be able to love God with an attitude as such. To give without fear of losing.
I wanna give the lost an Answer. That I know where to get from.

Yep. Peached flavoured sweet. Hmm.. It was nice!! Btw, anyone know where to get it?? hahaha... Yea. With the same measure that God gave us. I mean, He gave just like that.

WOW! I has so many paragraphs!! Haha, ok. Yah. I'm done. You're done with reading. Nite you little sleepyhead!! =)

The bone entry.

With the recent passion, Christ's death, Ressurection kinda thing around now, I gotta blog bout it too. Okay, I HAVEN"T watched passion. Now now.. stop the jeering. Tsk tsk, the power of the spoken word. hahahaha... yes. But i did watch Fosaken, A VFC production.©.2004.

Lights out.

Lights In after 2 sec interval.Scene takes place at a plain.

Desmond : Oh? Jesus.. You serious? That happened? Wow.. i never knew the Father's love was like that. Oh.. bread? THANK YOU Rabbi, i was hungry.. You sure take care of me.. I love You..

Lights out. 2 sec interval.

Lights in.Scene takes place at Golgotha.

Desmond : Crucify Him! Crucify Him!!

Lights out. 2 sec interval.

Desmond :(aloud to himself) I can't bear to watch.. Its.. its.. too....

Camera zoomz in on Desmond. Streams of tears roll down.

Yah. i cried. SILLY!!! But i tink i did lights bout 5 times.. rehearsals and actual. And I cried 3 times. I just cldn't bear to watch them 'drive' a nail thru Jesus's hands. I mean. It was me. I was the one who drove the nails thru His hands. I was the one who whipped him till the flesh hung just by the thin layer of delicate skin, painted red with fresh and dried blood. I spat at him. I was the one who did all that and more DESPITE the fact tt He spent so much time. preaching to me, talking to me, feeding me bread, just treating me like a good fren.

I betrayed my good fren. I did not help Him or stand beside Him. In fact i turned around and threw stones at Him (and the Roman guard while i was at it.. just for the kick i get out of being sadistic.hahaha... joke la!)

You see. Its confusing yah, but my point is. I was the one who He loved,the one who said I loved Him. The one who brought Him before Pilate. I was the one who beat and flogged Him, 39 times, cos i didn't want His blood to be on my hands if i flogged Him one last time and took his last breath away from Him. I was the one who kicked Him on the way to the cross. The one who cried out "Crucify Him!". I was the one drove the nail into his bones. And he knew it was me. But He went ahead with the nailing thing.

I wonder if He struggled before the nail was knocked in. I wonder if He winced in agony when His flesh-baring back was placed on the cross. I wonder if He made noises of pain in attempts to relieve a puny bit of pain.

But i tink. No. He didn't struggle. Cos He saw me. And He knew He had to die to snatch my soul from where it was, and into the gates of heaven.

I cried. Did He? I tink He did.
I died. He did too. But He gave me life anew, when He died and rose again.

Lalalalla....... okok.. thank You Lord..
Nice work ppl!! Forsaken was a success. I actually worried one part tt no one wld go for altar call. but God seemed to say, "Hey.. even if no one came out, you wouldn't be the one put to shame. It wld be Me. But then again child, I will never be shamed. Becos somehow, a work will always be done."

Yep. God IS good.

The no more! entry.

Okay man. I've decided not to whine any longer about my horrid timetable. I have been trying since monday not to grumble about the late evenings and early mornings and 1 hour breaks a day.( God is good, i have a empty period on mon cos i dun take chinese b.) Yep. I dun wanna keep whining, cos ultimately I was the one who chose my own subj. Not that i blame anyone for my plight, but i see no reason why they shld suffer my insistent complaints that i have a timetable i'm terribly cheesed off with. It's better now lah, not that i'm used to it but, just taking it in my stride. AND thank God for weds where i end at 1, if nexus meets on another day.

Yep, class hasn't been good, but definately not the worst. I'm still surviving and will survive. They are abit exclusive, but i still can mix abit. Not that bad lah, its a crazy class. Some ppl are lame and sociable, some others are offensive in their attempts to be lame. Others just come off as irritating, but yea no ill intentions. Teachers are fine. Some are not very nice, as in strict and cannot teach, but they are humane. We are all imperfect anyway.

One thing that really scares me is PE. Another is Lit. Dun get me wrong. It's nice and fun. But I have alot of readings. ALOT. And cos its gothic lit, its sorta scary. Haunting. Esp when you have a funny imagination like me, you'll get caught in the book. And some of it its not nice stuff, like.. man. Supernatural. Its just not nice. Almost feel like you need spiritual covering.

Anyways, enough of my sch.

Today i came back early. And i watched my first cartoon in days. Duck tales. Uncle scrooge was a mean guy, didn't lend his cash to poor 'frens', donating 1o bucks to charity with a 1ooo dollar note and asking for change and the like. Suddenly this guy came to demand payment from him - debt from 2 generations ago. So Uncle scrooge lost all his money, then his poor 'fren' helped him when the others didn't. This poor fren owed a ship which was destroyed becos he helped uncle scrooge. Anyways, cut things short, he paid the 'debt' to the bad guy. And he decided to help the poor needy, and bought a new ship for his poor fren whose boat was destroyed.

Your typical disney cartoon. All ends well.

Of cos i didn't do a nice job of relating it to you. But i realised i missed such cartoons. I miss the old times. I sorta miss the times where we just didn't have so much nonsense and work and quarrels. Sort of wished that we could be like the old times. Where quarrels and I-won't-talk-to-you-any-more-s lasted like 5 mins. Where somehow, everything works out well in the end. Like a cartoon. That everything will work out well at the end of 3o min in front of the tv.

I love You God. I love my family. I love my frens.
I miss you guys. Sometimes I am just haughty.
But it doesn't mean i dun love you guys.
I do. But i forget so often that i shld respect you guys.

I love the old time singing shouting
I love the old time way
I love the old time singing shouting
Praying praising
I love the old time way