The puke entry.

bleargh..
Jesus..

woargh..
Jesus!

woarghhhhh!!!!!!
JESUS!!!

I was on the train to Yishun today, alone and thinking.Don't know how i even thought about this, even as i blog now.

ok. I tried. Really can't rmb how i thought of it.

Anyways, was just thinking how when i was young, my sister and i would go thru our sick-y period. Whenever we were sick, we usually were just left alone. I, for myself, remember, most vividly, the times where i would squat in front of the toilet bowl and just puke.

I remember in the beginning, the first few vomits i ever had, i would scream for my mom.. but she wouldn't come. She would just say, "Don't call me, i can't do anything. Call God.."

Yea, i still find that a bit cruel, leaving your child alone when he is already alone. When he's already hurting and crying and gasping for air in between vomits. When he's just needing for someone to assure him that he's loved, he's gonna be fine. You would think the least a mom could do was just be there and pat his back, and just ask if he's ok, even if she knows he's not.

But no. No sister there, no brother, no father, no mother. No one. Just you and toilet bowl. I never understood why my parents did that. I mean i knew for sure they weren't heartless but why leave me alone? As if i wasn't suffering enough. An affirming hand, pat or word would have helped alot.

Now looking back. I do. I see they cared. They cared enough to know i would be placed in many more situations in future that would leave me in a worst state then mucus and puke everywhere. And becos they saw that, they taught me to call on the Name above all other names, of cos in a way that seemed unfeeling.

Whenever i puked, it was sorta progressively more intense. I would call Jesus, and i would puke worse, and i would call His name louder. And it would get worst, and i would call again louder still with all hope that this Unseen Man would reach out and be the Hands my parents couldn't be, to be the Voice my sister couldn't be, to be that which I longed deeply for but no one gave. Call that child-like faith. Cos i knew, with every time i puked worst, i should have lost faith and hope in the Unseen Man, and just cry out for my parents. But He was so real to me that somehow, i dunno why, i would cry out louder and louder and louder and louder and louder for Him. JESUS! GOD! HELP ME...-woargh-

I've not vomitted in awhile. The last time was at the Edge Christmas party, after downing that horrible drink. This time God was more gracious to me-- i had a Da ge who asked how i was when i was in the toilet.

I don't know. Have i lost that kind of faith to believe He'll lead me thru my worst times, and the worst puking sessions i will have?

Honestly? I think i have lost it.

I want to have the faith to believe He has always been all that which i desire from people but never got, and will always be all that i desire. That when i'm crying out and no one hears, and when i'm tearing and no one comes, that when all love fails me, somehow, somehow, SOMEHOW, I will rest still in His arms, knowing He is all that I want. Be gracious to me Lord..