Ok.

This is just an attempt to show that i'm stil up at such an unearthly hour cos i can't get to slp, which i will get to now. I'm sleepy.. haha.. ya.

Nite..

The puke entry.

bleargh..
Jesus..

woargh..
Jesus!

woarghhhhh!!!!!!
JESUS!!!

I was on the train to Yishun today, alone and thinking.Don't know how i even thought about this, even as i blog now.

ok. I tried. Really can't rmb how i thought of it.

Anyways, was just thinking how when i was young, my sister and i would go thru our sick-y period. Whenever we were sick, we usually were just left alone. I, for myself, remember, most vividly, the times where i would squat in front of the toilet bowl and just puke.

I remember in the beginning, the first few vomits i ever had, i would scream for my mom.. but she wouldn't come. She would just say, "Don't call me, i can't do anything. Call God.."

Yea, i still find that a bit cruel, leaving your child alone when he is already alone. When he's already hurting and crying and gasping for air in between vomits. When he's just needing for someone to assure him that he's loved, he's gonna be fine. You would think the least a mom could do was just be there and pat his back, and just ask if he's ok, even if she knows he's not.

But no. No sister there, no brother, no father, no mother. No one. Just you and toilet bowl. I never understood why my parents did that. I mean i knew for sure they weren't heartless but why leave me alone? As if i wasn't suffering enough. An affirming hand, pat or word would have helped alot.

Now looking back. I do. I see they cared. They cared enough to know i would be placed in many more situations in future that would leave me in a worst state then mucus and puke everywhere. And becos they saw that, they taught me to call on the Name above all other names, of cos in a way that seemed unfeeling.

Whenever i puked, it was sorta progressively more intense. I would call Jesus, and i would puke worse, and i would call His name louder. And it would get worst, and i would call again louder still with all hope that this Unseen Man would reach out and be the Hands my parents couldn't be, to be the Voice my sister couldn't be, to be that which I longed deeply for but no one gave. Call that child-like faith. Cos i knew, with every time i puked worst, i should have lost faith and hope in the Unseen Man, and just cry out for my parents. But He was so real to me that somehow, i dunno why, i would cry out louder and louder and louder and louder and louder for Him. JESUS! GOD! HELP ME...-woargh-

I've not vomitted in awhile. The last time was at the Edge Christmas party, after downing that horrible drink. This time God was more gracious to me-- i had a Da ge who asked how i was when i was in the toilet.

I don't know. Have i lost that kind of faith to believe He'll lead me thru my worst times, and the worst puking sessions i will have?

Honestly? I think i have lost it.

I want to have the faith to believe He has always been all that which i desire from people but never got, and will always be all that i desire. That when i'm crying out and no one hears, and when i'm tearing and no one comes, that when all love fails me, somehow, somehow, SOMEHOW, I will rest still in His arms, knowing He is all that I want. Be gracious to me Lord..

The Overtime entry.

WOA. My third entry in like such a short span!! I'm bloggee bloggee-ing blogger!

Ok, rmbing that i'm a retrospective person, if i'm using the right word, and i like to look back. Sometimes that's not good. Makes you live in your past. But sometimes that is good! Especially when you choose to see God in the picture.

You see, I realised one thing that night. God works overtime for me. Yes. Overtime. I mean if you actually look at it this way, His job was to save us. That's all. We're supposed to be for His pleasure. But i realised He's been working overtime in my life.

When I forget to study for tests, and i fail, but still score better than ppl who do.. He's working overtime.

When I have too much work, and i haven't completed them, and my teacher unkowingly only collects those i did, He's working overtime..

When I'm down and grouchy, He works overtime by sending me ppl i never expect to cheer me up. And the strangest thing is that they don't know it. He sent kids that day, playing among themselves!

When I'm feeling cold and alone, He works overtime by sending love msges to me. So mushy.. hahahhahah.. but, yea, love msgs from His self-written book. I mean, cool,I know a famous Author!

When someone gives me a treat to teh-beng or milo-beng, God's working overtime.

When someone offers to share food with me cos i'm broke and hungry, God's working overtime.

When someone gives me a pat on the shoulder, God's working overtime.

When I have someone to eat dinner with me, or go for sunday afternoon teh break with me, He's working overtime.

When He gives me just enough money for the month,to pay what i need to with allowance for indulgences like Sakae and movies, I know for sure He's working overtime.

When I make it to sch on time for sch, He's working overtime..

And you realise one thing? In these 'happenings', if it involves ppl, more than half the time they don't even realise how grateful I am, yes yes... cos I'm heartless, unfeeling, and always ALWAYS wearing a black long face right? But it just amazes me that they dunno how much exactly they've made me feel so high.. and that's becos God is working overtime.

When someone thanks me and says. " You msged me when i was feeling horrible, and it really cheered me up..", I know God worked overtime..

When i give someone a teh-beng treat, even tho im broke, I know God worked overtime..

When a short prayer for someone is answered, I know God worked overtime..

And i have so much more things i've been through where i know God has been working overtime, but the thing is, have i been grateful and thankful?

I pray i will be.

That when everything goes well, I will be thankful and i will know God is working overtime. That when everything goes awry, I will be thankful and i will know God is working overtime to get soemthing done. That when nothing happens at all, i will be thankful and know that God is working overtime to make something happen.

That God is working overtime, all the time. Becuase He loves you so much. More than you can imagine.

The Free-entry Entry.

Yea, the time is now 3.13am. I have sch tmr. Even tho its the holidays, till 5. From 8.3o to 5. Sighz.. sch stinks. Big time.

Anyways, was doing my project work minutes, and well, let's just say i ain't no good secretary, that's why i'm having quite abit of trouble. Due tmr somemore. Trying to bargain for thur. Yah, so i decided to stop. And decided that I have a blog. And decided that i haven't blogged freely in awhile. Freely as in, just blogging whatever silly things, like.. haha, there's a vanilla coke bottle on my table now, with lemonade in it. Or that I'm wearing the 'Potter's Hand' camp shirt, and its really tight and small.

Ya, I've been thinking lots recently. Maybe because I've got so much to do, whenever you just stop for awhile, alot of things come to you. Ya.. Looked back on this past bout what, 13 months? And realised God has been gracious and I have been straying.

You know, encounter is coming. I went for the march one last year. Even tho i had horrible sleep and was so resistant to it at first, God used it to turn my life upside down. Crazy. Nuts. To something that when i look at it, i dare not believe. Literally like being given a new life, a new identity and living it.

Of cos I've fell, and at times i went back to that old life. Possibly even now. And sometimes, I feel so sad and crappy. Because the same things that i begged God to take away from me, I have taken it back. Knowingly, unknowingly. Doesn't matter. Cos the thing is I did.

One thing i'm really scared of, is that my past and old life will chase after me. The scary things, the hurting things that have hurt me so. I'm afraid they will catch up with me. And I'm afraid they will steal my present. The people and relationships i have come to develop on the past 13 months. The freedom i have. The joy that i have.

But truth be told, it seems to be coming back me. And I'm so afraid. So afraid. Cos its starting to rob me of some things. My sanity maybe? Heh, joke. And its not that my old life was entirely bad. Some parts of it was and is good. But just that right now, they don't fit in.

Listening to an awesome song.

The mistakes I’ve made
That caused pain
I could’ve done without
All my selfish thoughts
All my pride
The things I hide
You have forgot about

They’re all behind you
They’ll never find you
They’re on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They’re on the bottom
Of the ocean floor

My misdeeds
All my greed
All the things that haunt me now
They’re not a pretty sight to see
But they’re wiped away
By a mighty, mighty wave
A mighty, mighty wave

Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor

Take them away
To return no more
Take them away
To the ocean floor
To the ocean floor
To the ocean floor

-- Audio A. Ocean Floor.

I was talking to God just now. Just like, reviewing my past 13 months, and the years before that. From 99'. And i was saying, like, if my old life walked back in. I would prefer my new life. Sure, my old life had things that i loved and was good. And God would have been happy for me too. But this new life, has so much more things that i love so much more. The freedom.. etc. And God would definitely be more happy for me in my new life. Becos He handpicked these stuff and gave them to me. I'm holding on to them man. They're so much better.

Okay. Alot more to say. Wait till i stay up late again then i will get into the mood of saying. Nite.. at 3.44. hahah..