The One with the deaf guy.

You know what? I've been blogging and blogging recently! Holidays i tink.. gets you all into the retrospective, introspective, extrospective, manyspective mood. Of cos, ronan keating helps alot. Haha, joking la. I mean, things like hanging out, being quiet. Being irritating. having services. Did you guys know, you can just click on the blogger bar, the icon that says "blogthis" and voila! Easy blogging.

K. Fighting the ZzZz monster. He's very smart, attack my eyelids first.

Anyways, on sat, i had dinner with the guys at BK after edge. So this deaf dude comes over, and he places this small collarpin kinda thing ard, with a slip of paper that explains everything. You know wad, i didn't buy it from him. I mean, i wanted to. Honest. But somehow, i just kept thinking of how i'm gonna live this month. OH no money for food. OH no money for this crap and that nonsense. Then I wondered if i could just like tell him, i dun want the thing, but i'll give you 2 bucks. 2 bucks i can part with. but my friend says it would be insulting to the dude.

It got me thinking la. I mean, i gotta admit. I'm not some really really good noble guy. I'm far from that. And that's not being modest. I mean, i've been thinking about it the past few days before sat - how do i judge whether to help someone? Do i fear to help someone becos he looks weird, or do i fear to help someone becos i fear my own lack. The deaf dude, we shall call Mr Dude, wasn't weird-looking. He looked normal. Whether he was a quack or not i don't know. But it doesn't matter i realised. Like, I think i have no compassion.

Would i have shunned Jesus, when He was on the way to Golgotta, or however you spell it? To the hill of Calvary, when He's all scarred and bleeding? And meat's just hanging from His back, and head and face? Would i have hesitated to give him a drink. I really can't answer. I realised, in someway or another, i've fallen into my own world of self-pity. As if, ALL the world goes through bliss but me. Mr Dude's condition really shook me up from my state of rest and complacency. I mean, ppl struggle to live day-by-day. They put aside their own shame cos that's how desperate they are to live. Its so humbling to be telling others your weakness (his deafness), and expecting them to patronise you. To refuse pity as a form of love, but to seek and desire respect for who he is as a form of affirmation of his capabilities.

Sometimes, we live too long in our own worlds. Sometimes, perhaps we indulge our own selfpity, bitterness and hurt. Sometimes, perhaps, maybe, we think the world must conform to us. We forget we're no better or worst from anyone else living on this earth. Cos God's no respecter of persons.

I'm struggling. No kidding. It so difficult to forget, more difficult to forgive. Worst still, to love again. Everytime you resolute to forgive, the enxt tiem you see them, something else they does irritates you soooooo much. Its a constant thing - to forgive and love. I admit i need God. I admit i'm weak. I admit. I. AM. NOTHING.