The One about..........

I dun really have anyting to blog about today. Its jus that its 12 on the last day of the year, Its a lazy afternoon feeling, and I really want to blog.

Well, the previous post was super emo la, when i wrote it. Haha, just had accusations thrown at me by some pp when i was writing it. And you should know I hate to be accused. I cry when i get accused. Yes. I realised the other day that crying is not just when you are sad, or happy. I know this girl who cries only when she's angry. I'm similar (sort of remotely la) -- i cry when i'm frustrated, angry (with myself, or others, or situations), and when I'm accused. Of cos I cry too when i watch sad movies, like I am Sam (haha, inside jk)..

Actually I just cry whenever and where ever la.

The act of my crying aside, I'm an escapist. Someone once said that of me. When conflict comes my way, I run away from it. I'd rather run, than have conflict. I'm a Conflict-avoiding, Escapist. Capital E.

That's prob why I throw myself into tv, sometimes books(the sheer irony considering i hate reading), packing my room and doodling. Into my escapist desires to break free and soar far far far away. Simply just to be separated from reality. Falsely believing that perhaps a while spent away from Desmond's Reality, and in Desmond's Fantasy, that some unknown force might resolve a misunderstanding, or mend a broken heart.

Temporal Respite. But in the end, there's still a deep longing, and desire that can't be filled.

The only 'fantasy' that feeds the longing, is the fantasy-reality of Heaven. Of being back with Him. One day. Never being apart.

'Cause somewhere behind those stars
Is Someone who belongs to me
And I know in my deepest heart
There's a place for You until I find the place You made for me
-chris rice

People are drawn to love, and promises of love, and displays of love. Cos true love comes from God. And ppl are drawn to anything that puts a face, however remotely, to the Master of Love.

I wish You could stay
But I'll wait for the day
And though You've gone away
You come back and I'll....
Be Remembering You
-steven curtis chapman

The One For 2005, for Narnia, and Batman Toys.

Its that time of year again. The time where time seems to stand still-er. Time passes slower. Keating's back up on WMP, to add to that sense of retrospect.

I've just watched The Chronicles of Naria, which I've gotta say, I really love. I've read the books since young, and this particular book is the one I've read countless times over, cos I love it so much more compared to the others in the series.

Reading it since young, dreaming about it, and just getting lost in the fantasy and the magic and the warmth feeling of security, of bravery, of triumph over evil -- to have it all made into a movie, where descriptions in the book actually come to live... ITS JUST AN AWESOME FEELING.

I mean, compared to LOTR, which i really loved too, I tink Narnia LOSES. I wished it was longer, the battle scenes weren't much to compare with those in LOTR. But I love it still, prob more, cos its closer to my life, to my heart, to the deep childhood recesses of my mind.

Its like, this book , The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, is prob one of the things my childhood revolved around man. Other things include my batman toys... Can't really rmb really anything else from my childhood, as distinctively as these two things.

As I watched the show, one thought came to mind. I'm growing old. Soon I'm gonna be over 20 already.

In this year alone, 2 things that were a very big part of my childhood were brought to life, so to speak. Yes Narnia is one. Another is just something on my heart since young, and now there's an open door. Semi-open.

When something that you've been wishing for, for years LITERALLY, comes and meets you in the present, or near future, that sense of growth hits you really hard.

What has impacted me about this year? I've realised that my wings are spreading abit farther. My heart is rushing beyond the thresholds of what I've been taught since young is safe. I'm doubting alot alot what I've been taught is safe now. I realised I'm growing older. And I realised that God is the only who can truly say, I LOVE YOU.

I wish i had a place like Narnia, to run to. An elder brother like Peter, who wld protect me. A little sister like Lucy, to protect.

I wish to be with Him right now. I miss You SO STINKING MUCH. I MISS YOU I MISS YOU. DAD. BROTHER. FRIEND.

I MISS YOU.

The One About Chinese, Stage, and Christmas.

Well, before i go any further, i just wanna give GOD ALL THE GLORY, for what He has done in the production. I wanna say its thanks to HIM, and HIM ALONE, i could have gone up there and sang.

Haha, when i first heard they wanted me to sing in mandarin, i was totally GONE. Like seriously? Asking Desmond to sing in mandarin is like, asking a dog to purr. Plus add that to my stage fright, which many ppl know i have. True, I was sooo excited, cos i did made passing comments to God that I would really love to sing. But i didn't think i would actually have the chance to, let alone in mandarin.

So i was so panicky. And I'm so thankful to God, for Sis Rina Tan, the sister who gave me practical pointers and revealed so much beyond the technicalities, for Pam, who really calmed me and tried everything to help me, to Judith and Eric Cheng who were like, so patiently playing the piano and teaching me my part, and of cos Xiao Yan Zi, the chinese PLP student who sang with me. And of cos ppl like sharon, jason oon, col, esther f, hayley who really encouraged me. THANK YOU.

And TO GOD. I just kept praying before the show ALL FOR YOU. ALL FOR YOU. And when i went up on stage, my hands were terribling.YET I had a calm around me i know i could never have gotten just like that, considering my stage fright. And i just felt God's presence on that stage. SO strong, it took over. So here, while i gotta admit sometimes i wld love to take some of the glory, i've gotta say, IT WAS ALL FOR HIM. and it was all, HIM.

I tink the production was a sucess.. God really showed the reality of His Love today, through the simple cruxicifiction video. To tink i was criticising that the song played with it was too rock-ish and unfit for the images. But His ways? Higher than ours.

Anyways, everyone did a really good job. I'm proud of everyone, the Video Crew, the Sound, Lighting and Props, the make-up, the worship team, the actors. KUDOS.

This year's christmas turned out to be a great one. Thank God for frens like John, Joel, Col, Esther, Angel, Joy, Gabriel, RINA!, Qiuxia and many many many many others who spent the day with me.. thank you.

And once more, thankyou God. Happy Birthday. =) You're really old, in human years, now. haha..

BLESSED CHRISTMAS!!!!

The One about Christmas Cheer.

CHRISTMAS IS MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY OF ALLL!!!!!

And, its not just the presents, which are getting lesser as I grow up. I've blogged before about my christmas presents from my aunt. So this year no more. haha..

But its also the mood of Christmas altogether. The Christmas productions every year at church. The cartoons on TV. They showed Justice League on TV today, about Christmas, and it was so nice. No real threat or fighting. Villian helping Hero to give the children in the orphanage a nice Christmas.

Love. Joy. Wars (don't) ever start.

Of cos I know the real world is not like that. It can't be. That's just one big lie. (heh.) Even now, somehow, there's so much spoiling my Christmas Cheer. But there's something about Christmas that makes it seem almost Fantastical.

That makes me wonder if I wished, prayed, hard enough, something will happen. Something I want.

Maybe its the Love of the season that I'm searching for. Maybe that's why so many ppl love Christ-mas.

There's this song, on Col's blog.. its just so nice.. Its gonna be in the christmas production sung by 2 singers who i have deep respect for. And not just for their singing talent. Its called Grown-up Christmas List.

I tink it is in essence, A Grown-up, so desperate, that He/She falls back on childhood fantasies and stories, to try and deal with the Adult Things in Adult Life.

Adult-things, in Adult-Life. Maybe love (small 'l') doesn't apply to non-children. Thankfully, Love (Big 'L') does.

Blessed Christmas everyone!
Btw, batman and wonderwoman weren't in the episode. GL and Hawkgirl sent the day together. Clark Kent brought Jon Jonzz home, since he has no family left. Flash went to the orphanage. Batman just volunteered to stay at the watch tower i tink. Didn't even see him or Wonderwoman. :( haha..

maybe.

maybe there was a mistake.
the wrong one stayed.
the right one went up.

maybe there was a mistake.
You made a defect.
A toy robot with a hole.

in his heart.

maybe there was a mistake.
maybe this is one whole big mistake.

cos its thinning.
receding. desperate. and tired.
so tired.

maybe, You could fix the mistake.

The One About (Bad) Public Transport.

OH. How i hate travelling. I hate packing my bag for camps and stuff.
But its just not international travelling.

Travelling in the SUNNY ISLAND OF SINGAPORE, where everyone is nice and friendly. Polite. Where everyone says please, shows courtesy (thanks to Courtesy Campaigns). Where everywhere is clean and green. When the streets are plastered with smiles...

... my foot.

Ok, i know i've ranted about bad public transport rides before. But today was the ultimum man. SERIOUSLY. Today i woke up late, so i wanted to catch a cab. K. I went out of the house at 10.25. Cos i was dilly-dallying la. Then I got to the place where i usually wait. I was the first in the queue of ppl waiting along the roadside. But i waited for almost an hour but no cab. Well, throughout that one hour, 2 parties tried to cut my queue. Just like less than 10 steps away from me.

First it was this girl, i didn't say anything. Then as i waited longer, and longer, i started to get abit upset la. Cos i'm waiting so long and you just cut. So i prayed and ask God not to give her a cab. BAD. I know. haha.. but she crossed over la. then i actually said out loud. HA HA. Then the moment i said that, this family came in front of me. I was like. Ok God. I get it. No more being mean.

Anyways, i got on a cab after.. had to go somewhere else.

Then coming back from church, i got of the train. Before anyone could get off the train, this, can't rmb woman or man, grabbed my arm, and pushed me out, and pushed herself in. I was likeeeee.. OH KAY. I've met bad passengers who don't wait till we alight to get in, but grabbing my arm is a first man.

The bus ride home was bad too la. You know how sometimes at the interchange, some ppl dun line up but wait at the side, and get on when all the commuters in the real queue get up? Well, apparently, the ppl at this interchange don't wait till you all get up the bus. The just push up after awhile. yes. push. literally.

I hate travelling.
Haha, plus the money involved. haha

The One Where They are Gone.

Ok.. the most of the region is gone. I'm sure they are having a time of their lives.. So here i am, eating mee goreng, for the second day in a row.

Its kinda funny to realise they aren't ard. Joel and I went to eat prata, last night at bout like 1 at my house. And he was telling me about some plans on sunday. So i thot, ok, and i wanted to ask him if some of the others knew. Then i realised. "Some of the others" are ALL in timor. Haha..

But thankfully, there are some Survivors of the Timor Snatch, in that sense. Jonathan, matthew and gang are still ard.. Thank God qiuxia was there at prayer.. yeap. Can't wait for sat and sun. Time is just passing by so fast!

Oh well. short entry today. I have nothing much to say.. :]

The One Where D. Looks Back at His Draft Entries.

I have a few entries that i've typed previously.. that i've saved as draft. Simply becos i dunno how to complete them and cos i dun wanna turn this blog into some pity party, where i hang banners and streamers laced with self-pity.

I just read them awhile ago.. and i decided i'd let in abit on what i wrote.. haha, cos i thot long about them!!

Here's one.
a.)I realised something, God using you doesn't mean you're awesome, better. God speaking to you doesn't mean you're good. God sees beyond good, and bad. He just sees your, could be-s.

I was just thinking yesterday as i was having my hair cut, that barbers and hairdressers are ppl who see you for who you are now, and yet they also see your potential, your could be-s as I've more appopriately called it above.

Seriously, plastic surgeons, hairdressers, have it in their scope to daily see their customers potential. Construction workers, engineers, and many other professions built on What Is Not, to create What Is, from what they Envision.

In the bible it says, "Without vision, His people die."

How true. If we cannot envision, and cannot see the potential in ppl, or in ourselves for that matter.. we cannot live life. We can live... but not live life. Cos we'll always be focussed on incidents that hurt us, or something, from the past, or the present.

I guess that's how God gives us second chances, or 287437981738848th chances(for me). Cos He sees what i Could Be. I'd be dead over a gazeellion gazeellions times if He saw ONLY my present, or past. And I say Only Cos, He recognises our mistakes, as should we.

But we've gotta realise too, it goes beyond our mistakes. It reaches God's Blueprint of our lives. His building us from What Is Not, to become What Could Be. It reaches our Potential.

I'm thankful that My Superhero of Gazeellion Chances sees me, and the potential I could be. Really. I'd be no where if He didn't. He's amazing.

The One With All The Minor Injuries.

this. is. disgusting.

A week before camp, i told colleen when she had a blister, that i hadn't had a blister for a really long time. 2 weeks later, my feet's covered with blisters everywhere. and i got a cut on my hand, from crawling under the pool table, and pulling out some hot pink ribbon.

Not to mention the peice of glass i stepped onto, and took out 2 days later.

My eye was swollen real bad the 2 days following the camp, and its still abit swollen now.

Just this morning, as i was brushing my teeth, i dunno why, but i started brushing so quickly and hard as if it was the cure for cancer. And conveniently hit my gum with my toothbrush, giving me an ulcer that is starting to develop already.

And my thumb decided this morning, it was gonna smooch my room door. LEAVING ME WITH A thumb that's bleeding from inside the nail.

And my poor heart, head, and mind is suffering a severe beating from themselves. Wait. the heart beats always anyways. Haha. but i just realised i'm so disgusted with the way I, and i say MYSELF FIRST, and all other humans are so quick to judge.

We're so quick to judge pp's intentions, good or bad. So quick to judge pp based on CRAP, or rumours, or our own myopic brushes with them. Its like, one hole spoils the entire canvas. And i'm speakin for myself too! I'm so bitter, i'm like a bittergod. haha, bittergourd. But, i let one incident alone map out my perception of ppl. I wanna change man.

In camp, there was this session about making the right decisions. One simple but important that was brought up, and i will leave with you...

What would Jesus have done?