Simple and true, your angst is just the amount of any normal person. What's more, you exercise an extremely honest and healthy way of dealing with it. Many people could use maturity and wisdom like yours. Your angst may be that you don't get along with your boss or a family member is having health problems, but either way it's always something transient and survivable that you cope with and use as a step on your way to becoming a better person. If there's one problem with your angsting, it's that you may tend to take this matter-of-fact, dutiful approach to all things. Maybe you should cut loose a little now and then so you can have some wild fun and adventure to balance out your angst. Remember that life needs its up as well as its downs and treat yourself to a little reward for your work.
More tests!!
Friday, 22 October 2004
The one with a whole lot of stuff to say.
OK, yea, this week has been a not so good week. Uncle henry's passed on. And I haven't been to the wake, cos i'm scared somehow. I dunno how to react and stuff, but yea, somehow, i'm also happy for him. At least now he's in a place where no tears, pain, heartache, sorrow, and all bad stuff can exist. And he's with Daddy. Uncle henry and aunty soo are like family to me, cos my parents are so close to them and all. So yea.
Mr Sam's gone too, someone that i really respect. I wouldn't say admire, cos that somehow makes it seem he's a person that is not so easily approachable. He's unwaveredly, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the best teacher i ever had. Cliche phrase i know. But really, the 2nd best comes no where near him. He was sooo approahcable, caring in a subtle way, somehow managed to get me to talk to him heart-to-heart.. as in.. like.. very briefly, but no teacher has ever been able to do that before. I mean, i could tell him about how i felt towards life, and he told me how he felt towards life too.. He thot it sucked. (i disagreed.) I mean, i dunno how to describe, but he was so much like a friend to me. Like one of the single youths that i can clique with in church, like desmond? No, not me desmond. The other one. Guess both of them are soooooooooo arts-fact ppl. And sci students don't scold me, but i tink arts teachers, at least, are more in touch and hip.
I mean, this was a fren teacher. really fren. we cld go for movies if we actually found the time.. -rmb supersize me?- and well. he's just a teacher who's so much like a fren who you confide in, fren who you respect alot, and you are so at home with him. I could be just goofy and childish with him. And he'll play along sometimes, but nv making me lose respect for him.
I guess its becos he never liked being a teacher anyway. that's why he's so able to clique with us. like, he didn't like the sg system of education.. he sorta disagreed with it i guess. And yea, now he's gone to London.
Okay, fren and i were talking bout weddings. Here's abit of my part.. a rough idea. haha..
I want to get married in cowboy wear, complete with the hat and all, cos i've always like cowboy movies and shows since young. Something that rubbed off from my dad.. And then i wanna get married in the country side or something, maybe the farm? BIG BIG BIG wide open space with lots of greens.. and then when i finally get to kiss the bride, i will get on my white horse, and swing my bride up, in her gown and all. The gown can't be too flowy la, gotta end at her feet or it will be caught in the hooves or something. But, yea, then we'll ride away to some nearby waterfall as my guests slowly make their way there. That's where the tea reception takes place, and me and my wife will just enjoy the waterfall and the peaceful country atmosphere of the whole thing. haha.. if i had the money.............
yea. even guys do dream about perfect weddings. at least i do. haha..
Pls pray for aunty soo and family..
Mr Sam's gone too, someone that i really respect. I wouldn't say admire, cos that somehow makes it seem he's a person that is not so easily approachable. He's unwaveredly, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the best teacher i ever had. Cliche phrase i know. But really, the 2nd best comes no where near him. He was sooo approahcable, caring in a subtle way, somehow managed to get me to talk to him heart-to-heart.. as in.. like.. very briefly, but no teacher has ever been able to do that before. I mean, i could tell him about how i felt towards life, and he told me how he felt towards life too.. He thot it sucked. (i disagreed.) I mean, i dunno how to describe, but he was so much like a friend to me. Like one of the single youths that i can clique with in church, like desmond? No, not me desmond. The other one. Guess both of them are soooooooooo arts-fact ppl. And sci students don't scold me, but i tink arts teachers, at least, are more in touch and hip.
I mean, this was a fren teacher. really fren. we cld go for movies if we actually found the time.. -rmb supersize me?- and well. he's just a teacher who's so much like a fren who you confide in, fren who you respect alot, and you are so at home with him. I could be just goofy and childish with him. And he'll play along sometimes, but nv making me lose respect for him.
I guess its becos he never liked being a teacher anyway. that's why he's so able to clique with us. like, he didn't like the sg system of education.. he sorta disagreed with it i guess. And yea, now he's gone to London.
Okay, fren and i were talking bout weddings. Here's abit of my part.. a rough idea. haha..
I want to get married in cowboy wear, complete with the hat and all, cos i've always like cowboy movies and shows since young. Something that rubbed off from my dad.. And then i wanna get married in the country side or something, maybe the farm? BIG BIG BIG wide open space with lots of greens.. and then when i finally get to kiss the bride, i will get on my white horse, and swing my bride up, in her gown and all. The gown can't be too flowy la, gotta end at her feet or it will be caught in the hooves or something. But, yea, then we'll ride away to some nearby waterfall as my guests slowly make their way there. That's where the tea reception takes place, and me and my wife will just enjoy the waterfall and the peaceful country atmosphere of the whole thing. haha.. if i had the money.............
yea. even guys do dream about perfect weddings. at least i do. haha..
Pls pray for aunty soo and family..
Thursday, 14 October 2004
The one with the tests!
Your Existing Situation
Impulsive and irritable. His desires, and the actions involved, are paramount, with insufficient consideration being given to their consequences. This leads to, or arises from, stress and conflict.
Your Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but he feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which he needs. Unwilling to expose his vulnerability, he therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses him, but makes him irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.tress and conflict.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that he is receiving less than his share and that there is no one on whom he can rely for sympathy and understanding. Pent-up emotions and a certain egocentricity make him quick to take offense, but he realizes that he has to make the best of things as they are.
Feels that things stand in his way, that circumstances are forcing him to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.
Your Desired Objective
In despair and needs relief of some sort. Wants physical ease, a problem free security, and the chance to recover
Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. He feels misunderstood, disoriented, and unsettled. This drives him into a search for new conditions or relationships, in the hope that these might offer greater contentment and peace of mind.
Oh well, what can they tell from mere colours man??
Another one in line with the class kingdom!
Impulsive and irritable. His desires, and the actions involved, are paramount, with insufficient consideration being given to their consequences. This leads to, or arises from, stress and conflict.
Your Stress Sources
An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but he feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which he needs. Unwilling to expose his vulnerability, he therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses him, but makes him irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.tress and conflict.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that he is receiving less than his share and that there is no one on whom he can rely for sympathy and understanding. Pent-up emotions and a certain egocentricity make him quick to take offense, but he realizes that he has to make the best of things as they are.
Feels that things stand in his way, that circumstances are forcing him to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.
Your Desired Objective
In despair and needs relief of some sort. Wants physical ease, a problem free security, and the chance to recover
Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. He feels misunderstood, disoriented, and unsettled. This drives him into a search for new conditions or relationships, in the hope that these might offer greater contentment and peace of mind.
Oh well, what can they tell from mere colours man??
Another one in line with the class kingdom!
The Kingdomality Test click title.
Your distinct personality, The Shepherd is to tend to your human flock. You understand the needs of those for whom you are responsible. Shepherds are vigilant and reliable. You realize your obligation and commitment to the well being of those entrusted to your care. Shepherds are very dependable. You engender a feeling of comfort and stability to those within your charge. On the positive side, Shepherds can be empathic, caring, understanding, practical and realistic. On the negative side, you may be manipulative, close-minded and sentimentally rigid. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.
Wednesday, 13 October 2004
The one where I know I've been sleeping in too late..
Ok, I have not been in sch for the past 3 days, and yes. I can already hear one -woosh- ....... rotten egg flying.. i mean, flown past me. I can still hear.. mjaudmauueaomuead..... murmuring. Ok ok.. Shhh. You're hear to listen to me ya know?? haha, that's why you're in my blog. Haha, if not, hit the back button, or one of the links. I personally like the burgerking one. hahaha..
Yesyes, i know ppl are not exactly happy that i've not been in sch while they have, so faithfully too. John's like grinning and shaking his head.. I know. QH's just about getting ready to give me a tag to scold me bout that. Colleen's like "today pon arh!!". Only person i can figure that would be laughing with me is Grace, cos she skipped abit too. haha..
Haha, anyways, i said i know i've been sleeping in too late becos, Qh and ppl sneaked out of sch today! (see.. not exactly guai also la.. they went to sch but sneaked out. haha) And called me to go watch movie. But becos i woke up late.. i.. oh well. Miss watching a movie. I've been really wanting to watch a movie since my last, The Passion of the Christ, and before that, Troy. I even wrote about the Passion in my blog!
Yah, so i cldn't. And tmr i've gotta go back to sch. Which i really really hate. I mean, not becos of the classmates. Not the teachers..... Oh kay. Not ALL the teachers. Just doesn't feel nice to keep travelling and keeping so quiet in class and all. Ok. Not the quiet. And.. this particular teacher's lesson. Can't say who. Will just say the teacher likes to bribe us with sweets. Haha, maybe i'm being mean but.. argh.. haha.
so... i'm probably gonna spend today playing gunbound. haha. ADD ME ADD ME ADD ME!!! haha, you know. i just gotta tell someone this cos i dun think i can keep it in anymore. Both survival project and gunbound have HORRIBLE grammar (is that how you spell? Really stupid if i critic them on their english with bad english. haha..) and really really bad sentence structure. I dun get it sometimes. haha.
Ok.. i'm gunbound bound! haha, get it, home bound, gunbound bound? haha.. man. i'm good. haha..
Yesyes, i know ppl are not exactly happy that i've not been in sch while they have, so faithfully too. John's like grinning and shaking his head.. I know. QH's just about getting ready to give me a tag to scold me bout that. Colleen's like "today pon arh!!". Only person i can figure that would be laughing with me is Grace, cos she skipped abit too. haha..
Haha, anyways, i said i know i've been sleeping in too late becos, Qh and ppl sneaked out of sch today! (see.. not exactly guai also la.. they went to sch but sneaked out. haha) And called me to go watch movie. But becos i woke up late.. i.. oh well. Miss watching a movie. I've been really wanting to watch a movie since my last, The Passion of the Christ, and before that, Troy. I even wrote about the Passion in my blog!
Yah, so i cldn't. And tmr i've gotta go back to sch. Which i really really hate. I mean, not becos of the classmates. Not the teachers..... Oh kay. Not ALL the teachers. Just doesn't feel nice to keep travelling and keeping so quiet in class and all. Ok. Not the quiet. And.. this particular teacher's lesson. Can't say who. Will just say the teacher likes to bribe us with sweets. Haha, maybe i'm being mean but.. argh.. haha.
so... i'm probably gonna spend today playing gunbound. haha. ADD ME ADD ME ADD ME!!! haha, you know. i just gotta tell someone this cos i dun think i can keep it in anymore. Both survival project and gunbound have HORRIBLE grammar (is that how you spell? Really stupid if i critic them on their english with bad english. haha..) and really really bad sentence structure. I dun get it sometimes. haha.
Ok.. i'm gunbound bound! haha, get it, home bound, gunbound bound? haha.. man. i'm good. haha..
Tuesday, 12 October 2004
The one where I get my title bar to type my title in.
Ok, I sorta never knew that I had this title bar thing, so all this while i kept bolding and underlining my titles manually by typing the codes.
Anyways, a short one today. haha, Yah, just realised on sunday, that any one thing we do actually affects another. Heard somethings la, haha, not eves dropping. Anyways, the person was telling me stuff, and i realised that something another leader had said the previous day really had an effect on that person, and in return the person reacted to other friends in some manner. Of cos they probably reacted to their frens in some manner affected by the first friend i was talking to.
Yah, point being, everything we do and say, tho we may think we're big and yaya papaya, or anything at all, has an effect over people. Really speaks of the power of the tongue thing. We can choose to speak life and let life be effected over many many many ppl, (cos its a domino effect), or crush others. I think la, its not just the content that can crush. Its the tone too. No one, no matter how good they think they are, has never hurt anyone before. I'm guilty of it. Many times over, guilty. That leader too.
That's important, cos it shows us how none of us are free from that, unless we never ever speak, altho that prob affect someone else too. But yah, we're all sinners yah? Haha.. sinful sinful sinful. haha..
I so want my speech to be one graced with love, seasoned with righteousness (is that right? ok, i'm an E-lit student who can't spell.) and one that brings life! Cos its fun to see ppl happy and joyful, than stressed and upset, cos firstly, i wound't know how to console them, and 2nd, i wld just like appear really stupid in front of them la, just nodding and saying, "aiyah relax" in a way that wouldn't even convince myself. haha.. God deserves so much more than what i'm giving Him now man..
Ok. Anyways, i re-downloaded survival project, and i downloaded gb. haha.. anyone else plays? add me as buddy! and teach me how to play. haha.. "snowborne" is my username. add me add me! haha..
Okk.. Nite world. haha..
Anyways, a short one today. haha, Yah, just realised on sunday, that any one thing we do actually affects another. Heard somethings la, haha, not eves dropping. Anyways, the person was telling me stuff, and i realised that something another leader had said the previous day really had an effect on that person, and in return the person reacted to other friends in some manner. Of cos they probably reacted to their frens in some manner affected by the first friend i was talking to.
Yah, point being, everything we do and say, tho we may think we're big and yaya papaya, or anything at all, has an effect over people. Really speaks of the power of the tongue thing. We can choose to speak life and let life be effected over many many many ppl, (cos its a domino effect), or crush others. I think la, its not just the content that can crush. Its the tone too. No one, no matter how good they think they are, has never hurt anyone before. I'm guilty of it. Many times over, guilty. That leader too.
That's important, cos it shows us how none of us are free from that, unless we never ever speak, altho that prob affect someone else too. But yah, we're all sinners yah? Haha.. sinful sinful sinful. haha..
I so want my speech to be one graced with love, seasoned with righteousness (is that right? ok, i'm an E-lit student who can't spell.) and one that brings life! Cos its fun to see ppl happy and joyful, than stressed and upset, cos firstly, i wound't know how to console them, and 2nd, i wld just like appear really stupid in front of them la, just nodding and saying, "aiyah relax" in a way that wouldn't even convince myself. haha.. God deserves so much more than what i'm giving Him now man..
Ok. Anyways, i re-downloaded survival project, and i downloaded gb. haha.. anyone else plays? add me as buddy! and teach me how to play. haha.. "snowborne" is my username. add me add me! haha..
Okk.. Nite world. haha..
Friday, 8 October 2004
The OVER entry.
Oh YAY oh YAY... Promos are over. Haha, all thanks to God and people who rmbed me in prayer. Kudos to you guys!
Oh and ya. Chicken wins 9 to Egg 2 and together 1. Haha... oh well. Whoever came first so doesn't matter. After all they grow up to be the same. Some people never realise that.
--- Tinted Glass ---
poised before tinted glass
only beauty and perfection gather.
one step. one step. one step.
Oh. what vulgurity before me!
one step. one step. one step.
there, so much better.
heyhey, come.
Tinted glass.
Tainted fabric.
Masterpeice.
Each masterpeices.
Yet they only see tinted glass.
Choose beauty, but deny it.
Discard monstrousity, but regard it.
They see only tinted glass.
merry dancing
all's okay!
afterall, they only see tinted glass.
afterall, vulgarity is one step
one step
one step away.
-desmond.
Oh YAY oh YAY... Promos are over. Haha, all thanks to God and people who rmbed me in prayer. Kudos to you guys!
Oh and ya. Chicken wins 9 to Egg 2 and together 1. Haha... oh well. Whoever came first so doesn't matter. After all they grow up to be the same. Some people never realise that.
--- Tinted Glass ---
poised before tinted glass
only beauty and perfection gather.
one step. one step. one step.
Oh. what vulgurity before me!
one step. one step. one step.
there, so much better.
heyhey, come.
Tinted glass.
Tainted fabric.
Masterpeice.
Each masterpeices.
Yet they only see tinted glass.
Choose beauty, but deny it.
Discard monstrousity, but regard it.
They see only tinted glass.
merry dancing
all's okay!
afterall, they only see tinted glass.
afterall, vulgarity is one step
one step
one step away.
-desmond.
Thursday, 7 October 2004
The One Year Old Entry.
I'm ONE! At least my blog is. Hahah, this blog has been thru my ups and downs. Haha, you know why? Because its on teh net, can't be gone unless blogger crashes. Haha, Yup.
Ok. Haha, I just revamped the place. I like it! haha, yea.
Anyways, yah. Haha, you know what? Haha, i do love my class. Sure some of them don't always talk sense, but hey! who always makes sense? haha, i've come to bond with them, bonding still with some. In the end, our horrid timetable gave us so much time to be with each other, we ended up being such good frens. Yea, though there are cliques and all. But somehow, at the moment we have fun, we really all have fun. Love my class. And no, i'm not saying this just becos they have my blog add now. haha,i do mean it. Haha, awesome classmates that i do wanna win to Christ. Help me dear Lord. God made it work out.. haha. He always does.
Ok. Haha, i've got a flooble board!! or tag board. or something!! YAY! TAG!! You're it!! haha..
I'm ONE! At least my blog is. Hahah, this blog has been thru my ups and downs. Haha, you know why? Because its on teh net, can't be gone unless blogger crashes. Haha, Yup.
Ok. Haha, I just revamped the place. I like it! haha, yea.
Anyways, yah. Haha, you know what? Haha, i do love my class. Sure some of them don't always talk sense, but hey! who always makes sense? haha, i've come to bond with them, bonding still with some. In the end, our horrid timetable gave us so much time to be with each other, we ended up being such good frens. Yea, though there are cliques and all. But somehow, at the moment we have fun, we really all have fun. Love my class. And no, i'm not saying this just becos they have my blog add now. haha,i do mean it. Haha, awesome classmates that i do wanna win to Christ. Help me dear Lord. God made it work out.. haha. He always does.
Ok. Haha, i've got a flooble board!! or tag board. or something!! YAY! TAG!! You're it!! haha..
Saturday, 2 October 2004
The title-less entry (PtII)
Haha, dieow-ness. Haha, i was reading my prev entry and realised it was contridictory!! haha, as in.. haha.. oh well. haha.. But yah. I'm afraid man. It really doesn't seem like i know.. but i am. But then, i try and make myself calmn cos panicking isn't really gona help.
haha.. oh wel oh well. anyways. haha, dunno. i wanna go do something stupid.. like.. haha. Play soccer? haha, cos i don't play soccer ever. Or.... i dunno. haha.. okok. got to go.... some ppl nv reply msges. Msges that asked them a qns. Those ppl? SICKENING. haha.. honest! throw your phone away man! Its a qns.. not a comment you know? A real qns that requires an ans.. not like some no-need-ans-qns.
ARgh. haha. nvm. i'm not that cheesed off.. got better things to do. haha..
Haha, dieow-ness. Haha, i was reading my prev entry and realised it was contridictory!! haha, as in.. haha.. oh well. haha.. But yah. I'm afraid man. It really doesn't seem like i know.. but i am. But then, i try and make myself calmn cos panicking isn't really gona help.
haha.. oh wel oh well. anyways. haha, dunno. i wanna go do something stupid.. like.. haha. Play soccer? haha, cos i don't play soccer ever. Or.... i dunno. haha.. okok. got to go.... some ppl nv reply msges. Msges that asked them a qns. Those ppl? SICKENING. haha.. honest! throw your phone away man! Its a qns.. not a comment you know? A real qns that requires an ans.. not like some no-need-ans-qns.
ARgh. haha. nvm. i'm not that cheesed off.. got better things to do. haha..
Thursday, 30 September 2004
The title-less entry.
I don't know what i'll blog today.In less than 10 hours, my first promos paper will start. I will be sitting at my seat, smiling, looking confident, pens out, pencil poised. But i'm trembling now. I'm hardly prepared. I've told my friends, no sweat, told them not to panick, just relax. But me, i'm unnerved.
Yah. I'm calm. Sure I am. Deep deep down there's a strange peace. A peace I know i don't deserve. Yet the moment i lift myself off that Peace, and look at where i'm standing, i tremble. I fear.
Haha, a song comes to mind now. I've just listened to another great one a dear sister sent.. I don't know how i'll do. But, somehow, i wanna let God decide for me. I realised one thing the past few days, that i love Him. But how much i don't know. Thankfully, i know how much He loves me.
He was there, He was there
During history's darkest hour
He was there, He was there always
He was the Victor and the King
He was the power in David's swing
He was the calm in Abraham
He is the God who understands
He is the strength when we have none
He is the living, Holy one
He was, He is and He will always be
the Risen Lamb of God
-- Avalon, You were there [Adapted.. haha]
I don't know what i'll blog today.In less than 10 hours, my first promos paper will start. I will be sitting at my seat, smiling, looking confident, pens out, pencil poised. But i'm trembling now. I'm hardly prepared. I've told my friends, no sweat, told them not to panick, just relax. But me, i'm unnerved.
Yah. I'm calm. Sure I am. Deep deep down there's a strange peace. A peace I know i don't deserve. Yet the moment i lift myself off that Peace, and look at where i'm standing, i tremble. I fear.
Haha, a song comes to mind now. I've just listened to another great one a dear sister sent.. I don't know how i'll do. But, somehow, i wanna let God decide for me. I realised one thing the past few days, that i love Him. But how much i don't know. Thankfully, i know how much He loves me.
He was there, He was there
During history's darkest hour
He was there, He was there always
He was the Victor and the King
He was the power in David's swing
He was the calm in Abraham
He is the God who understands
He is the strength when we have none
He is the living, Holy one
He was, He is and He will always be
the Risen Lamb of God
-- Avalon, You were there [Adapted.. haha]
Saturday, 11 September 2004
The Inflatable Ride Entry.
Today we had the carnival thing at our region. I was supposed to help with the SMS game thing, but before it started at 2.30 (it never did btw, cos no one signed up), i helped out abit with the inflatable ride. $1.00 for 3 mins.
I would be really screwed should i say, i didn't really time the kids and let some play for 5 to 7 mins, and someone tells on me. But something happened today that just blessed my heart so much. So much. And made me so ashamed.
I was manning the ride when this rough looking guy with his young kid came over. Kid couldn't have been more than 1 or 2 years old came over and stood in front of the ride. Argh... He asked the other guy manning the ride with me where to get coupons. At that moment i freaked out abit. I was worried he would cos trouble and i wouldn't be able to handle it. Like maybe make sure his kid got only the best and that he would get a good deal. I was so afraid.
Then his wife came over and passed my partner $1 and the guy let his kid on the ride. The kid wouldn't play; he was too young. And then i realised his wife had a speech disability of sorts, maybe even dumb. And my heart broke. My own fears, my own judgemental crap, my pride made me misjudge such a awesome and mild-mannered couple.
He told his wife the kid wouldn't play, and the wife had a sorta stressed look, and gestured that she already paid a few seconds ago. And he just turned back to the child, not out of irritation or disrespect, and tried to hoax the child into playing. They looked like the were about ot leave, and would have wasted $1, which i guess would mean alot to them. And i took out my own set of coupons, ready to refund them if they went off, not becos of my guilt, altho i was guilty, but becos their sweetness in spirit just blessed me so much.
I thought to myself, why would the guy even marry his handicapped wife? I mean, he wasn't handicapped, rough looking, but somehow good-looking also. Why marry a woman like her? I dunno the reason. Whatever it was, God had good plans. I dunno if they are Christians, or part of our church. But they blessed me so much that they get an entry dedicated to them.
I cannot forget their faces. The couple. Maybe no one else would think that what they did was very noble or sweet-natured. But to me it was. The mildness in their response towards each other, and how they just meant to walk away quietly w/o scolding the kid or asking us for a refund. WOW.
And ya, one girl took the hand of their child, and she just played with him. Didn't know the family, just played with the kid. In the end, he did end up playing.
$1 well spent.
They blessed me so much with it.
Today we had the carnival thing at our region. I was supposed to help with the SMS game thing, but before it started at 2.30 (it never did btw, cos no one signed up), i helped out abit with the inflatable ride. $1.00 for 3 mins.
I would be really screwed should i say, i didn't really time the kids and let some play for 5 to 7 mins, and someone tells on me. But something happened today that just blessed my heart so much. So much. And made me so ashamed.
I was manning the ride when this rough looking guy with his young kid came over. Kid couldn't have been more than 1 or 2 years old came over and stood in front of the ride. Argh... He asked the other guy manning the ride with me where to get coupons. At that moment i freaked out abit. I was worried he would cos trouble and i wouldn't be able to handle it. Like maybe make sure his kid got only the best and that he would get a good deal. I was so afraid.
Then his wife came over and passed my partner $1 and the guy let his kid on the ride. The kid wouldn't play; he was too young. And then i realised his wife had a speech disability of sorts, maybe even dumb. And my heart broke. My own fears, my own judgemental crap, my pride made me misjudge such a awesome and mild-mannered couple.
He told his wife the kid wouldn't play, and the wife had a sorta stressed look, and gestured that she already paid a few seconds ago. And he just turned back to the child, not out of irritation or disrespect, and tried to hoax the child into playing. They looked like the were about ot leave, and would have wasted $1, which i guess would mean alot to them. And i took out my own set of coupons, ready to refund them if they went off, not becos of my guilt, altho i was guilty, but becos their sweetness in spirit just blessed me so much.
I thought to myself, why would the guy even marry his handicapped wife? I mean, he wasn't handicapped, rough looking, but somehow good-looking also. Why marry a woman like her? I dunno the reason. Whatever it was, God had good plans. I dunno if they are Christians, or part of our church. But they blessed me so much that they get an entry dedicated to them.
I cannot forget their faces. The couple. Maybe no one else would think that what they did was very noble or sweet-natured. But to me it was. The mildness in their response towards each other, and how they just meant to walk away quietly w/o scolding the kid or asking us for a refund. WOW.
And ya, one girl took the hand of their child, and she just played with him. Didn't know the family, just played with the kid. In the end, he did end up playing.
$1 well spent.
They blessed me so much with it.
Wednesday, 8 September 2004
Wednesday, 1 September 2004
The give and take away entry.
I watched abit of the Passion today. Just abit, cause i didn't dare to watch the entire thing. Today, Jesus' mother had me thinking. Mary.
I wondered why God put her through all that He did. I mean, get her really shocked and afraid when he sent Mr-Angel-of-good-news to her.. then made her feel so really proud and honnoured to be the vessel that was used to conceive the Son of God. THEN, took everything from her when He sent Jesus, her son, to die on the cross.
I mean, that feeling of having everything then having nothing is worser than having nothing to begin with.
God sometimes is very weird. But guess that's what makes Him God.
I watched abit of the Passion today. Just abit, cause i didn't dare to watch the entire thing. Today, Jesus' mother had me thinking. Mary.
I wondered why God put her through all that He did. I mean, get her really shocked and afraid when he sent Mr-Angel-of-good-news to her.. then made her feel so really proud and honnoured to be the vessel that was used to conceive the Son of God. THEN, took everything from her when He sent Jesus, her son, to die on the cross.
I mean, that feeling of having everything then having nothing is worser than having nothing to begin with.
God sometimes is very weird. But guess that's what makes Him God.
Sunday, 22 August 2004
The subject entry
I conversed with Jane the other day, and kept her in her seat with my repeated questions on how she handled French, art and music( these few i picked out only because i could not remember all the talents she's been credited with.) She hardly said anything, only smile back at me.
Her face was not one of vigour, not handsome by means of our standards at least, but her confidence was more than appealing. Only a young girl, yet Jane was bearer of strong values she had been taught while at her instituition where she studied previously. Not that alone; her ability to handle all her subjects left me bewildered and astonished. I couldn't handle my own few subjects!
But that mattered not. I had fallen in love with Jane.
In fact, I'm already at Chap 23 in 2 days. Okay.. in 2 days, i read from 12 to 23. Haha, yes. Maybe i'm still slow in your standards, but considering i took weeks to finish the first 12 chaps, I think i must have fallen in love with Jane. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.
I conversed with Jane the other day, and kept her in her seat with my repeated questions on how she handled French, art and music( these few i picked out only because i could not remember all the talents she's been credited with.) She hardly said anything, only smile back at me.
Her face was not one of vigour, not handsome by means of our standards at least, but her confidence was more than appealing. Only a young girl, yet Jane was bearer of strong values she had been taught while at her instituition where she studied previously. Not that alone; her ability to handle all her subjects left me bewildered and astonished. I couldn't handle my own few subjects!
But that mattered not. I had fallen in love with Jane.
In fact, I'm already at Chap 23 in 2 days. Okay.. in 2 days, i read from 12 to 23. Haha, yes. Maybe i'm still slow in your standards, but considering i took weeks to finish the first 12 chaps, I think i must have fallen in love with Jane. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.
Saturday, 31 July 2004
ACT ONE : CORP REHEARSAL - TAMPINESS
CHARACTER : DESMOND, NOTHING-TO-DO-BOY
My faithful first real day of helping out in our church combined production with the US crew. The production? Eternity. (forgve my lack of 'i's in the entire entry, if there is. The button on my keyboard is in a selective coma.) I got off school late that day, and Bro Selvam came to pick me up from sch to go Tampiness. When I reached that day, i went to the balcony and was minding my own business when this guy from the US team asked me to video him teaching the others how to do the lights. I did, only after stupidly exclaiming, "Huh? What? You want me to do it? What if i do it wrongly?"
Then we really did nothing for the whole time. The only thing i really did was like go and wait for Joel to find the right bus stop, which took 45 min and 17 min on my phone! Haha, yea.
(ACT ONE ENDS)
ACT TWO : SET UP/REHEARSAL AT CCK, FRI AND SAT)
CHARACTER : DESMOND, LABOURER -WHO-HAD-TONS-OF-FUN
Yep. On friday i was so sick in school i signed out before 2 and reached CCK around that time.I initially expected very few ppl to be there and that i could just sleep for awhile before rehearsal. But i saw a group of technical ppl, doing... technical stuff! I expected that i couldn't help much, but i did!! Jude taught me how to connect the wires and stuff, and I did them well, altho i took a much longer time than he expected. Then the cast came in after awhile, and we practised and practised. It was then when i realised that the guy who asked me to videotape him, was our director, Director Cody Williams.
Sat was equally fun. I left my house at bout 9.55, and cabbed down to CCK; it was raining like WOAH. Nonetheless i made it and we just practised from 10 till bout 10.30 at night. It wasn't as look as it seems. In fact time passed so quickly i didn't even realise that so many hours passed. Really fun, and like i think i said before, loved the family kinda feeling. Our cups with our names, walking around barefooted (OK! Only me....) And just like that, 12 hours passed.
Our first performance was the next day!
(ACT TWO ENDS)
ACT THREE : ACTUAL PERFORMANCE
CHARACTER : SPOTTER 2.
On sunday, we had practise for the chinese performance. It was totally hilarious. Then our first production. I think it went well. MANY MANY MANY got saved. And just like that, God brought back to me that desire to see the nations come to Him.
When i saw the many come to the front, something in me just leapt and i started smiling like mad. And just looking at their faces, seeing the joy of finding their Savior, just made me so glad. And i was thinking about how heaven was rejoicing... going wild and mad over the many who gave their lives to God. And i realised that i DO want to have this joy. That i DO wanna travel the globe just to be an instrument that brings the joy of heaven into the lives of the many ppl around the world. To know that God and the angels are going ka-bonkers over so many ppl being saved, from the fires of hell.
That night was such a tough night. But God was there. He found time for me, a saved kid. And i thank Him for His grace and mercy.
The following nights were good and i had a walkie thru-out. I went by the name SPOTTER 2, and Cody wld give instructions thru the walkie. Pretty cool huh? After sch each day, except wed. Reached about 5.30, then just hang around and go for slurpie or something. And every nite, even tho attendence didn't seem alot, the salvations were a rather big proportion of the audience. And just so wow-ed and amazed man.
I'll highlight the last night in particular. My spots were down, again, and i was so panicky. Thank God Matthew was there to help me. The first two scenes were sorta spoilt by me i guess. I mean, i thot when the handle dropped out on thurs, was bad enough. But who wld have realised the handle wld have spoilt on friday somemore!? I quickly reviewd what i did that was unpleasing to God that day itself, and thot maybe sa tan was using it to spoil the production... thru me. Anyways, it miraculously fixed itself. To think the whole walkie-world was just wondering what went wrong.
Ya, and i was pretty sad knowing that this was our last performance. Actually was habouring a secret thot that the whole crew, cast and technical and all could just follow Cody bringing the performance to thousands upon thousands to many ppl ard the world. Becos i love so much(ed) to bring glory to God, love so much to see such a crowd come to Christ and turn from their sins, and love so much that family feeling. So much so much. And ya, fun to do la.
(ACT THREE ENDS)
ACT FOUR : FOOD FUN TEARDOWN
CHARACTER : DESMOND, SPOTTER 2, REALLY-HAPPY-KID
Then they went for food. I went to, but went back down. Just sorta wanted to keep myself busy, maybe becos i was reluctant to let the production go.But just was tearing down abit, being busy. Took a peice of glow tape and pasted on my phone (ok sorry!!) And just taking down "heaven's" gold and white when Cody came down and the kids were following behind. That scene cannot be erased from my mind. That kind of scene like a dad playing with his kids.The whole family came down the stairs, after him and the kids. And it was just BEAUTIFUL. I could cry. So beautiful. ARGH!! God!! Anything to get it back. Yah, so i went toilet to wash hands, and just sat in the balcony with some adults as Cody was getting some crew and all cast on stage. Then they sent everyone who went to hell to heaven... I mean, was just so beautiful. Played a fool abit, like sent some back to hell, but everyoen went to heaven. Cheering ppl on to "go to heaven" and just going wild. I mean... Real Heaven must have been going as wild as us.
So beautiful.
We thanked all those involved and just went like WILD. MAD!!! It was SOOOOO BEAUTIFUL!! OH GOD!!! A FAMILY TO CALL OUR OWN!!!
Then we prayed as one big family on the stage giving thanks, rejoicing about the salvations which i think reached over 1000 in all regions. Really so family and heartwarming. Then tear down began and all, and just carrying out the stuff to the basement, folding rolling the gold and white... Joel and I stayed till bout 1.
You know what?
ACT THREE DOESN'T END..
I want our region to be so united and bonded. I mean, i think no other region experienced what we went thru last night. The joy and rejoicing and madness and wildness. That's something to call our own. A shared joy. A shared love. For God. For the nations. For each other.
I LOVE YOU GUYS, the TECH CREW, the CAST, the MAKE-UP, the USHERS, the ALTAR WORKERS, the T SHIRT PPL, the WHOLE REGION. I love you guys. Ok, Cody's counted too, altho you'll prob never read this. Think we've adopted you as part of the region. It was so beautiful. I loved the atmostphere. The madness.
God You're the best. Really. Diifucult times, but God You never left. You're still beside me. Holding my hand. I love You. Give me grace to love You more.
ACT THREE DOESN"T END!!!! YAY!!!!
CHARACTER : DESMOND, NOTHING-TO-DO-BOY
My faithful first real day of helping out in our church combined production with the US crew. The production? Eternity. (forgve my lack of 'i's in the entire entry, if there is. The button on my keyboard is in a selective coma.) I got off school late that day, and Bro Selvam came to pick me up from sch to go Tampiness. When I reached that day, i went to the balcony and was minding my own business when this guy from the US team asked me to video him teaching the others how to do the lights. I did, only after stupidly exclaiming, "Huh? What? You want me to do it? What if i do it wrongly?"
Then we really did nothing for the whole time. The only thing i really did was like go and wait for Joel to find the right bus stop, which took 45 min and 17 min on my phone! Haha, yea.
(ACT ONE ENDS)
ACT TWO : SET UP/REHEARSAL AT CCK, FRI AND SAT)
CHARACTER : DESMOND, LABOURER -WHO-HAD-TONS-OF-FUN
Yep. On friday i was so sick in school i signed out before 2 and reached CCK around that time.I initially expected very few ppl to be there and that i could just sleep for awhile before rehearsal. But i saw a group of technical ppl, doing... technical stuff! I expected that i couldn't help much, but i did!! Jude taught me how to connect the wires and stuff, and I did them well, altho i took a much longer time than he expected. Then the cast came in after awhile, and we practised and practised. It was then when i realised that the guy who asked me to videotape him, was our director, Director Cody Williams.
Sat was equally fun. I left my house at bout 9.55, and cabbed down to CCK; it was raining like WOAH. Nonetheless i made it and we just practised from 10 till bout 10.30 at night. It wasn't as look as it seems. In fact time passed so quickly i didn't even realise that so many hours passed. Really fun, and like i think i said before, loved the family kinda feeling. Our cups with our names, walking around barefooted (OK! Only me....) And just like that, 12 hours passed.
Our first performance was the next day!
(ACT TWO ENDS)
ACT THREE : ACTUAL PERFORMANCE
CHARACTER : SPOTTER 2.
On sunday, we had practise for the chinese performance. It was totally hilarious. Then our first production. I think it went well. MANY MANY MANY got saved. And just like that, God brought back to me that desire to see the nations come to Him.
When i saw the many come to the front, something in me just leapt and i started smiling like mad. And just looking at their faces, seeing the joy of finding their Savior, just made me so glad. And i was thinking about how heaven was rejoicing... going wild and mad over the many who gave their lives to God. And i realised that i DO want to have this joy. That i DO wanna travel the globe just to be an instrument that brings the joy of heaven into the lives of the many ppl around the world. To know that God and the angels are going ka-bonkers over so many ppl being saved, from the fires of hell.
That night was such a tough night. But God was there. He found time for me, a saved kid. And i thank Him for His grace and mercy.
The following nights were good and i had a walkie thru-out. I went by the name SPOTTER 2, and Cody wld give instructions thru the walkie. Pretty cool huh? After sch each day, except wed. Reached about 5.30, then just hang around and go for slurpie or something. And every nite, even tho attendence didn't seem alot, the salvations were a rather big proportion of the audience. And just so wow-ed and amazed man.
I'll highlight the last night in particular. My spots were down, again, and i was so panicky. Thank God Matthew was there to help me. The first two scenes were sorta spoilt by me i guess. I mean, i thot when the handle dropped out on thurs, was bad enough. But who wld have realised the handle wld have spoilt on friday somemore!? I quickly reviewd what i did that was unpleasing to God that day itself, and thot maybe sa tan was using it to spoil the production... thru me. Anyways, it miraculously fixed itself. To think the whole walkie-world was just wondering what went wrong.
Ya, and i was pretty sad knowing that this was our last performance. Actually was habouring a secret thot that the whole crew, cast and technical and all could just follow Cody bringing the performance to thousands upon thousands to many ppl ard the world. Becos i love so much(ed) to bring glory to God, love so much to see such a crowd come to Christ and turn from their sins, and love so much that family feeling. So much so much. And ya, fun to do la.
(ACT THREE ENDS)
ACT FOUR : FOOD FUN TEARDOWN
CHARACTER : DESMOND, SPOTTER 2, REALLY-HAPPY-KID
Then they went for food. I went to, but went back down. Just sorta wanted to keep myself busy, maybe becos i was reluctant to let the production go.But just was tearing down abit, being busy. Took a peice of glow tape and pasted on my phone (ok sorry!!) And just taking down "heaven's" gold and white when Cody came down and the kids were following behind. That scene cannot be erased from my mind. That kind of scene like a dad playing with his kids.The whole family came down the stairs, after him and the kids. And it was just BEAUTIFUL. I could cry. So beautiful. ARGH!! God!! Anything to get it back. Yah, so i went toilet to wash hands, and just sat in the balcony with some adults as Cody was getting some crew and all cast on stage. Then they sent everyone who went to hell to heaven... I mean, was just so beautiful. Played a fool abit, like sent some back to hell, but everyoen went to heaven. Cheering ppl on to "go to heaven" and just going wild. I mean... Real Heaven must have been going as wild as us.
So beautiful.
We thanked all those involved and just went like WILD. MAD!!! It was SOOOOO BEAUTIFUL!! OH GOD!!! A FAMILY TO CALL OUR OWN!!!
Then we prayed as one big family on the stage giving thanks, rejoicing about the salvations which i think reached over 1000 in all regions. Really so family and heartwarming. Then tear down began and all, and just carrying out the stuff to the basement, folding rolling the gold and white... Joel and I stayed till bout 1.
You know what?
ACT THREE DOESN'T END..
I want our region to be so united and bonded. I mean, i think no other region experienced what we went thru last night. The joy and rejoicing and madness and wildness. That's something to call our own. A shared joy. A shared love. For God. For the nations. For each other.
I LOVE YOU GUYS, the TECH CREW, the CAST, the MAKE-UP, the USHERS, the ALTAR WORKERS, the T SHIRT PPL, the WHOLE REGION. I love you guys. Ok, Cody's counted too, altho you'll prob never read this. Think we've adopted you as part of the region. It was so beautiful. I loved the atmostphere. The madness.
God You're the best. Really. Diifucult times, but God You never left. You're still beside me. Holding my hand. I love You. Give me grace to love You more.
ACT THREE DOESN"T END!!!! YAY!!!!
Thursday, 15 July 2004
The Open Verse Entry.
One
Yet
disjointed
apart
distant
far
from
what
it is
meant to be
time to kneel and hook hands and cry
and to pray and hold tightly and be all
,yet
One
Single
Entity
with Different Styles and Forms but always
,One
Single
Entity
Seven
Chords and
more make One
Strong and sturdy Rope
Seven Chords and Three make
An unbreakable Bond...
to kneel and hook hands and cry
and to pray and hold tightly and be all
,yet
One
Single
Entity
with Different Styles and Forms but always
,One
Single
Entity
desmond ng.
One
Crafted and
carved
and conjointed
and combined
and compressed
into
one
block.
Yet
disjointed
apart
distant
far
from
what
it is
meant to be
time to kneel and hook hands and cry
and to pray and hold tightly and be all
,yet
One
Single
Entity
with Different Styles and Forms but always
,One
Single
Entity
Seven
Chords and
more make One
Strong and sturdy Rope
Seven Chords and Three make
An unbreakable Bond...
to kneel and hook hands and cry
and to pray and hold tightly and be all
,yet
One
Single
Entity
with Different Styles and Forms but always
,One
Single
Entity
desmond ng.
Thursday, 1 July 2004
The real entry.
How real exactly are reality TV shows. Pretty certain you've thot of that. Reality TV is NOT real. Reality TV is in no way what you see on TV. Reality TV is what you see on God's TV screen.
I'd like to think He's beside a whole stack of videotapes of your life, piling so high up you can't see the top. "Gabriel, the 97, 476th hour of Desmond's life please. ( That's approx my 11th year on the earth btw) I think it's the 77th tape from the right on the 35th shelf in the 'D' section. Thank you, and bring more popcorn!! Elijah says he wants a diet coke too..."
Then an angel glides up past the screen and to amongst the clouds and disappears. In seconds he reappears excitedly flying back to God, with popcorn and coke and other tidbits, and he sits by God and they continue watching the tapes. Laughing in love, tearing at times I failed God, cheering on as I was battling a stronghold and jumping at a victory I won.
Reality for most of us is NOT in a jungle with no proper sewage system and no water supply and having to slaughter a chiken or cow for food. It may be for someone living there by default, but its not for us.
Our reality TV shoot is in Singapore, with exams, with work, with lousy teachers, with good teachers, with bad bosses and caring ones. Our reality TV program takes place in our families when we scream at them or serve them iced-water, when we clear the house or mess our rooms.
Our reality is simply where God places us in. My reality is where God has ordained for me to be.
Here I am on the other side of the radio
Wonderin' why I'm here and why anybody cares what I say
No I'm not a better man because I'm singing the songs on the radio
'Cause we're all the same
At the end of the day
Now I imagine you on the other side of the radio
Doing your homework or driving with your windows down on the freeway
I see you tapping the wheel
I see you bobbing your head to the radio
Oh and it makes my day
To see that smile on your face
And in some small way, I remember my place
'Cause its you and me singing the same song right now
Maybe this'll bring us together some how
Maybe there's a million people all singing along
Somebody started thinking about the third line
And maybe someone's saying a prayer for the first time
And that's enough reason to keep me singing my song
Singing my songs on the other side of the radio
Crank up the volume and sing at the top of your lungs with the radio
Tune it in to some good news and laughing along with the DJ
We're changing somebody's world from the other side of the radio
Oh and it makes my day
To see that smile on your face
And in some small way, I'll remember my place
-- Chris Rice, The Other side of the Radio
Sorta like a reality thing. Put up this song cos i was just listening to it as i blogged. Esther Foong and I were wondering what this song meant some time ago. Elvin said it was a song bout this guy hearing his own song on the radio. And he is wondering how many other people are singing it along with him and the radio. Like they all have different realities but they are bounded by one song. Esther and I just gave him the huh, no meaning look. But now i think i get Mr Rice. Maybe he realised we all have different realities. But we're bounded by one thing -- God's great love and commission.
How real exactly are reality TV shows. Pretty certain you've thot of that. Reality TV is NOT real. Reality TV is in no way what you see on TV. Reality TV is what you see on God's TV screen.
I'd like to think He's beside a whole stack of videotapes of your life, piling so high up you can't see the top. "Gabriel, the 97, 476th hour of Desmond's life please. ( That's approx my 11th year on the earth btw) I think it's the 77th tape from the right on the 35th shelf in the 'D' section. Thank you, and bring more popcorn!! Elijah says he wants a diet coke too..."
Then an angel glides up past the screen and to amongst the clouds and disappears. In seconds he reappears excitedly flying back to God, with popcorn and coke and other tidbits, and he sits by God and they continue watching the tapes. Laughing in love, tearing at times I failed God, cheering on as I was battling a stronghold and jumping at a victory I won.
Reality for most of us is NOT in a jungle with no proper sewage system and no water supply and having to slaughter a chiken or cow for food. It may be for someone living there by default, but its not for us.
Our reality TV shoot is in Singapore, with exams, with work, with lousy teachers, with good teachers, with bad bosses and caring ones. Our reality TV program takes place in our families when we scream at them or serve them iced-water, when we clear the house or mess our rooms.
Our reality is simply where God places us in. My reality is where God has ordained for me to be.
Here I am on the other side of the radio
Wonderin' why I'm here and why anybody cares what I say
No I'm not a better man because I'm singing the songs on the radio
'Cause we're all the same
At the end of the day
Now I imagine you on the other side of the radio
Doing your homework or driving with your windows down on the freeway
I see you tapping the wheel
I see you bobbing your head to the radio
Oh and it makes my day
To see that smile on your face
And in some small way, I remember my place
'Cause its you and me singing the same song right now
Maybe this'll bring us together some how
Maybe there's a million people all singing along
Somebody started thinking about the third line
And maybe someone's saying a prayer for the first time
And that's enough reason to keep me singing my song
Singing my songs on the other side of the radio
Crank up the volume and sing at the top of your lungs with the radio
Tune it in to some good news and laughing along with the DJ
We're changing somebody's world from the other side of the radio
Oh and it makes my day
To see that smile on your face
And in some small way, I'll remember my place
-- Chris Rice, The Other side of the Radio
Sorta like a reality thing. Put up this song cos i was just listening to it as i blogged. Esther Foong and I were wondering what this song meant some time ago. Elvin said it was a song bout this guy hearing his own song on the radio. And he is wondering how many other people are singing it along with him and the radio. Like they all have different realities but they are bounded by one song. Esther and I just gave him the huh, no meaning look. But now i think i get Mr Rice. Maybe he realised we all have different realities. But we're bounded by one thing -- God's great love and commission.
Thursday, 10 June 2004
Wednesday, 9 June 2004
The puke entry.
bleargh..
Jesus..
woargh..
Jesus!
woarghhhhh!!!!!!
JESUS!!!
I was on the train to Yishun today, alone and thinking.Don't know how i even thought about this, even as i blog now.
ok. I tried. Really can't rmb how i thought of it.
Anyways, was just thinking how when i was young, my sister and i would go thru our sick-y period. Whenever we were sick, we usually were just left alone. I, for myself, remember, most vividly, the times where i would squat in front of the toilet bowl and just puke.
I remember in the beginning, the first few vomits i ever had, i would scream for my mom.. but she wouldn't come. She would just say, "Don't call me, i can't do anything. Call God.."
Yea, i still find that a bit cruel, leaving your child alone when he is already alone. When he's already hurting and crying and gasping for air in between vomits. When he's just needing for someone to assure him that he's loved, he's gonna be fine. You would think the least a mom could do was just be there and pat his back, and just ask if he's ok, even if she knows he's not.
But no. No sister there, no brother, no father, no mother. No one. Just you and toilet bowl. I never understood why my parents did that. I mean i knew for sure they weren't heartless but why leave me alone? As if i wasn't suffering enough. An affirming hand, pat or word would have helped alot.
Now looking back. I do. I see they cared. They cared enough to know i would be placed in many more situations in future that would leave me in a worst state then mucus and puke everywhere. And becos they saw that, they taught me to call on the Name above all other names, of cos in a way that seemed unfeeling.
Whenever i puked, it was sorta progressively more intense. I would call Jesus, and i would puke worse, and i would call His name louder. And it would get worst, and i would call again louder still with all hope that this Unseen Man would reach out and be the Hands my parents couldn't be, to be the Voice my sister couldn't be, to be that which I longed deeply for but no one gave. Call that child-like faith. Cos i knew, with every time i puked worst, i should have lost faith and hope in the Unseen Man, and just cry out for my parents. But He was so real to me that somehow, i dunno why, i would cry out louder and louder and louder and louder and louder for Him. JESUS! GOD! HELP ME...-woargh-
I've not vomitted in awhile. The last time was at the Edge Christmas party, after downing that horrible drink. This time God was more gracious to me-- i had a Da ge who asked how i was when i was in the toilet.
I don't know. Have i lost that kind of faith to believe He'll lead me thru my worst times, and the worst puking sessions i will have?
Honestly? I think i have lost it.
I want to have the faith to believe He has always been all that which i desire from people but never got, and will always be all that i desire. That when i'm crying out and no one hears, and when i'm tearing and no one comes, that when all love fails me, somehow, somehow, SOMEHOW, I will rest still in His arms, knowing He is all that I want. Be gracious to me Lord..
bleargh..
Jesus..
woargh..
Jesus!
woarghhhhh!!!!!!
JESUS!!!
I was on the train to Yishun today, alone and thinking.Don't know how i even thought about this, even as i blog now.
ok. I tried. Really can't rmb how i thought of it.
Anyways, was just thinking how when i was young, my sister and i would go thru our sick-y period. Whenever we were sick, we usually were just left alone. I, for myself, remember, most vividly, the times where i would squat in front of the toilet bowl and just puke.
I remember in the beginning, the first few vomits i ever had, i would scream for my mom.. but she wouldn't come. She would just say, "Don't call me, i can't do anything. Call God.."
Yea, i still find that a bit cruel, leaving your child alone when he is already alone. When he's already hurting and crying and gasping for air in between vomits. When he's just needing for someone to assure him that he's loved, he's gonna be fine. You would think the least a mom could do was just be there and pat his back, and just ask if he's ok, even if she knows he's not.
But no. No sister there, no brother, no father, no mother. No one. Just you and toilet bowl. I never understood why my parents did that. I mean i knew for sure they weren't heartless but why leave me alone? As if i wasn't suffering enough. An affirming hand, pat or word would have helped alot.
Now looking back. I do. I see they cared. They cared enough to know i would be placed in many more situations in future that would leave me in a worst state then mucus and puke everywhere. And becos they saw that, they taught me to call on the Name above all other names, of cos in a way that seemed unfeeling.
Whenever i puked, it was sorta progressively more intense. I would call Jesus, and i would puke worse, and i would call His name louder. And it would get worst, and i would call again louder still with all hope that this Unseen Man would reach out and be the Hands my parents couldn't be, to be the Voice my sister couldn't be, to be that which I longed deeply for but no one gave. Call that child-like faith. Cos i knew, with every time i puked worst, i should have lost faith and hope in the Unseen Man, and just cry out for my parents. But He was so real to me that somehow, i dunno why, i would cry out louder and louder and louder and louder and louder for Him. JESUS! GOD! HELP ME...-woargh-
I've not vomitted in awhile. The last time was at the Edge Christmas party, after downing that horrible drink. This time God was more gracious to me-- i had a Da ge who asked how i was when i was in the toilet.
I don't know. Have i lost that kind of faith to believe He'll lead me thru my worst times, and the worst puking sessions i will have?
Honestly? I think i have lost it.
I want to have the faith to believe He has always been all that which i desire from people but never got, and will always be all that i desire. That when i'm crying out and no one hears, and when i'm tearing and no one comes, that when all love fails me, somehow, somehow, SOMEHOW, I will rest still in His arms, knowing He is all that I want. Be gracious to me Lord..
Wednesday, 2 June 2004
The Overtime entry.
WOA. My third entry in like such a short span!! I'm bloggee bloggee-ing blogger!
Ok, rmbing that i'm a retrospective person, if i'm using the right word, and i like to look back. Sometimes that's not good. Makes you live in your past. But sometimes that is good! Especially when you choose to see God in the picture.
You see, I realised one thing that night. God works overtime for me. Yes. Overtime. I mean if you actually look at it this way, His job was to save us. That's all. We're supposed to be for His pleasure. But i realised He's been working overtime in my life.
When I forget to study for tests, and i fail, but still score better than ppl who do.. He's working overtime.
When I have too much work, and i haven't completed them, and my teacher unkowingly only collects those i did, He's working overtime..
When I'm down and grouchy, He works overtime by sending me ppl i never expect to cheer me up. And the strangest thing is that they don't know it. He sent kids that day, playing among themselves!
When I'm feeling cold and alone, He works overtime by sending love msges to me. So mushy.. hahahhahah.. but, yea, love msgs from His self-written book. I mean, cool,I know a famous Author!
When someone gives me a treat to teh-beng or milo-beng, God's working overtime.
When someone offers to share food with me cos i'm broke and hungry, God's working overtime.
When someone gives me a pat on the shoulder, God's working overtime.
When I have someone to eat dinner with me, or go for sunday afternoon teh break with me, He's working overtime.
When He gives me just enough money for the month,to pay what i need to with allowance for indulgences like Sakae and movies, I know for sure He's working overtime.
When I make it to sch on time for sch, He's working overtime..
And you realise one thing? In these 'happenings', if it involves ppl, more than half the time they don't even realise how grateful I am, yes yes... cos I'm heartless, unfeeling, and always ALWAYS wearing a black long face right? But it just amazes me that they dunno how much exactly they've made me feel so high.. and that's becos God is working overtime.
When someone thanks me and says. " You msged me when i was feeling horrible, and it really cheered me up..", I know God worked overtime..
When i give someone a teh-beng treat, even tho im broke, I know God worked overtime..
When a short prayer for someone is answered, I know God worked overtime..
And i have so much more things i've been through where i know God has been working overtime, but the thing is, have i been grateful and thankful?
I pray i will be.
That when everything goes well, I will be thankful and i will know God is working overtime. That when everything goes awry, I will be thankful and i will know God is working overtime to get soemthing done. That when nothing happens at all, i will be thankful and know that God is working overtime to make something happen.
That God is working overtime, all the time. Becuase He loves you so much. More than you can imagine.
WOA. My third entry in like such a short span!! I'm bloggee bloggee-ing blogger!
Ok, rmbing that i'm a retrospective person, if i'm using the right word, and i like to look back. Sometimes that's not good. Makes you live in your past. But sometimes that is good! Especially when you choose to see God in the picture.
You see, I realised one thing that night. God works overtime for me. Yes. Overtime. I mean if you actually look at it this way, His job was to save us. That's all. We're supposed to be for His pleasure. But i realised He's been working overtime in my life.
When I forget to study for tests, and i fail, but still score better than ppl who do.. He's working overtime.
When I have too much work, and i haven't completed them, and my teacher unkowingly only collects those i did, He's working overtime..
When I'm down and grouchy, He works overtime by sending me ppl i never expect to cheer me up. And the strangest thing is that they don't know it. He sent kids that day, playing among themselves!
When I'm feeling cold and alone, He works overtime by sending love msges to me. So mushy.. hahahhahah.. but, yea, love msgs from His self-written book. I mean, cool,I know a famous Author!
When someone gives me a treat to teh-beng or milo-beng, God's working overtime.
When someone offers to share food with me cos i'm broke and hungry, God's working overtime.
When someone gives me a pat on the shoulder, God's working overtime.
When I have someone to eat dinner with me, or go for sunday afternoon teh break with me, He's working overtime.
When He gives me just enough money for the month,to pay what i need to with allowance for indulgences like Sakae and movies, I know for sure He's working overtime.
When I make it to sch on time for sch, He's working overtime..
And you realise one thing? In these 'happenings', if it involves ppl, more than half the time they don't even realise how grateful I am, yes yes... cos I'm heartless, unfeeling, and always ALWAYS wearing a black long face right? But it just amazes me that they dunno how much exactly they've made me feel so high.. and that's becos God is working overtime.
When someone thanks me and says. " You msged me when i was feeling horrible, and it really cheered me up..", I know God worked overtime..
When i give someone a teh-beng treat, even tho im broke, I know God worked overtime..
When a short prayer for someone is answered, I know God worked overtime..
And i have so much more things i've been through where i know God has been working overtime, but the thing is, have i been grateful and thankful?
I pray i will be.
That when everything goes well, I will be thankful and i will know God is working overtime. That when everything goes awry, I will be thankful and i will know God is working overtime to get soemthing done. That when nothing happens at all, i will be thankful and know that God is working overtime to make something happen.
That God is working overtime, all the time. Becuase He loves you so much. More than you can imagine.
Tuesday, 1 June 2004
The Free-entry Entry.
Yea, the time is now 3.13am. I have sch tmr. Even tho its the holidays, till 5. From 8.3o to 5. Sighz.. sch stinks. Big time.
Anyways, was doing my project work minutes, and well, let's just say i ain't no good secretary, that's why i'm having quite abit of trouble. Due tmr somemore. Trying to bargain for thur. Yah, so i decided to stop. And decided that I have a blog. And decided that i haven't blogged freely in awhile. Freely as in, just blogging whatever silly things, like.. haha, there's a vanilla coke bottle on my table now, with lemonade in it. Or that I'm wearing the 'Potter's Hand' camp shirt, and its really tight and small.
Ya, I've been thinking lots recently. Maybe because I've got so much to do, whenever you just stop for awhile, alot of things come to you. Ya.. Looked back on this past bout what, 13 months? And realised God has been gracious and I have been straying.
You know, encounter is coming. I went for the march one last year. Even tho i had horrible sleep and was so resistant to it at first, God used it to turn my life upside down. Crazy. Nuts. To something that when i look at it, i dare not believe. Literally like being given a new life, a new identity and living it.
Of cos I've fell, and at times i went back to that old life. Possibly even now. And sometimes, I feel so sad and crappy. Because the same things that i begged God to take away from me, I have taken it back. Knowingly, unknowingly. Doesn't matter. Cos the thing is I did.
One thing i'm really scared of, is that my past and old life will chase after me. The scary things, the hurting things that have hurt me so. I'm afraid they will catch up with me. And I'm afraid they will steal my present. The people and relationships i have come to develop on the past 13 months. The freedom i have. The joy that i have.
But truth be told, it seems to be coming back me. And I'm so afraid. So afraid. Cos its starting to rob me of some things. My sanity maybe? Heh, joke. And its not that my old life was entirely bad. Some parts of it was and is good. But just that right now, they don't fit in.
Listening to an awesome song.
The mistakes I’ve made
That caused pain
I could’ve done without
All my selfish thoughts
All my pride
The things I hide
You have forgot about
They’re all behind you
They’ll never find you
They’re on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They’re on the bottom
Of the ocean floor
My misdeeds
All my greed
All the things that haunt me now
They’re not a pretty sight to see
But they’re wiped away
By a mighty, mighty wave
A mighty, mighty wave
Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor
Take them away
To return no more
Take them away
To the ocean floor
To the ocean floor
To the ocean floor
-- Audio A. Ocean Floor.
I was talking to God just now. Just like, reviewing my past 13 months, and the years before that. From 99'. And i was saying, like, if my old life walked back in. I would prefer my new life. Sure, my old life had things that i loved and was good. And God would have been happy for me too. But this new life, has so much more things that i love so much more. The freedom.. etc. And God would definitely be more happy for me in my new life. Becos He handpicked these stuff and gave them to me. I'm holding on to them man. They're so much better.
Okay. Alot more to say. Wait till i stay up late again then i will get into the mood of saying. Nite.. at 3.44. hahah..
Yea, the time is now 3.13am. I have sch tmr. Even tho its the holidays, till 5. From 8.3o to 5. Sighz.. sch stinks. Big time.
Anyways, was doing my project work minutes, and well, let's just say i ain't no good secretary, that's why i'm having quite abit of trouble. Due tmr somemore. Trying to bargain for thur. Yah, so i decided to stop. And decided that I have a blog. And decided that i haven't blogged freely in awhile. Freely as in, just blogging whatever silly things, like.. haha, there's a vanilla coke bottle on my table now, with lemonade in it. Or that I'm wearing the 'Potter's Hand' camp shirt, and its really tight and small.
Ya, I've been thinking lots recently. Maybe because I've got so much to do, whenever you just stop for awhile, alot of things come to you. Ya.. Looked back on this past bout what, 13 months? And realised God has been gracious and I have been straying.
You know, encounter is coming. I went for the march one last year. Even tho i had horrible sleep and was so resistant to it at first, God used it to turn my life upside down. Crazy. Nuts. To something that when i look at it, i dare not believe. Literally like being given a new life, a new identity and living it.
Of cos I've fell, and at times i went back to that old life. Possibly even now. And sometimes, I feel so sad and crappy. Because the same things that i begged God to take away from me, I have taken it back. Knowingly, unknowingly. Doesn't matter. Cos the thing is I did.
One thing i'm really scared of, is that my past and old life will chase after me. The scary things, the hurting things that have hurt me so. I'm afraid they will catch up with me. And I'm afraid they will steal my present. The people and relationships i have come to develop on the past 13 months. The freedom i have. The joy that i have.
But truth be told, it seems to be coming back me. And I'm so afraid. So afraid. Cos its starting to rob me of some things. My sanity maybe? Heh, joke. And its not that my old life was entirely bad. Some parts of it was and is good. But just that right now, they don't fit in.
Listening to an awesome song.
The mistakes I’ve made
That caused pain
I could’ve done without
All my selfish thoughts
All my pride
The things I hide
You have forgot about
They’re all behind you
They’ll never find you
They’re on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They’re on the bottom
Of the ocean floor
My misdeeds
All my greed
All the things that haunt me now
They’re not a pretty sight to see
But they’re wiped away
By a mighty, mighty wave
A mighty, mighty wave
Your sins are erased
And they are no more
They’re out on the ocean floor
Take them away
To return no more
Take them away
To the ocean floor
To the ocean floor
To the ocean floor
-- Audio A. Ocean Floor.
I was talking to God just now. Just like, reviewing my past 13 months, and the years before that. From 99'. And i was saying, like, if my old life walked back in. I would prefer my new life. Sure, my old life had things that i loved and was good. And God would have been happy for me too. But this new life, has so much more things that i love so much more. The freedom.. etc. And God would definitely be more happy for me in my new life. Becos He handpicked these stuff and gave them to me. I'm holding on to them man. They're so much better.
Okay. Alot more to say. Wait till i stay up late again then i will get into the mood of saying. Nite.. at 3.44. hahah..
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